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Toasts 

BY 

William Pittenger 

Author of “The Debater’s Treasury’* 


HOW TO RESPOND TO TOASTS OR 
MAKE OTHER PUBLIC ADDRESSES 
AND ALWAYS SAY THE RIGHT 
THING IN THE R 1% HT WAY 


Philadelphia 

The Penn Publishing Company 

1923 


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Copyright 1895 by The Penn Publish ng Compawy 




Copyright 1923 by Mrs. William Pittenger 


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CONTENTS 


?AGS 

iNTROOtTCTTON,. 7 

AFTER»I5rNNER SPEECHES—ANCIENT AND MODERN, ... 13 

Value of a Good Story and How to Introduce It, . 21 

Purpose of After-Dinner Speakin®,.28 

Some ABC Directions for Making Speeches, Toasts, 

and Responses, .. 32 

Holiday Speeches, 37 

Fourth of July,. 37 

Memorial Day,.•.42 

Washington’s Birthday,. 49 

Christmas,. 51 

Thanksgiving-, .. 53 

Presentation Addresses,.67 

Addresses of Welcome,.63 

Wedding and other Anniversaries,.67 

Toasts,. 71 

Sentiments Suggested by a Toast,.72 

Miscellaneous Toasts,. 74 

Humorous Toasts,.85 

Miscellaneous Addresses,.87 

Centennial or Semi-Centennial,.87 

Dedication of a Monument or Unveiling a Statue, . 88 

Birthday Celebration,.89 

Reception,.90 

Responses to Toasts at a Dinner, . ..Of 

Hi 
























CONTENTS 


Miscellaneous Addresses —Continued. pag* 

Responses to Toasts to The Navy,.92 

** u u u Q enera ] Jackson,. 93 

44 u « « The Workingman,.94 

Nominating a Candidate, ..94 

Accepting a Nomination,.9fl 

Speech in a Political Canvass,. 97 

“ after a Political Victory,.99 

M “ “ “ Defeat,.99 

A Chairman’s or President’s Speech,.100 

For Any Occasion,. 103 

Illustrative and Humorous Anecdotes, .103 

Index of Toasts,.169 

** " Ankcdotms,. 17 $ 















INTRODUCTION 


The author of this manual has at various intervals 
prepared several treatises relating to the art of speech. 
Their wide circulation is an indication of the de¬ 
mand for works upon this subject. They were 
intended to embrace the principles which govern 
speech-making in the forum, in the pulpit, or at the 
bar. While these do not differ essentially from 
the principles applicable to occasions where the 
object is only entertainment, yet there are certain 
well-defined differences which it is the purpose of 
this little volume to point out. We hope thus to 
render the same service to a person who is called 
on to offer or respond to a toast in a convivial 
assembly, as the author’s previous volumes rendered 
to those preparing to speak upon subjects of a 
serious and practical nature. 

That help is needed, and may be afforded, no one 
will deny. A novice called upon to participate in 
the exercises of a public banquet, an anniversary, or 

1 



UntroDuctton 


other entertainment, unless he has an experienced 
friend to give him a few hints or advice, is apt to be 
dismayed. He does not even know how to make a 
start in the work of preparation, and his sense of 
inability and fear of blundering go far to confuse 
and paralyze whatever native faculty he may have. 

book like this comes to him at such a time as rein¬ 
forcements to a sorely pressed army in the very crisis 
of a battle. As he reads, some ideas which seem prac¬ 
tical, flash upon him. He learns what others before 
him have done. If he is to offer a toast, he examines 
the list furnished in this volume, finding one perhaps 
that pleases him, or one is suggested which is beb 
ter adapted to his purpose than any in the bool^ 
and he wonders at the stupidity of the author in 
omitting it. Soon he becomes quite interested in 
this suggested toast, and compares it with those in 
the list to find out wherein it differs. Thus gradu¬ 
ally and unconsciously he has prepared himself for 
the part he is to perform. 

Or if invited to respond to a toast, he passes 
through a similar experience. He may find the out¬ 
line of a speech on that very topic; he either uses it 
as it is printed or makes an effort to improve it by 
abridgment or enlargement. Next he looks through 
the treasury of anecdotes, selects one, or calls to 
mind one he has read elsewhere which he considers 


TfntroJmctfon 


9 


better. He then studies both of them in their hear¬ 
ings on the subject upon which he is to speak, and 
longs for the hour to arrive, when he will surprise 
and delight his friends by his performance. He 
rises to speak conscious that he knows a great deal 
not only about the toast assigned to him, but about 
other toasts as well—feels that he has something to 
say which, at least, will fill in the time, and save him 
from confusion and discredit. He even hopes to win 
applause by means of the stories and happy turns 
with which his speech is interspersed. 

He has thus satisfactorily taken the first step 
toward becoming a ready and entertaining after- 
dinner speaker. The sense of knowing how to do 
what is expected of him has a wonderfully quieting 
effect upon his nerves; and thus the study of this 
book will greatly add to the confidence of a speaker, 
and the effectiveness of his delivery. Whatever 
graces of manner he possesses will become avail¬ 
able, instead of being subverted by an overmastering 
fear. 

It is not easy to mention all the uses of such a 
manual. One who has been accustomed to speak¬ 
ing, but fears he is getting into a rut, can turn to 
this text-book and find something which is not so 
distressingly his own, that his friends expect him to 
parade it before them on all occasions. 


10 


Introduction 


He may glance over the outline of a speech alto** 
gether new and strange to him, and endeavor to adapt 
it to his own use; or he may weave together frag¬ 
ments of several speeches, or take the framework of 
one and construct upon it a speech which will enable 
him to make a new departure. A writer sometimes, 
afte! years of practice, finds it difficult to begin the 
composition of some simple reception or commemora¬ 
tive address; but the reading of a meagre outline, 
not one word or idea of which may be directly used, 
serves to break the spell of intellectual sloth or 
inertia, and starts him upon his work briskly and 
hopefully. 

The field covered by the present volume is not 
entirely unoccupied. One of the earliest publica¬ 
tions in this line is an anonymous English work, 
very dignified and conservative. The speeches it 
furnishes are painstaking, but a trifle heavy, and 
savor so much of English modes of expression, as 
well as thought and customs, as to be poorly adapted 
to this country. Two works have appeared in this 
country, also, one being intended apparently for 
wine parties only; the other, while containing a 
number of gem-like little speeches, fails to give the 
aid which is sought by the ordinary tyro, and is cal¬ 
culated rather to discourage him; giving him the im¬ 
pression that it is more difficult to become an accept- 


Untrobuctfon 


11 


able after-dinner speaker than he had ever supposed. 
While a few of the best things in the latter volume 
are availed of, a different method is pursued in 
the present work. Outlines of speeches are pre¬ 
ferred to those which are fully elaborated; and the 
few plain rules, by which a thing so informal and 
easy as an after-dinner speech may be produced, 
are so illustrated as to make their application al¬ 
most a matter of course. Good-humor and brevity, 
an outline and a story—what more is needed, un¬ 
less it be that serene self-confidence which enables a 
speaker to say even foolish and absurd things, with the 
assurance that all goes down at a public dinner? 
What if you are not the most brilliant, humorous, 
and stirring speaker of the evening? Aim to fill 
your place without discredit; observe closely those 
who make a great success ; the next time you 
may have a better outline or more telling story, and 
become, before you know it, the leader of the 
evening. 

It is not intended to give rules or directions for 
the order either of drinking or feasting. That field 
is fully occupied. But the custom of making 
addresses at the close of a feast has been so thor¬ 
oughly established, and so frequent are these occa¬ 
sions, that a gentleman is not fully equipped for a 
place in society, if he cannot gracefully offer or 


12 


UntroDuctlon 


respond to a toast, or preside at a gathering where 
toasts or other forms of after-dinner speaking are ex¬ 
pected. It is the aim of this manual to help the 
beginner in this field. 


AFTER-DINNER 


SPEECHES—ANCIENT AND 
MODERN 


An idea of the real meaning of after-dinner speaks 
ing may be obtained from the feudal feasts of earlier 
times. The old lord or baron of the Middle Ages 
partook of his principal meal in the great hall of his 
castle, surrounded by guests, each being assigned 
his place in formal order and with no small degree of 
ceremony. This hall was the main feature of the 
castle. There all the family and guests met on fre¬ 
quent festal occasions, and after the feasting and the 
hour of ceremony and more refined entertainment 
was over, retired to rest in comparatively small and 
humble apartments adjoining, though sometimea 
they would simply wrap their cloaks about them, 
and lie down to sleep on the rushes that littered the 
floor of the great hall. 

After the “ rage of hunger was appeased —which 

n 



14 Coasts anb iforms ot public Bbbrees 


then, as in our day, and back even as far as the tim*? 
of the ancient Greeks, was the first business in 
order—came the social hour, which meant much tc 
the dwellers in those dull, comfortless old barracks—- 
for the great castles of that day were little better 
than barracks. The chief gave the signal for talk, 
music, or story, previous to which, any inquiries or 
conversation, other than the briefest question and 
answer about the food or other necessary things, 
would have been considered inappropriate and dis¬ 
respectful. There probably was present some guest, 
who came under circumstances that awakened the 
strongest curiosity or who had a claim upon his en¬ 
tertainer. Such a guest was placed at the board in a 
position corresponding to his rank. 

After resting and partaking of the repast, it was 
pertinent to hear what account he could give of him¬ 
self, and courtesy permitted the host to levy an intel¬ 
lectual tax upon him, as a contribution to the joy of 
the hour. Seated at the head of the table the chief, 
or, in his absence, a representative, made the opening 
speech—the address of welcome, to use the term 
familiar to ourselves. This might be very brief or at 
considerable length; it might suggest inquiries of 
any of the company or merely pledge an attentive 
and courteous hearing to whatever the guest might 
utter; it might refer to the past glory of the castle 


Bfter^Binner Speeches 15 

and its lord, or vaunt its present greatness and active 
occupation. 

But whatever form it might take it was sure to 
consist—as addresses of welcome in all ages have 
done—of two words, by dexterously using which, any 
man can make a good speech of this character. 
These two words are “We” and “You;” and all 
else not connected with these is irrelevant and use¬ 
less. They do not constitute two parts of the same 
speech but ordinarily play back and forth, like a 
game of battledore. Who “ we ” are; what “ we ” 
have done; how “ we ” saw “ you;” what “ we ” have 
heard of “ youhow great and good “ you ” are 
thought to be; the joy at “ your ” coming; what 
“ we ” now want to learn of “ you;” what “ we ” wish 
u you ” to do; how “ we ” desire a longer stay or re¬ 
gret the need of an early departure—all is a varia¬ 
tion of the one theme—“ we ” and “ you.” 

The old Baron probably said all of this and much 
more in a lordly way, occupying a longer or shorter 
time, without ever dreaming that he was making a 
speech. It was his ordinary after-dinner talk to 
those whom chance or fortune brought within his 
walls. Or, if he prided himself upon being a man 
of few words, scorning these as fit only for women 
and minstrels, he would simply remind the guest 
that he was now at liberty to give such an account 


16 Coasts anD ffotma of iPubUc B&Dress 


of himself, and to prefer such requests ag seemeo 
agreeable to him. 

The guest was then expected to respond, though 
this by no means was the rule. The host might wish 
first to call out more of his own intellectual treasures. 
This he would do by having other occupants of the 
castle speak further words of welcome, or would call 
upon a minstrel to sing a song or relate some deed 
of chivalry. 

When the guest at last rises to speak, it is still the 
two pronouns with slightly changed emphasis that 
play a conspicuous part. The “ we ” may become 
‘ Ibut this is no essential change. Where “ I ” 
or “ we ” have been ; what “ I” have done, suffered, 
or enjoyed ; how and why “ I ” came here; how glad 
* I ” am to be here; what “ I ” have known and 
heard of “you;” how “we” may help each other, 
what great enterprises “ we ” can enter upon; how 
thankful for the good cheer and good words “ we n 
hear. 

In the baronial hall, which foreshadowed the family 
fireside of later days, the drinking was free and co¬ 
pious whilst the other portions of the entertainment 
were of a general character and quite protracted. 
Mirth, song, the rude jest, anecdotes of the chase or 
of a battle, or a rehearsal of the experiences of every¬ 
day life, were all in place. Sometimes, the guests, 


flttersSMnner speeches 


1 ? 


overpowered by their libations, are said to have 
fallen under the table and to have slumbered there 
till surprised by the pale morning light. There was 
little need of ceremony in such feasts, and there is 
little need of formality or constraint in the far dif¬ 
ferent festal occasions of the present time. 

When no guest, either by chance or invitation 
came to the castle, less variety could be given to the 
after-dinner entertainment, and many expedients 
were required to pass the long hours that sometimes 
hung heavily on their hands. Then the use of 
“ Toasts ” became an important feature. The drink¬ 
ing also was expected to arouse interest, but if it 
went on in silence and gloom or amid the buzz of 
trivial conversation in different parts of the hall the 
unity of the hour was marred and the evening was 
voted dull—the lord himself then having no more 
honor than his meanest vassal. But the toast—no 
matter how it originated—remedied all this. A 
compliment and a proverb, a speech and a response, 
however rude, fixed the attention of every one at the 
table, and enabled the lord to retain the same leader¬ 
ship at the feast that he had won in the chase or in 
battle. He might himself propose a toast of his own 
choice or give another permission to propose it. He 
might then designate some humorous or entertaining 
clansman to respond; he might either stimulate or 
2 


18 Coasts anO 3forms ot public BOOress 

repress the zeal of the guests, and give unity to each 
part of the entertainment and to the whole feast 
For these reasons the toast rose into popularity, and 
is now often used—possibly it might be said gen¬ 
erally used if our own country alone be considered- 
even when nc drinking at all is indulged in. 

Let us now take a look at an after-dinner hour of 
the present day; one of the very latest and most ap¬ 
proved pattern. The contrast will not be without 
interest and value. The fare at the dinner is always 
inviting. The company is large. Good speakers are 
secured in advance. Each is given an appropriate 
toast, either to propose or respond to. Suppose it is 
a New England society celebrating Forefathers’ 
Day in New York. The chairman (who is usually 
the president of the society) rises, and by touch¬ 
ing a bell, rapping on the table, or in some other 
suitable manner, attracts all eyes to himself. He 
.then asks the meeting to come to order, or if he pre¬ 
fers the form, to give attention. Then he utters a 
few graceful commonplaces, and calls upon a guest to 
offer the leading toast—not always the chief or most 
interesting one. When one is reached in which there 
is a lively interest, some distinguished person such 
as Chauncey M. Depew, the prince of after-dinner 
speakers, comes to the front. We give an outline of 
one of his addresses on Forefathers’ Day, delivered 


Btter*2Mnner Speeches 


19 


December 22d, 1882, in response to the toast, ‘* The 
Half Moon and the Mayflower.” 

In reading this address the “We” and “You” 
cannot fail to be noted. Mr. Depew said he did not 
know why he should be called upon to celebrate his 
conquerors. The Yankees had overcome the Dutch, 
and the two races are mingled. The speaker then 
introduced three fine stories—one at the expense of 
the Dutch who are slow in reaching their ends. A 
tenor singer at the church of a celebrated preacher 
said to Mr. Depew, “ You must come again, the fact 
is the Doctor and myself were not at our best last 
Sunday morning.” The second related to the in¬ 
quisitiveness of a person who expressed himself thus 
to the guide upon the estate of the Duke of West¬ 
minster : “ What, you can’t tell how much the house 
cost or what the farm yields an acre, or what the old 
man’s income is, or how much he is worth ? Don't 
you Britishers know anything?” The third story, 
near the close, set off Yankee complacency. A New 
England girl mistook the first mile-stone from Boston 
for a tombstone, and reading its inscription “ 1 M. 
from Boston,” said “ I’m from Boston; how simple; 
how sufficient.” 

The serious part of the discourse was a rapid state¬ 
ment of the principles represented by the Dutch 
pioneer ship “ Half Moon ” and the Pilgrim “ May- 


20 troasts anO 3forms of public BDOresa 


flowerthe elements ®f each contributed to national 
character and progress. (For speech in lull see 
Depew'6 Speeches , Vol. I.) 

Other toasts and responses followed; eloquence and 
humor mingled until the small hours of the night. 
Probably not one of that pleased and brilliant as¬ 
semblage for a moment thought that they were doing 
at this anniversary what their old, barbaric ancestors 
did nightly, while resting after a border foray or 
Viking sea raid. 


THE VALUE OF A GOOD STORY AND HOW 

TO INTRODUCE IT. 


No matter how inexperienced a speaker may be or 
how stammering his utterance, if he can tell a good 
story, the average dinner party will pronounce him 
a success, and he will be able to resume his seat with 
a feeling of satisfaction. The efforts often made 
to bring in an entertaining story or a lively anecdote 
are sometimes quite amusing, but if they come in 
naturally the effect will unquestionably be happy. 
Almost any story, by using a little skill, can be 
adapted to nearly every occasion that may arise. 
We may mention a few among which a speaker can 
scarcely fail to find something to serve his purpose. 

It is necessary always to be thoroughly familiar 
with the story and to understand its exact point. No 
matter how deliberately or with what difficulty you 
approach that part of your speech where the fun is 
to be introduced—yet, when that point is reached 
there must be no hesitation. It is well to memorize 
carefully the very words which express the pun, or 
the flash of wit or humor which is the climax of the 

21 



22 


TToasts anb Jforms of iPublfc SbDress 


story. The story itself may be found in such a 
manual as this, or in some volume of wit and 
humor. 

There is no disadvantage in using wit gathered from 
any source, if it has not been so often used as to bfc 
completely worn out. When a good story is found 
anywhere and fully memorized and all its bear¬ 
ings and fine points thoroughly understood, there are 
two ways of getting it before an audience. The 
direct way is to say frankly that you have read a 
story and will tell it. This will answer very nicely 
when called upon for a speech. Few festive audi¬ 
ences are unwilling to accept a story for a speech, 
and a proposal to compromise on such terms is very 
likely in itself to bring applause. But the story in 
this case should be longer than if it is given as part 
of a speech. If, however, it should prove a failure, 
your performance will make a worse impression than 
when a poor story is introduced into a speech, 
although the story may only feebly illustrate any por¬ 
tion of it. 

For these as well as other reasons most persons 
will prefer to make an address, even if it be very brief, 
and will endeavor to make the story fit into it. All 
stories that suggest diffidence, modesty, backward¬ 
ness, or unwillingness to undertake great things, can 
be introduced to show how reluctant the speaker is 


XTbe IDalue of a <3oo£> 5ton> 


23 


to attempt a speech, and if these characteristics aTe 
only slightly referred to in the story it may still be 
used effectively and will leave a favorable impression. 

If a topic, a toast, or a sentiment is given for a re¬ 
sponse, any of them may suggest a story; and after 
a good story has been told—one that has real point 
-—it will be better to stop without making any at¬ 
tempt at application or explanation. 

A great help is often found in the utterances of 
previous speakers. If these have done well, they 
may be complimented, and the compliment so con¬ 
trived as to lead directly up to the story that is 
lying in wait; or something being said with which 
you heartily agree—however slight a portion of tho 
address it may be—this harmony of views can be 
used in the same manner. On the other hand, if you 
disagree with any of the speakers, the mere refer¬ 
ence to it will excite a lively interest. If this dif% 
ference is used, not as the basis of a serious argument, 
but only to drag in a story illustrating the disagree¬ 
ment, the story will nevertheless appear to be very 
appropriate. 

If you happen to be the first speaker, you are by 
no means without resources. You can then imagine 
what other speakers are going to say, and if you can 
slip in a humorous or good-natured hit at the expense 
of some of the prominent speakers, it will bo highly 


24 


Coasts aito arerms of public B^ress 


relished. If you describe what they are likely to say 
it will be enjoyed, while if you should happen to 
mention the very opposite this will be set down as 
your intention. You may even describe the different 
speakers, and be reminded of things that will bring 
in the prepared story very appropriately. 

The writer once knew of a very dull speaker, who 
scored a great success in a popular meeting, by 
describing the eloquent speaker who was to follow 
He began by telling how he was accustomed when 
a boy to take a skiff and follow in the wake of a 
steamer, to be rocked in its waves, but once getting 
before the huge vessel his boat was swept away, and 
he was nearly drowned. This unfortunately was his 
situation now, and he was in danger of being swept 
aside by the coming flood of eloquence. But he 
asked who is this coming man? It was the first 
lime he had heard of* him—then followed the story 
6e had been trying to work in—a story wherein the 
eloquent man was described as “ one who could give 
seventeen good reasons for anything under heaven.” 
The story was a great success. In dumb show, the 
speaker he referred to begged for mercy. This 
only delighted the audience still more, and when the 
dull speaker finished it was admitted that, for once, 
he had escaped being stupid or commonplace. He 
had also forced upon the next speaker the necessity 


tTbe Value of a (Boob Stot$ 


2h 


of removing the unpleasant effects of the jokes made 
at his expense, a task that required all his cleverness. 

The manner of introduction by the chairman, his 
name or general position, the appearance of any one 
of the guests, the lateness or earliness of the hour, 
events of the day that attract interest, the nature of 
the entertainment or assemblage—all of these will 
offer good hooks by which to draw in the story. But 
let the story be good and thoroughly mastered. Of 
course the work of adaptation will be much easier if 
you have several stories in reserve. A story must not 
be repeated so often that it becomes known as be¬ 
longing to you, for then a preceding speaker might 
get a laugh on you by telling it as yours, leaving you 
bankrupt. 

Jones and Smith once rode several miles in a car* 
riage, together, to a town where both were to make 
addresses. Jones was quite an orator; Smith had a 
very retentive memory. Jones asked Smith about 
his speech, but Smith professed not to have fully 
decided upon his topic, and in turn asked Jones the 
same question. Jones gave a full outline of his 
speech, Smith getting him to elaborate it by judi¬ 
cious inquiries as to how he would apply one point 
and illustrate another. The ride thus passed pleas¬ 
antly for both parties. Smith w r as called upon to 
speak first, and gave with telling effect what he had 


26 Coasts anfc forms of jpubUc HDbress 


gathered from Jones, to the delight of everybody, 
but poor Jones, who listened in utter consternation, 
and had not strength enough left even to reclaim his 
stolen property. 

If your speech is to be a story it is especially 
advisable to have a reserve on hand, for stories are 
easily copied and apt to be long remembered. Care 
also must be taken that the story is not one with 
which persons generally are familiar. A gentleman 
was in the habit of telling a story which has already 
been quoted, the point of which lies in the phrase 
11 I’m from Boston.” Some of his more intimate 
companions, in self-defense, w T ould exclaim when he 
proposed a story, “ Is it a mile from Boston ?” 

The definition of the toast itself or of any of the 
words in the sentiment which is the speaker’s topic 
may be made the occasion for drawing in the illus¬ 
trative story. 

The manner of ending a good story is also worthy 
of careful study. When an audience is applauding 
a palpable “ hit,” it does not seem an appropriate 
time to stop and take one’s seat; but it often is the 
best course. To do this appears so abrupt that the 
novice is apt to make a further effort to finish up the 
subject till he has finished up his audience as well. 
An attempt to fully discuss a topic, under such con- 
eumstances, is not successful once in a hundred 


Gbe lvalue of a 0oofc Stor$ 


tvmos* The best course is to follow an apt story by 
»ome prcrerb, a popular reference, or a witty turn, and 
*hen to close. But no abruptness will be disliked by 
your hearers half so much, as the utterance of a 
string of commonplaces, after you have once secured 
their attention. The richness of the dessert should 
come at the close, not at the beginning, of the 
oratorical feast 


THE PURPOSE OF AFTER-DINNER 
SPEAKING 


Briefly stated, it is to bring into ene focus the 
thought of an assembly. While the good things ot 
the table may be satisfactory, and conversation free 
and spontaneous, there is yet need of some expedient 
for making all thought flow in one channel, and of 
blending the whole company into a true unity. 
There is one way, and only one, of doing this 
—the same that is used to produce unity of action 
and thought In any assembly, for whatever purpose 
convened. When the destinies of empires are at 
stake, when great questions that arise among men 
are to be solved, the art of speech must be called 
into play. So after a good dinner has been enjoyed, 
the same potent agency finds a field, narrower, 
indeed, but scarcely less operative. And this object 
—of causing a whole assembly to think the same 
thoughts and turn their attention to a common 
topic—is often well attained even when the speeches 
do not aspire to great excellence or pretension to 
eloquence. 

28 



tTbc purpose of 2ifter=2)frmet Speafcmg 29 

A commonplace illustration will make our mean- 
ing clear. Suppose a great reception, where many 
rooms are filled with invited guests. There is con¬ 
versation, but only by groups of two or three persons; 
refreshments are served; larger groups begin to 
gather around prominent persons, but there is the 
same diversity of sentiment and purpose that is to 
be found in a chance crowd in a public park. The 
guests are not in one place, with one accord. Bux 
now, on some pretext, the power of public speech is 
evoked; perhaps a toast is offered and responded to 4 
or a more formal address of welcome or congratula¬ 
tion, or anything else suitable to the occasion. The 
subject and the manner of introduction are not 
material, so that the living, speaking man is brought 
face to face with his fellows; at once, instead of 
confusion and disorder, all is order and harmony. 
The speaker may hesitate in the delivery of his mes< 
sage, but his very embarrassment will in some in« 
stances contribute to harmonize the thought of the 
assembly even more powerfully than a more pretem 
tious address. But a good and appropriate speech 
will indelibly fix the thought, and be far more satis¬ 
factory. 

Where no particular kind of address is indicated 
by the nature of the assemblage, stories and humor 
will generally be highly appreciated. A good story 


80 tXoasts anD aforma ot public BDbreaa 


has some of the perennial interest that surrounds a 
romance, and if it is at the same time humorous, an 
appeal is made to another sentiment, universal in 
the human breast. If people thrill with interest in 
tmison, or laugh or cry together for a time, or merely 
give attention to the same thoughts, there will arise 
sl sense of fellowship and sympathy which is not 
only enjoyable, but is the very purpose for which 
people are invited to assemblies. 

More ordinary after-dinner speeches succeed by 
the aid of humorous stories than by all other means 
combined. In a very ingenious book of ready¬ 
made speeches the turning point of nearly every 
one depends upon a pun or other trick of speech. 
While this is carrying the idea a little too far, still it 
fairly indicates the importance placed upon sallies 
of wit or humor as a factor in speech-making. 
The fellowship that comes from laughing at the 
same jokes and approving the same sentiments may 
not be the most intimate or the most enduring, but 
it is often the only kind possible, and should be 
prized accordingly. 

The chief use of toasts is to call out such speeches, 
and thus lead the thought of the assembly along 
pleasant and appropriate channels—all prearranged, 
yet apparently spontaneous. 

A long speech is selfish and unpardonable. It 


Zbc purpose of BftersBlnner Speaking 31 

wearies the guests, destroys variety, and crowds others 
out of the places to which they have been assigned and. 
are entitled. When the speaking is over, the com¬ 
pany w T ill have been led to contemplate the same 
themes, and will have rejoiced, sympathized, and 
laughed in unison. 


SOME ABC DIRECTIONS FOR MAKING 
SPEECHES, TOASTS, AND RESPONSES 


1. Do not be afraid or ashamed to use the best 
Ivelps you can get. Divest yourself of the idea that all 
} ou need is to wait till a toast is proposed and your 
i tme called, and then to open your mouth and let 
I e eloquence flow forth. The greatest genius in the 
w orid might succeed in that way, but would not be 
flkely to venture it. Use a book and study your 
subject well. 

2. Generally, it is not well to memorize word fo* 
word either what you have written or obtained from 
a book, unless it is a pun or a story where the effect 
d> pends upon verbal accuracy. But be sure to 
memorize toasts, sentiments, and titles absolutely. 
To know the substance of } r our speech well, with 
c e or two strong points in it, is better than to have 
a flowery oration weighing down your memory. 

3. If you are a novice (and these directions are 
' r en to no others), do not aim to make a great 
( r 3ech, but to say a few things modestly and quietly. 

short and unassuming speech by a beginner ia 
32 



^Directions for Rafting Speeches, Etc. 


33 


sure of applause. Eloquence, if you have it in you, 
will come later through practice and familiarity with 
your subject. 

4. If you can’t remember or find a good story, in¬ 
vent one! Perhaps you have scruples as to the 
latter. But a story is not a lie; if so, what would 
become of the noble tribe of novel-writers! Mark 
Twain gives a very humorous account of the way in 
which he killed his conscience. Probably many 
speakers who retail good things might make confes¬ 
sion in the same direction. 

But why is it not as reputable to invent one’s own 
story as to tell the story some one else has invented ? 
Does the second telling improve its morality ? Ptather 
give heed to the quality of the story. This, and not 
its origin, is the really important matter to consider. 

5a Success in after-dinner speaking is difficult or 
easy to attain according to the way you go about it. 
If you think you must startle, rouse, and electrify 
your hearers, or, worse still, must instruct them in 
something you think important, but about which 
they care nothing, your efforts are likely to be 
attended by a hard and bitter experience. But if, 
when a prospective speech-occasion looms up, you 
will reflect upon the sentiment you wish to propose, 
or will get a friend to do a little planning and sug¬ 
gest the easiest toast or topic, and then attempt to 
3 


34 


TToaete anD aForms of public BDDresa 


say just a little, you will probably come off with 
flying colors. 

6. When you rise, do not be in a hurry. A little 
hesitation has a better effect than too much prompt* 
ness and fluency, and a little stammering or hesita- 
tion, it may be added, will have no bad effect. In 
beginning, your manner can without disadvantage 
be altogether lost sight of, and if you have some¬ 
thing to say the substance of which is good, and 
has been carefully prearranged, you will be able to 
give utterance to it in some form; grammatical 
mistakes or mispronunciation, where there is no 
affectation, as well as an occasional repetition, wilT 
rarely be noticed. 

7. Above all, remember it may be assumed that 
your hearers are your friends, and are ready to 
receive kindly what you have to say. This will 
have a wonderfully steadying effect on your nerves. 
And if your speech consists only of two or three 
sentences slowly and deliberately uttered, they will 
at least applaud its brevity, and give you credit for 
having filled your place on the programme respect¬ 
ably. 

It has been often said that Americans are greatly 
ahead of the English in general speech-making, but 
in pleasant after-dinner talking and addresses they 
are much inferior. Probably this was once true, but 


SMrectfons for Rafting fipeecbes, Btc. 3 h 


if so, it is true no longer. The reason of any formei 
deficiency was simply want of practice, without 
which no speech-making can be easy and effective. 
But the importance of this kind of oratory is now 
recognized, and, with proper efforts to cultivate and 
master it, Americans are taking the same high rank 
as in other forms of intellectual effort. Lowell and 
Depew are acknowledged as peers of any “ toast- 
responder ” or “ after-dinner orator ” the world has 
ever seen. One of the chief elements of their charm 
consists in the good stories they relate. Whoever 
has a natural faculty, be it ever so slight, as a story¬ 
teller, will, if he gathers up and appropriates the 
good things that he meets with, soon realize that he 
is making rapid progress in this delightful field, and 
that he gains much more than mere pleasure by his 
acquisitions. 

The best entertainments are not those which 
merely make a display of wealth and luxury. 
Quiet, good taste, and social attractions are far better. 
The English wit, Foote, describes a banquet of the 
former character. “ As to splendor, as far as it went, 
I admit it: there was a very fine sideboard of plate; 
and if a man could have swallowed a silversmith’s 
shop, there was enough to satisfy him; but as to all 
the rest, the mutton was white, the veal was red, the 
fish was kept too long, the venison not kept long 


86 {Toasts anD aforms ot public SDDress 

enough; to sum up all, everything was cold except 
the ice, and everything sour except the vinegar.” 
Excellence in the quality of the viands is not to be 
disregarded in the choicest company. A celebrated 
scholai and wit was selecting some of the choicest 
delicacies on the table, when a rich friend said to 
him, “ What! do philosophers love dainties ?’ : 
“Why not?” replied the scholar; “ do you think all 
the good things of this world were made only for block 
heads V' 


HOLIDAY SPEECHES 


I 

Fourth of July 

At a Fourth of July banquet, or celebration, toasts 
may be offered to “ The Flag,” to “ The Day,” 
to “ Independence,” to “ Our Revolutionary Fathers,” 
to “ The Nation,” to any Great Man of the Past, to 
“ Liberty,” to “ Free Speech,” to “ National Great¬ 
ness,” to “ Peace,” to “ Defensive AVar,” to any of the 
States, to “ AA r ashington ” or “ Lafayette,” to “ Our Old 
Ally, France,” to any of the “ Patriotic Virtues,” to 
“ The Army and The Navy,” to the Memory of any 
of the Battles by Land or Sea.” Appropriate senti* 
ments for any of these may easily be devised or may 
be found in the miscellaneous list in this volume. 
“ The Constitution and the Laws ” or something 
similar should not be omitted. 

SOME ITEMS THAT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE IN RE¬ 
SPONDING TO THESE TOASTS. 

Their order and character will depend upon the special topic. 

Our present prosperity—the greatness and re¬ 
sources of our country as compared with those of 

37 



$8 'Coasts anD 3Fetms of ®ubUc BDbress 


the Revolutionary epoch—the slow growth of the 
colonies—-the rapid growth of the States and the ad^ 
dition of new States continually—what was gained 
by independence—did we do more than simply pre¬ 
vent tyranny—the advantages an independent coun¬ 
try possesses over a colony, such as Canada—the 
perils of independence and the responsibility of 
power—the romantic early history of the country— 
the wars that preceded the Revolutionary conflict— 
the character of the struggle—the slenderness of our 
resources compared with the mighty power of 
Britain—our ally, France—what that nation gained 
and lost by joining in our quarrel—the mem¬ 
ories of Washington and Lafayette—the principles 
at stake in the Revolution—the narrow view our 
fathers took of the issue at first, and the manner in 
which they were led first to independence and then 
to nationality—some phases of the struggle—its 
critical points—Trenton and Valley Forge—Saratoga 
and Yorktown—our responsibilities and duties—the 
questions of that day enumerated and compared 
with the burning questions of the present da}^ (which 
we do not enumerate here, but which the speaker 
may describe or even argue if the nature of his 
audience, or time at his disposal permits) — the 
future greatness of the nation—the probability of 
the acquisition of new territory. 


Doltoau Speeches—3fourtu of 3ul$ 


39 


Laughable incidents either from history or illus¬ 
trations from any source, must not be forgotten, for 
if the speech be more than a few minutes long, 
they are absolutely indispensable. 

OUTLINE OF A SPEECH IN RESPONSE TO THE TOAST, 

“The Day We Celebrate” 

The Fourth of July has been a great day ever 
since 1776. Before that year the Fourth of this 
month came and went like other days. But then 
a great event happened: an event which made a great 
difference to the entire world; the boundaries of 
many countries would be very different to-day if the 
important event of that day had not transpired. It 
was a terrible blow to the foes of humanity and even 
to many weak-kneed friends. The exhortation of 
one of the signers of the Declaration on that day, 
“We must all hang together,” with the grim but 
very reasonable rejoinder, “ If we do not, we will 
assuredly hang separately.” The bloodshed and 
suffering which followed and which seem to be the 
only price at which human liberty and advancement 
can be procured. We had to deal with our old 
friends the English very much as the peace-loving 
Quaker did with the pirate who boarded his ship ; 
taking him by the collar Broad-brim dropped him 
over the ship’s side into the water, saying, “ Friend, 


40 Goasts anb 3forms of public HOOress 

thee has no business on this ship.” We have shown 
that we own and can navigate the ship of State our¬ 
selves, and now we are willing to welcome here not 
only John Bull but all nations of the world when 
they have any friendly business with us. 

The gunpowder that has been consumed. First, 
during the Revolutionary war and the second war 
with England; and then the powder that has been 
exploded by small and large boys in the hundred 
*nd odd Fourths that have followed. 

OUTLINE OF A SPREAD-EAGLE SPEECH 
IN A FOREIGN LAND 

We are so far from home that we can’t hear the 
eagle scream or see the lightning in his eye. Only 
from the almanac do we know that this is the day of 
all days on which he distorts himself. He was a 
small bird when born, more than a hundred years ago, 
but has grown lively till his wings reach from ocean 
to ocean, and it only requires a little faith to see him 
stretch himself clear over the Western Hemisphere 
and the adjacent islands. Other birds despised him 
on the first great Fourth, but these birds of prey, 
vultures, condors and such like, with crows, as well 
as the smaller Republican eagles born since, are 
humble enough to him now. The British lion him¬ 
self having been so often scratched and clawed by 


TboltoaE Speeches—jfourtb of 5ulg 


41 


this fowl, has learned to shake his mane and wag hia 
tail rather amiably in our eagle’s presence, even if 
he has to give an occasional growl to keep his hand 
in. We are proud of this bird, though we are far 
from home, and to-day send our heartiest good wishes 
across the sea to the land we love the best. 

OUTLINE OF A RESPONSE TO THE TOAST, 

“ Our Country ” 

The field here is very wide. All the history of the 
country is appropriate, but can only be glanced at, 
though a good speech might be made by dwelling at 
length on some romantic incident in its history. The 
size and richness of the country from the green pine 
forests of Maine to the golden orange groves of Cali¬ 
fornia ; or the prophecy of the manifest greatness of 
coming destiny. Here the old but laughable story 
can be brought in easily about the raw Irishman who 
saw a pumkin for the first time, and was told that it 
was a mare’s egg, and generously given one. He had 
the misfortune, however, to drop it out of his cart, 
when it rolled down-hill, struck a stump, burst and 
frightened a rabbit, which bounded away followed 
by Pat, shouting: “ Shtop my colt; sure and if he 

is so big and can run so fast now, when just born, 
what a rousing horse he will be when grown up!” 

But our country has more than merely a vast area. 


42 


ftoaats anfc 3forms of Ipublic SlODresa 


She has made advances in science, art, literature, and 
culture of all kinds, and is destined to play a chief 
part in the drama of the world’s progress. 


Memorial Day 

The celebration of this day has become general and 
has assumed a special and beautiful character. It 
might have been feared that angry passions en¬ 
gendered by civil strife would predominate, but the 
very reverse of this is true. Kindness and charity, 
tender memories of the sacrifices of patriotism, the 
duty of caring for the living and of avoiding all that 
might lead again to the sad necessity of war, are the 
sentiments nearly always inculcated. 

The'following are a few of the toasts that may be 
given at celebrations, or banquets, or at the exercises 
that form a part of the annual decorating of soldiers’ 
graves: 

The Martyred Dead—the Regiments locally repre¬ 
sented—the Army and Navy—any Dead Soldier es¬ 
pecially prominent—the Union Forever—the Whole 
Country—Victory always for the Right—the Surviv¬ 
ing Soldiers and Sailors—Unbroken Peace—the 
Commander-in-Chief, and other officers locally horn 
ored—any special battle whose field is near at hand-- 
the Flag with all its Stars undimmed. 



t)olfbas Speeches—/fftemorlal 2>a$ 45 

SKETCH OF A SPEECH IN RESPONSE TO THE TOAST* 

“ Our Honored Dead ” 

Time in its rapid flight tests many things. 
Thirty years ago the Southern Confederacy, like a 
dark cloud full of storm and thunderings, covered the 
Southern heavens. Statesmen planned, preachers 
prayed, women wept, and armies as brave as ever 
formed in line fought, for its establishment. Blood 
lowed freely, and the roar of battle filled the whole 
land. Many wise men thought it would continue for 
*ges, but lo ! it has disappeared. Nothing remains to 
its adherents but a memory—mournful, pathetic, and 
fitter. 

How different with the Old Flag that we love. It 
aad been tested before, but this was its supreme trial. 
It had been victorious in several wars. It had shel¬ 
tered new and expanding States, it had fostered higher 
forms of civilization, and represented peoples and 
interests that were complex and varied; but in our 
Civil War it was assailed as never before. The test 
was crucial, but nobly was it borne. Men died in 
ranks as the forest goes down before the cyclone. 
What sharp agony in death, and what long- 
continued suffering and bereavement this implies. 
But the result was decisive—a strengthening of the 


44 Coasts anD 3Forms of ipubltc BDbress 

« 

power and grandeur of the nation that sometimes 
seems to be only too great and unquestioned. 

We have no wish by any word of ours to revive 
bitter feeling or stir up strife. This hallowed day 
has been from the first a peacemaker. Men, standing 
with uncovered heads in the presence of the dead, do 
not care to utter words of reproach for the irrevoca¬ 
ble past. We, wearing the blue, can say to the 
scarred veteran wearers of the gray: “ You fought 
well for the lost cause. But the case was fairly tried 
in the awful court of war. It took four years for the 
jury to agree, but the verdict has been given—• 
a verdict against your cause—and there is no 
higher court and no appeal. There is no resurrec¬ 
tion for the dead Confederacy; but we can offer you 
something better—an equal part in the life and 
destiny of the most glorious nation time has yet 
produced.” And on their side the gray can reply, 
in the words of Colonel Grady, the eloquent orator 
of the South, in his speech at Atlanta: “ We can now 
see that in this conflict loss w r as gain, and defeat real 
and substantial victory; that everything we hoped 
for and fought for, in the new government we sought 
to establish, is given to us in greater measure in the 
old government our fathers founded.” 

We do not meet on these Memorial Days to weep 
for the dead, as we did while wounds w T ere yet fresh. 


IboUDaE Speeches—/ffremortal 2)ag 


45 


Time has healed the scars of war, and we can calmly 
contemplate the great lesson of patriotic devotion, 
and rejoice that the nation to which we belong pro¬ 
duced men noble enough to die for that which they 
valued so much. Neither do I care to say anything 
of human slavery, the institution that died and was 
buried with the Confederacy. I had enough to say’ 
about it while it was living. Let the dead past bury 
its dead. 

But we are here to foster patriotism, in view of 
the most tremendous sacrifice ever willingly made 
by a people on the altar of nationality. That the 
sacrifices of the Civil War deserve this rank will 
appear from the fact that they were made—in the 
main—-by volunteers. We were not fighting directly 
to defend our altars and our fires; we were not 
driven to arms to repel an invading foe; we were not 
hurried to the field by king or noble; but in the first 
flush of manhood we offered ourselves to preserve 
unimpaired the unity, the purity, the glory of our 
nation. So far as I have turned over the leaves of 
the volume of time, I have found nothing in all the 
past like this. Therefore, standing before the highest 
manifestation of earthly patriotism, viewing it 
crowned in all the glory of self-sacrifice, by a faith¬ 
fulness which was literally in the case of hundreds 
of thousands “ unto death,” we ask; “ What is there 


46 XToasts an& forms of public BDDcess 


that justifies a nation in exacting or accepting (when 
freely offered) such tribute of the life-blood of its 
people ?” 

The two things of inestimable value which oui 
government furnishes and which we ought to preserve 
even with life itself, if the sacrifice is needed, are 
liberty and law, or rather liberty in law. The old 
world gave law, without which human society cannot 
exist. But it was accompanied with terrible suffer¬ 
ing—as when “ order reigned in Warsaw.” Such law 
came from masters, and made the mass of the people 
slaves. We have an equal perfection of law, order, 
subordination, but it rises side by side with liberty 
The people govern themselves—not in one form ot 
government alone but in affairs national, State, 
county, down to the smallest school district and a 
thousand voluntary societies. In each the methods 
by which the people’s will may be made supreme in 
designated affairs are clearly defined, so that the whole 
of united human effort is brought under the do¬ 
minion of law, even such things as general educa¬ 
tion, and yet each affair is in the hands of the people 
directly concerned. For thousands of years the 
principles of our complex and wonderful system of 
co-ordinated government have been growing up till 
they have reached their fullest perfection on our soil, 
Mid we breathe their beneficence as we breathe the ail 


IboUDaE Speeches— /Memorial £>ag 


4 ? 


of heaven. Men are willing to die by the tens of 
thousands that this liberty under law may not perish 
from the world. 

. . . Comrades and Citizens:—We move forward 
to new issues and new responsibilities. Grave 
dangers are now upon us. God grant that they may 
not need to be met and settled in the rude shock of 
war. The time for wisdom, for clear-sighted pa¬ 
triotism is— now. Labor and capital, the foundations 
of law and order; the complex civilization of a 
nation which now talks by lightning, and is hurled 
by steam over plains and mountains, and which, 
doubtless, will soon fly through the air—all these are to 
be settled by the men now on the stage of action. We 
cannot do better than to tell you, to settle them in 
the spirit of the men whose great sacrifices we to-day 
commemorate. 

OUTLINE OF A SPEECH BY ChAUNCEY M. DePEW, ON 
A DECORATION [MEMORIAL] DAY 

This is one of the most interesting of national 
celebrations, appealing not to pride, but to tender 
personal memories. But we must not give ourselves 
up wholly to sadness or mourning. The story of 
issues and results must be told. 

Why did our heroes die? On account of the 
cancer of slavery and the resulting doctrine of State 


48 {Toaets an& fforms of public BOOress 


Rights. Nationality and liberty, the opposite view. 
The former was the party of action, and, therefore, 
though in a minority, it was bolder and more deter¬ 
mined. But the shell of materialism dropped from 
the North, and it was aroused with electric energy 
when Sumter was fired on; there was no passion, 
only such fervid resolve to preserve our nation as the 
world never before saw. The struggle over, there were 
no State trials, no prisons nor scaffolds, and the Re¬ 
public, though bleeding at every pore, said to the 
conquered enemy, “ Come and share fully with us all 
the blessings of our preserved institutions,” and thus 
won a second victory greater than the first. 

The wonderful intelligence of the volunteer— 
story of Napoleon’s soldier—“ Dead on the field of 
honor.” 

The Grand Army of the elect—the heroes of 
history, some of whom are enumerated—the actual 
value to a nation of such heroism. To-day all that 
belongs to the strife is forgiven, but its lessons are too 
noble and precious ever to be forgotten. We can all, 
North and South, read with enthusiasm the story of 
each varied and romantic campaign. 

The Confederate women first began decorating the 
graves of their dead with flowers, and did not pass 
by the Union graves near their late foes. This 
touched the heart of the nation as nothing else could 


IfroUDap Speeches—'Mashtnetcm's JSirtbDa^ 4$ 


have done, and enmity melted away, and the ob¬ 
servance of the day has become universal. 

The two great national heroes—Washington, with 
his wise, foresighted “ Farewell Address Lincoln, 
with his gentle spirit, his martyr death, and his 
tender words, “ With malice towards none, with 
charity for all.” Washington the Founder, Lincoln 
the Preserver. 


Washington’s Birthday 

APPROPRIATE TOASTS 

To Washington—to The Great Men of Revolution¬ 
ary Times—to The Great Man who could not do 
what many modern Politicians can do— tell a lie —to 
The Childless Father of Eighty Millions of people—- 
to The American Model Statesman—to The Greatest 
of Good Men and the Best of Great Men. 

THOUGHTS FOR A SPEECH IN RESPONSE TO THE TOAST 

“ Washington : Great as a Soldier, 
Greater as a Statesman, Great¬ 
est as a Pure Patriot ” 

Indian, French, and English enemies. He had to 
make the armies with which he conquered. He was 
always a safe commander, but full of enterprise also— 
his character made the Union of the States and the 

4 



50 Coasts anD 3forms of public BODress 


Constitution possible. His character the best inherit* 
ance of the American people. Other men as great, 
possibly in some instances greater in a single field— 
his greatness shown in the wide union of the noblesf 
kinds of greatness, all in harmony. 

HUMOROUS RESPONSE BY BENJAMIN F. BuTLER TO THE 

toast, “ Our Forefathers ” 

“ While venerating their lofty patriotism, may we 
emulate them in their republican simplicity of man¬ 
ners.” He declared that a great deal had been said 
at one time and another about the democratic sim¬ 
plicity of our forefathers. Suppose that the gentle¬ 
men of the present day should go back to some of the 
customs of the forefathers. Suppose a man should go 
to a ball nowadaj^s in the costume in which Thomas 
Jefferson, “ that great apostle of democratic sim¬ 
plicity,” once appeared in Philadelpnia. What a 
sensation he would create with his modest (?) cos¬ 
tume of velvet and lace, with knee-breeches, silk 
stockings, silver shoe-buckles, and powdered wig. 
“ Even the great father of his country had a little 
Style about him,” said the speaker. “ It was a known 
fact that he never went to Congress when he was Presi¬ 
dent unless he went in a coach and six, with a little 
cupid on the box bearing a wreath of flowers. The 
coach must be yellow and the horses white, and then 


IDcliDag Speeches—Christmas 51 

the President’s secretary usually followed in a coach 
drawn by four horses. When Washington ascended 
the steps to enter the doors, he always stopped for a 
moment and turned slowly around to allow an admir¬ 
ing people to see the father of their country. Oh ! 
our forefathers were saturated with modesty and sim« 
plicity. The people of the present day have retro¬ 
graded greatly from the simplicity of their Revolu¬ 
tionary ancestors. I can remember when it was im¬ 
possible, years before the war, to hold a night session 
of Congress. It was impossible because the members 
of Congress attended dinners, and lingered over their 
wine. They attended dinners very like the one we 
have just enjoyed, and yet there is not a man in this 
company who is unfitted to attend to any public or 
private duties that might demand his attention. Yes, 
it is true that we have departed from the old customs, 
but we have advanced and not retrograded. The 
world has changed, but it has changed for the better. 
It is growing better every day, and don’t let anybody 
forget it.” 


Christmas 

APPROPRIATE TOASTS 

The Day of Good-will—to The Cold Weather with¬ 
out and the Warm Hearts within—to The Christmas 



52 ftoasts ano f orms ot public BDbrcss 

Tree, which grows in a Night and is plucked in the 
Morning by the gladdest of fingers—to The Day in 
which Religion gives sweetness to Social Life— 
Christmas Gifts; may they bless the Giver not less 
than the Receiver—to The Oldest of our Festivals, 
which grows mellower and sweeter with the passage 
of the centuries—to St. Nicholas [or Santa Claus], 
the only saint Protestants worship—to A Merry Day 
that leaves no heart-ache—to A Good Christmas, 
may sleighing, gifts, and feasting crowd out all 
gambling and drunkenness. 

SPEECH-THOUGHTS 

The good cheer enjoyed on this merriest day of the 
year. How the little people look forward to it. It 
comes to the older ones as a joy, and yet tender and 
sad with the memories of other Christmases. The 
religious and the secular elements of the day. The 
countries where it is most observed. The long contest 
between the two days, Thanksgiving and Christmas. 
The compromise that Massachusetts and Virginia, 
New England and the South, have unanimously 
agreed upon; namely, to keep both days. 

SELECTED OUTLINE OF AN EFFECTIVE LITTLE 
CHRISTMAS SPEECH 

The speaker assumes that the observance of the 
day is becoming obsolete, and that there are persons 


‘IbolfDag Speeches—ITbanftsotvtncj 


53 


who wish it to die out. The assumption, though 
rather strained, affords the opportunity to demolish 
this man of straw. “All other kings may go, but no 
one can spare King Christmas, or St. Nicholas, his 
prime minister. School-rooms and nurseries would 
rebel. And plum pudding is too strongly entrenched 
in Church and State to be dislodged. Washington 
Irving, with his Sketch Book, would protest. Best 
argument of all is the worth of the Christmas enter¬ 
tainments. Here’s to the Festival of Festivals, and 
long may its honors be done by such hosts as enter¬ 
tain us to-day.” 


Thanksgiving 

Coming at the beginning of the farmer’s rest, when 
the harvest is all gathered, this is a very joyous fes¬ 
tival, and more than any other abounds in family 
reunions. Any toast therefore is appropriate which 
tells of the harvest, of fertility, of the closing year, 
of the family pride and traditions, of pleasure to 
young and old. At dinner, turkey and mince or 
pumpkin pie will of course be served, and these 
national favorites must not be forgotten by the toast- 
maker. 

This day, too, has an official and governmental 
flavor given to it by the State and national procla* 



54 {Toasts ant) jforms of ipublfc BODress 

inations which fix the date and invite its observance. 
Usually, these enumerate the blessings enjoyed by 
the whole country during the year, and suggest 
topics peculiarly fitting for toasts. It is perhaps not 
too much to say that Thanksgiving is distinctly the 
American Festival, and should be honored accord¬ 
ingly. 

TOASTS 

To The Inventor of Pumpkin Pie—to Peace with 
all Nations—to The Rulers of our Country—to The 
Farmer—to Full Stomachs and Merry Hearts—to 
iheir Excellencies, the President and the Governor; 
may we obey all their commands as willingly as 
when they tell us to feast—Abounding Plenty; may 
we always remember the Source from which our 
benefits come—Our two National Fowls, the Ameri¬ 
can Eagle and the Thanksgiving Turkey; may the 
one give us peace for all our States and the other a 
piece for all our plates—The Turkey and the Eagle; 
we love to have the one soar high, but wish the other 
to roost low—The Great American Birds; may we 
have them where we love them best, the Turkeys on 
our tables and the Eagles in our pockets. 

THOUGHTS FOR A THANKSGIVING SPEECH 

The manner in which the day was first instituted. 
The sore struggles and the small beginnings of that 


ItoliDaE speeches— ftbanfcsgfviiiQ 


55 


day compared with the greatness and abounding pros¬ 
perity of the present. The warfare between Christmas 
and Thanksgiving, the one being thought the badge 
of popery and prelacy. The Battle of the Pies, pump¬ 
kin and mince, terminating in a treaty of peace and 
alliance; and now we can enjoy the nightmare by 
feasting on both combined! The national blessings 
of the year; the poorest have more now than kings 
and emperors had five hundred years ago. Exemp¬ 
tion from wars. Internal peace. Willingness and 
habit of settling every domestic dispute by the 
ballot, and not the bullet. The increasing tendency 
to arbitrate between nations, thus avoiding the 
horrors of war. The beneficence of our government 
and the ease with which its operations rest upon our 
shoulders. The wonderful progress of science and 
invention, and the manner in which these have added 
to the comfort of all the people. 

SELECTED OUTLINE FOR A THANKSGIVING SPEECH 

Why we ought to be grateful to the old Puritans, 
with all their faults. Their unsuccessful warfare on 
plum pudding, which, like truth, “ crushed to earth/'’ 
rose again. Their discovery and enshrining of Tur¬ 
key. On this day the Nation gathers as a family at the 
Thanksgiving board, and from all parts of the world 
the wanderers come home to the family feast. The 


56 (Toasts anb 3forms or public Bbbress 

duty of Happiness, joined to gratitude, is emphasized 
this day. The closing toast, “ The Federal Eagle 
and the Festal Turkey; may we always have peace 
under the wings of the one, and be able to obtain £ 
piece from the breast of the other.” 


PRESENTATION ADDRESSES 


Giving a present is a kind and graceful act, and 
should be accompanied by a simple, short, and unaf¬ 
fected speech. “ Take this ” would have the merit 
of brevity, hut would fail in conveying any informa¬ 
tion as to who gave, why they gave to the recipient , 
and why that present was selected rather than 
another, and why the speaker was chosen to make 
the presentation. All of these items form a part of 
nearly every presentation address, whilst some of 
them belong to all. 

The novice will find much help in preparing his 
proposed speech by selecting a few items that are 
generally appropriate ; afterward he can include 
anything which his own genius or wishes may 
suggest. 

He may say that an abler speaker might have been 
selected for the pleasant duty, but not one who 
could enter into it more heartily or with more good 
wishes. He can refer to any circumstance which, if 
told briefly, will show why he has been selected, 
notwithstanding his reluctance or sense of unworthi- 

67 



58 


Coasts an& fforms of K5ut>Ife BODresa 


ness; or why he is pleased that the selection has 
fallen upon him. Such reference is usually effec¬ 
tive. 

Then the nacu** of the gift may be described* 
Here is an easy field for a little pleasantry. If a 
watch, it can be said, “ Your friends are growing a 
little suspicious of you, and, after due deliberation, 
they have determined to a place a watch upon jmu.” 
If a cane is the article in hand, then the painful 
duty of administering punishment for offenses by 
caning is in order. A ring will afford an opportunity 
for many verbal plays. The ring of friends about 
the recipient, the true ring of a bell, or of an 
uncracked vase, a political ring—any of these can 
be made to lead up to the little hoop of gold. The 
fineness of the material, its sterling and unvarying 
Value, the inscription on it, any specialty in its form 
^all these will be found rich in suggestion. Silver¬ 
ware of any kind may also be considered as to the 
form of the article, the use to which it is to be put, 
and the purity of the metal. Hardly any article 
can be thought of which will not allow some 
pleasant puns oi bon mots. If a book is given, we 
bring the person “ to book,” and the book to him. 
Job wished that his enemy might write a book; 'we, 
more charitable, wish our friend to read a book, and 
now offer him a good one for the purpose. The 


IPreaen ration la&fcreaaes 


59 


author or the title will, if closely examined, yield 
some matter for play on words. 

The army presents of sword or banner, wnile 
usually more serious, do not forbid the same kind of 
badinage. 

But this should form only a small portion of the 
speech, and consist merely of two or three well- 
studied sentences, to be uttered slowly, so that their 
double meaning may have time to sink in, and 
appear also as if they were just thought of. A good 
anecdote should be introduced at this point. It 
must be short, tinged with humor, and, if it succeeds 
in arousing the attention of the hearers, it will be of 
great value. If it is very appropriate or highly 
illustrative, these qualities will compensate for 
humor. Indeed, a felicitous anecdote will make the 
whole speech a success, if the speech is not con¬ 
tinued too long afterward. Better suffer the extreme 
penalty of reading every anecdote in this volume, 
and of searching for hours in other fields, than fail to 
get the right one; but if unsuccessful invent one for 
the occasion! 

The good qualities of the recipient must not be 
overlooked, especially those in recognition of which 
the present is given. If anything in the nature of 
the present itself can be made symbolic of these 
assumed good or great qualities, it will be a happy 


GO Coasts anD aforms of public BbDres$ 

circumstance. And while flattery should not bt, 
excessive or too palpable, it is seldom indeed that 
a large dose of “ pleasant things” will not be well 
received by all parties on such an occasion. 

The expression of kindly feeling and good wishes 
always affords a favorable opportunity for closing 
Perhaps, however, a more striking conclusion can 
be made by taking advantage of the very moment 
when the present is handed over to the recipient, 
accompanying this act with a hearty wish for its 
long retention and its happy use in the manner its 
nature indicates. Wishing a ring to be worn as a 
memento of friendship, a watch to mark the passage 
of happy hours, a cane not to be needed for support, 
but only as a treasured ornament, a sword to be worn 
with honor and only to be unsheathed at the call of 
duty or of patriotism, etc. 

The reception of a gift is more easy than the pre¬ 
sentation, but is at the same time more embarrassing. 
The reception is easier, because the essential part of 
the response is to say “ Thank you,” which are very 
easy words to utter if the givers are real friends and 
the present is an appropriate one. It is more em¬ 
barrassing because it is always harder to receive a 
favor gratefully' than to give one. If the gift is a 
surprise, there is no harm in saying so, though if 
& is not a surprise, it i3 not advisable to tell an 


f^reeentatfon Bb&reesea 


untruth about it. The recipient may say he is em¬ 
barrassed, and his embarrassment—whether real or 
feigned—will create sympathy for him. Besides, be 
can ask for indulgence with more grace than the 
preceding speaker, as he is supposed to be taken by 
surprise. He may be so overcome with emotion 
as to break down altogether, and yet he will be 
loudly applauded. 

A still stronger reason for this disparity is that the 
speaker representing the givers has been selected, 
probably out of a large company, to make his speech, 
and is thus expected to do it well; but the receiver 
occupies his position for a reason that has no con¬ 
nection whatever with his speech-making powers. 
If he succeeds in expressing his gratitude and good¬ 
will to those who have been so generous he will have 
served the essential purpose of his speech; but if, 
in addition, he can gather up the points made in 
the presentation speech, assenting to its general prin¬ 
ciples, accepting the humorous charges for which he 
is to be watched, caned, stoned (when a diamond 
or other stone is given), or put to the sword, and 
gently deprecates the serious flattery offered, he will 
be regarded as doing exceedingly well. One phrase 
he will not be likely to omit, unless “ he loses his 
head altogether—“ When I look upon this, I will 


62 Coasts anD 3forms of public BObreas 

always remember the feelings of this hour, the kind 
words uttered, the appreciation shown.” This word 
* appreciation.,” with the reiteration of thanks, will 
make a very fitting conclusion. 


ADDRESSES OF WELCOME 


In our country the number of voluntary associa* 
rions that visit similar associations, or meet at special 
times and places is very large. Often such associa¬ 
tions are furnished with free board and lodging by 
the people of the place where the assemblage occurs. 
.Facilities for assemblage and enjoyment are offered 
and other privileges tendered that are highly appre¬ 
ciated. Religious bodies, church and philanthropic 
societies, military and fire companies, athletic and 
social clubs, various orders and educational societies, 
political bodies, these form only a small proportion 
of the endless number of organizations convening 
and gathering at different centres, gatherings which 
serve to keep all parts of our country in close touch. 

It is needless to furnish model speeches for each 
of these, for the same general line of remark is 
adapted to all. The changes of illustration de¬ 
manded by the character of the association to be 
welcomed, and for which responses are to be made, 
will be readily understood, and a little study of the 
name and character of the place of meeting wili 

m 



64 Coasts anfc 3forms of public BDDress 

make the necessary local allusions quite easy. The 
welcome and response for a fire company, or a base* 
ball club, will not differ much from that for a 
Christian Endeavor Society. A few general hints 
and a little investigation by the novice will put him 
on the right track in either case. 

ADDRESS OF WELCOME 

A clear statement about those who extend the 
welcome and of those whc are to he welcomed is 
appropriate. This may be expanded advantage* 
ously by giving a few of the characteristics of each, 
greater latitude being allowed in complimenting those 
who are welcomed than those who entertain. It is 
bad taste to spend more time in telling our guests how 
good and great we are than in expressing the exalted 
opinion we have of them for their noble w T ork, their 
great fame, or their high purpose; or in declaring the 
pleasure we feel and the honor we have in entertain¬ 
ing them. The warmth of the welcome extended 
should be expressed in the fullest manner, and as 
this is the central purpose of the whole address, it 
will bear one repetition. A good illustrative story, 
brief hut pointed, may be worked in somewhere, 
perhaps in connection with a modest depreciation of 
our own fitness or ability adequately to express the 
strong feelings of those we represent, though if one 


B&Dresses ot Udelcome 


65 


can be found having a connection with the visitors 
themselves, it will be still better. What we wish our 
visitors to do while with us may also be appropri¬ 
ately referred to. If there are places of interest for 
them to visit, work for them to do, or special entertain¬ 
ments provided,—here is additional matter for re¬ 
mark. All these items may be run through in a few 
minutes, and then the address should close. The 
most bungling and formal welcome, if short, will be 
enjoyed more and be more applauded than the most 
graceful and eloquent one unduly prolonged. Should, 
however, in spite of this warning, more “ filling in n 
be desired of an appropriate character, it may be 
found almost without limit in setting forth the claims 
of the cause which both the visitors and the enter¬ 
tainers represent—athletic sports, religion, benevo¬ 
lence, education, or what not. 

ADDRESS IN RESPONSE 

This may be still more brief than the address ot 
welcome. To say that the reception is hearty, that 
it gives pleasure and is gratefully received and appro 
ciated, is all that is essential. An invitation to return 
the visit should not be forgotten, if circumstances 
are such that it can be appropriately made. Then 
the speaker has an opportunity to review any por¬ 
tion of the preceding speech and express his indorse- 
& 


66 tToaste anb fforms or public Bbbrees 

ment of any of the assertions made. He should no\ 
dissent from them, unless this dissent can be made the 
means of a little adroit flattery by placing a higher 
estimate upon the entertainers and their services 
than their own speaker has done, or by modestly 
disclaiming some of the praise that has been given. 
The novice must avoid being carried too far by this 
fascinating review, both as to the quantity and the 
quality of the disagreement. 

A closing sentence may be, “Allow me once mora 
most heartily, to thank you for this generous wel¬ 
come to—your homes—your headquarters—to the 
hospitalities of your city,” as the case may be. 






WEDDING AND OTHER ANNIVERSARIES 


Another wide field for the oratory of entertain¬ 
ment is to be found in the various celebrations that 
mark the passage of specific or notable portions of 
time—-centennial, semi-centennial, and quadrennial; 
likewise weddings, annual, tin, paper, crystal, silver' 
and golden. The speeches for these differ widely in 
character. They may take the form of congratulatory 
addresses, of toasts and responses, or more formal 
addresses. All dedications come in the same cate¬ 
gory. Generally the shorter intervals call for light 
and humorous speeches, while the longer ones de¬ 
mand something more grave and thoughtful. 

The following speech and response for a wooden 
(fifth) wedding anniversary is taken from a vol¬ 
ume of ready made speeches. It is a fine example 
of that wit and play upon words which is never 
more suitable or more highly appreciated than on 
s uch an occasion. 

SPEECH FOR A WOODEN WEDDING 

If it is a good maxim not to halloo till you are 
Out of the woods, our kind host and hostess must be 

67 



68 


Coasts anb 3forms of public BODreaa 


very quiet this evening, for it seems to me that they 
are in the thick of it. If their friends had been 
about to burn them alive instead of to wish them 
joy on their fifth wedding-day, they could scarcely 
have brought a greater quantity of combustible 
material to the sacrifice. What shall we say to them 
on this ligneous occasion ? Of course, we must con¬ 
gratulate them on their willingness to renew theii 
matrimonial vows after five years of double¬ 
blessedness. In this age of divorce it is something 
worthy of note, that a pair who have been one and 
inseparable for even so short a period as the twentieth 
part of a century, should stand up proudly before the 
world and propose to strengthen the original com¬ 
pact with a new one. They look as happy and con¬ 
tented as if they had never heard of Chicago, or 
seen those tempting little advertisements in the news¬ 
papers that propose to separate man and wife with 
immediate dispatch for a reasonable consideration. 
Instead of going to court to cut the nuptial bond in 
twain, it appears that they have been courting for 
five years with the view of being remarried this 
evening. Vaccination, it is said, wears out in seven 
years, but matrimony, we see, in this instance, at 
least, takes a stronger hold of the parties inoculated 
as time rolls on; and although in this case they are 
willing to go through the operation again, it is not 


IKHebDlng and ©tber Bnnfversadee 


69 


for the sake of making assurance doubly sure, hut in 
order to enjoy marriage as a luxury. With this 
happy specimen of a wooden wedding before them, 
our young unmarried friends will see that they can 
go into the joinery business with but little risk of 
getting into the wrong box. In fact, it is because 
connubial bliss beats every other species of felicity 
all hollow that we have met this evening to requite 
it with hollow-ware. In the name of all their friends, 
I affectionately congratulate the doubly-married pair 
on their past happiness and future prospects, and 
hope they may live to celebrate their fiftieth wedding- 
day and receive a golden reward. 

BRIDEGROOM IN REPLY 

u For self and partner ”—as men associated in 
business sometimes conclude their letters—I offer to 
you and all our friends who have obliged us with 
their presence, the thanks of the firm which renews, 
its articles of partnership this evening. We welcome 
you heartily to our home, well knowing that your 
kind wishes are not like—your useful and elegant 
tokens of remembrance— hollow-ware. When Birnam 
Wood came to Dunsinane, Macbeth was conquered, 
and it seems to me that you have come almost as 
well provided with timber as Macduff and Malcolm 
were. Your articles, however, although of wood, are 


70 


{Toasts anb aforms of iPubUc Bbbress 


not of the Bum ’em kind, and I am not such a 
Dunce inane as to decline accepting them. Indeed, 
my wife, who, notwithstanding her matrimonial vows, 
has a single eye —to housekeeping—would not permit 
me to refuse them were I so inclined. She knows 
their value better than I do, and with the assistance 
of her kitchen cabinet will, I have no doubt, employ 
them usefully. 

The speech closes with thanks and good wishes in 
return. 


TOASTS 


A toast may be given either with or without a 
teentiment attached, and in either case a response is 
equally fitting; but in the former the subject is nar¬ 
rowed and defined by the nature of the sentiment. 
Y et the speaker need not hold himself closely to the 
3entiment, which is often made rather a point of de¬ 
parture even by the ablest speakers. Indeed, the 
latitude accorded to after-dinner speeches is very 
great, and a sentiment which gives unity and direc¬ 
tion to the speech made in response to it is, on that 
account, of great value. 

To illustrate these points we will take the toast, 
“ Our Flag.” A speech in response would be prac¬ 
tically unlimited in scope of treatment. Anything 
patriotic, historical or sentimental, which brings in 
some reference to the banner, would be appropriate. 
But let this sentiment be added: “ May the justness 
and benevolence which it represents ever charm the 
heart, as its beauty charms the eye,” and the outline 
of a speech is already indicated. Has our nation 
always been just and kind? Where and how have 

71 



72 tCoaets ano bourns of public BDDrcse 


these qualities been most strikingly manifested? 
Why have we seemed sometimes to come short of 
them, and how should such injustice or harsh deal¬ 
ing be remedied, with as much rhetorical admixture 
of the waving folds and the glittering stars as the 
speaker sees fit to employ. 

From these considerations may be deduced the 
rule that when the proposer of a toast wishes to 
leave the respondent the freedom of the whole sub¬ 
ject he will give the toast alone, or accompanied by 
a motto of the most non-committal character. But 
if he wishes to draw him out in a particular direc¬ 
tion he will put the real theme in the sentiment 
that follows the toast 

SENTIMENTS SUGGESTED BY A TOAST 

Years ago a speaker provoked a controversy (ma¬ 
liciously and with no good excuse) which scarcely 
came short of blows, by proposing as a toast the name 
of a general of high rank, but who was unfortunate 
in arms. He was a candidate for office. Added to 
the toast was the sentiment, “ May his political equai 
his military victories.” This was in bad taste, in¬ 
deed, but it shows the use that can be made of the 
sentiment, when added to a toast, in fixing attention 
in a certain direction. 

The number of sentiments suggested by the com- 


TToaste 73 

mon and standard toasts is unlimited. Take the 
toast “ Home,” as an example. 

Home: The golden setting in which the brightest 
jewel is “ Mother.” 

Home : A world of strife shut out, and a world of 
love shut in. 

Home: The blossoms of which heaven is the fruit 

Home: The only spot on earth where the faults 
and failings of fallen humanity are hidden under a 
mantle of charity. 

Home: An abode w r herein the inmate, the superior 
being called man, can pay back at night, with fifty 
per cent, interest, every annoyance that he has met 
with in business during the day. 

Home: The place where the great are sometimes 
small, and the small often great. 

Home: The father’s kingdom; the child’s par 
adise; the mother’s world. 

Home: The jew T el casket containing the most 
precious of all jewels—domestic happiness. 

Home: The place where you are treated best and 
grumble most. 

Home: It is the central telegraph office of human 
love, into which run innumerable wires of affection { 
many of which, though extending thousands of 
miles, are never disconnected from the one great 
terminus. 


74 


fFoaeta ano tforma of tpubllc BDDreaa 


Home: The centre of onr affections, around which 
our hearts’ best wishes twine. 

Home: A little sheltered hollow scooped out of the 
windy hill of the world. 

Home: A place where our stomachs get three good 
meals daily and our hearts a thousand. 

MISCELLANEOUS TOASTS 

These might be multiplied indefinitely, but a 
sufficient number are given to serve as hints to the 
person who is able to make his own toasts, yet seeks 
a little aid to lift him out of the common rut. 

Marriage: The happy estate which resembles a 
pair of shears; so joined that they cannot be sepa¬ 
rated ; often moving in opposite directions, yet 
always punishing any one who comes between, 
them. 

Marriage: The gate through w r hich the happy 
lover leaves his enchanted ground and returns from 
paradise to earth. 

Woman: The fairest work of the great Author; 
the edition is large, and no man should be without 
a copy. 

Woman: She needs no eulogy; she speaks for 
herself. 

Woman: The bitter half of man. (A sour bach¬ 
elor’s toast.) 


IToaste 


75 


Wedlock: May the single all be married and all 
the married be happy. Love to one, friendship to 
many, and good-will to all. 

The Lady we love and the Friend we trust. 

May we have the unspeakable good Fortune to win 
s- true heart, and the Merit to keep it. 

Friendship: May its bark never founder on the 
rocks of deception. 

Friendship: May its lamp ever be supplied by 
the oil of truth and fidelity. 

Unselfish Friendship: May we ever be able to 
Serve a friend, and noble enough to conceal it. 

Firm Friendship: May differences of opinion only 
cement it. 

May we have more and more Friends and Need 
them less and less. 

May our Friend in sorrow never be rt Sorrowing 
friend. 

Active Friendship: May the hinges of friendship 
never grow raflty* 

To our Friends: Whether absent on land or sea. 

Our Friends: May the present have no burdens 
for them and futurity no terrors. 

Our Friends: May we always have them and 
always know their value. 

Friends: May we be richer in their love than in 
wealth, and yet money be plenty. 


76 Coasts anO jforms of ipublfc HDOrcss 

A Friend: May we never want one to cheer U3. or 
a home to welcome him. 

Good Judgment: May opinions never float in the 
sea of ignorance. 

Careful Kindness: May we never crack a joke or 
break a reputation. 

Enduring Prudence: May the pleasures of youth 
never bring us pain in old age. 

Deliverance in Trouble: May the sunshine of hope 
dispel the clouds of calamity. 

Successful Suit: May we court and win all the 
Daughters of Fortune except the eldest—Miss For¬ 
tune. 

Here’s a Health to Detail, Retail, and Curtail-^ 
indeed, all the tails but tell-tales. 

The Coming Millennium: When great men are 
honest and honest men are great. 

Our Merchant: May he have good trade, well paid. 
May the Devil cut the toes of all our foes, 

That we may know them by their limping. 

May we Live to learn well and Learn to live welL 

A Placid Life: May we never murmur without 
cause, and never have cause to murmur. 

May we never lose our Bait when we Fish for com* 
pliments. 

A Better Distribution of Money: May Avarice lose 
his purse and Benevolence find it. 


'(Toasts 77 

May Care be a stranger and Serenity a familiar 
Mend to every honest heart. 

May Fortune recover her eyesight and be able to 
distribute her gifts more wisely and equally. 

May Bad Example never attract youthful minds. 

May Poverty never come to us without rich com¬ 
pensations and hope of a speedy departure. 

[/' Our Flag: The beautiful banner that represents the 
precious mettle of America. 

American Eagle, The: The liberty bird that per¬ 
mits no liberties. 

American Eagle, The: May she build her nest in 
every rock peak of this continent. 

American Valor: May no war require it, but may 
it be always ready for every foe. 

American People, The: May they live in peace and 
grow strong in the practice of every virtue. 

^ Our Native Land: May it ever be worthy of our 
heartiest love, and continue to draw it forth without 
stint. 

(A spread-eagle toast.) The Boundaries of Our 
Country: East, by the Rising Sun; north, by the 
North Pole; west, by all Creation; and south, by the 
Day of Judgment. 

Our Lakes and Rivers: Navigable waters that unite 
all the States and render the very thought of theii 
separation absurd. 


78 Coasts anO Jfornts ot public HDDress 


Our Sons and Daughters: May they be honest aa 
brave and modest as fair. 

^America and the World: May our nation ever en¬ 
joy the blessings of the widest liberty, and be ever 
ready to promote the liberties of mankind. 

Discontented Citizens: May they speedily leave 
their country for their country’s good. 

America: 

“ Our hearts, our hopes are all with thee, 

Our hearts, our hopes, our prayers, our tears, 
Our faith, triumphant o’er our fears, 

Are all with thee, are all with thee.” 

The Patriot: 

“ Breathes there a man with soul so dead, 

Who never to himself hath said, 

This is my own, my native land; 

Whose heart hath ne’er within him burned, 
As home his footsteps he hath turned 
From wandering on a foreign strand ?” 

Our Country: Whether bounded by Canada or 
xMexico,or however otherwise bounded and described; 
be the measurement more or less, still Our Country; 
to be cherished in our hearts and defended by our 
lives. 

Our Country: In our intercourse with foreign 


Coasts 


79 

nations may she always be in the right; and if not, 
may we ever be true patriots enough to get her into 
the right at any cost. 

Our Country: May we render due reverence and 
love t<s the common mother of us alL 

The Ship of State: 

“ Nail to the mast her holy flag; 

Set every threadbare sail; 

And give her to the God of Storms, 

The lightning and the gale.” 

Columbia: My country, with all thy faults, I love 
thee still. 

Webster’s Motto : Liberty and Union, now and for¬ 
ever, one and inseparable. 

True Patriotism: May every American be a good 
citizen in peace, a valiant soldier in war. 

Our Country : May our love of country be without 
bounds and without a shadow of fear. 

Our Statesmen : May they care less for party and 
tor personal ambition than for the nation’s welfare. 

Failure to Treason: May he who would destroy 
his country for a mess of pottage never get the 
pottage! 

The Penalty of Treason: May he who would up¬ 
root the tree of Liberty be the first one crushed by 

its fall. 

The Nation: May it know no North, no South, no 


80 


{Toasts and jForms of public BDDress 


East, no West, but only one broad, beautiful, glorious 
land. 

America: 

Dear Country, our thoughts are more constant to 
thee, 

Than the steel to the star and the stream to the sea. 

Our Revolutionary Fathers : May their sons never 
disgrace their parentage. 

Our Town: The best in the land; let him that 
don’t like it leave it. 

The Tree of Liberty : May every American citizen 
help cultivate it and eat freely of its fruit. 

The Emigrant: May the man that doesn’t love his 
native country speedily hie him to one that he can 
love. 

The American Eagle : It is not healthful to try to 
deposit salt on his venerable tail. 

California: The land of golden rocks and golden 
fruits. 

Ohio : The second Mother of Presidents. 

Vermont: A State of rocks, but producing men, 
women, maple sugar, and horses. 

“ The first are strong, the last are fleet, 

The second and third are exceedingly sweet, 
And all are uncommonly hard to beat.” 

Texas : The biggest of States, and one of the very 
best. 


Coasts 81 

New York: Unrivalled if numbers in city and State 
be the test. 

Our Navy: May it always be as anxious to pre¬ 
serve peace as to uphold the honor of the flag in 
war. 

Our Army: May it ever be very small in peace, but 
grow to mighty dimensions and mightier achievements 
in war. 

Our Country: May the form of liberty never be 
used to subvert the principles of true freedom. 

Our Voters : May they always have a standard to 
try their rulers by, and be quick to punish or reward 
justly. 

Fortune: A divinity to fools, a helper to wise 
men. 

The Present: Anticipation may be very agreeable, 
but participation is more practical. 

The Present Opportunity: We may lay in a stock 
of pleasures for use in memory, but they must be 
kept carefully to prevent mouldering. 

Philosophy: It may conquer past or present pain; 
but toothache, while it lasts, laughs at philosophy. 

Our Noble Selves: Why not toast ourselves and 
praise ourselves since we have the best means of 
knowing all the good in ourselves ? 

Charity: A link from the chain of gold that angels 
forge. 

a 


82 Coasts anO fforms of iPubltc BODress 

Our Harvests: May the sunshine of plenty dispe* 
the clouds of care. 

Virtue: May we have the wit to discover what is 
true and the fortitude to practice what is good. 

Our Firesides: Our heads may not be sharpened 
at colleges, but our hearts are graduates of the 
hearths. 

The True Medium: Give us good form, but not 
formality. 

The Excesses of Youth: They are heavy drafts 
upon old age, payable with compound interest about 
thirty years from date. 

The Best of Good Feeling: May we never feel 
want nor want feeling. 

Our Incomes: May we have a head to earn and 
hearts to spend. 

Forbearance: May we have keen wit, but never 
make a sword of our tongues to wound the reputa¬ 
tion of others. 

Wit: A cheap and nasty commodity when uttered 
at the expense of modesty and courtesy. 

Cheerfulness and Fortitude: May we never give 
way to melancholy, but always be merry at the right 
places. 

Generosity: May we all be as charitable and in¬ 
dulgent as the Khan of Tartary, who, when he has 
dined on milk and horseflesh, makes proclamation 


Xk^exe 83 

that all the kings and emperors of earth have now 
his gracious permission to dine. 

Economy: The daughter of Prudence, the sister 
at Temperance, and the parent of Independence. 

Fidelity and Forgiveness: May our injuries be 
written in sand and our gratitude for benefits in 
rock. 

A Good Memory: May it always be used as a store¬ 
house and never as a lumber-room. 

A Health to Our Dearest: May their purses always 
be heavy and their hearts always be light. 

The Noblest Qualities: Charity without ostentation 
and religion without bigotry. 

Discernment of Character: May Flattery never be 
permitted to sit in the parlor while Plain and Kindly 
Dealing is kicked out into the woodshed. 

False Friends: May we never have friends who, 
like shadows, keep close to us in the sunshine only 
to desert us in a cloudy day or in the night. 

A Competence: May we never want bread to make 
a toast or a good cook to prepare it. 

The Man we Love: He who thinks most good and 
speaks least ill of his neighbors. 

Human Nature as the Best Study: He who is 
learned in books alone may know how some things 
ought to be, but he who reads men learns how things 
ara 


84 Coasts ant) forms of public BODrcse 


Metaphysics the Noblest of the Sciences: “When 
a mon wha’ kens naething aboot ony subject, takes a 
subject that nae mon kens onything aboot and ex¬ 
plains it to anither mon still more ignorant—that’s 
Metaphysics.” 

The Deeds of Men: The best interpreters of theii 
motives. 

Love and Affection: The necessary basis for a 
happy life. 

Charity: A mantle of heavenly weaving used to 
cover the faults of our neighbors. 

Charitable Allowances: May our eyes be no keener 
when we look upon the faults of others than when 
we survey our own. 

Cheerful Courage: 

“ May this be our maxim whene’er we are twirled, 

A fig for the cares of this whirl-a-gig world.” 

A Golden Maxim: To err is human, to forgive 
divine. 

Prudence in Speech: The imprudent man reflects 
upon what he has said, the wise man upon what he 
is going to say. 

Thought and Speech: It is much safer to always 
think what we say than always to say what we think. 

Everybody: May no one now feel that he has been 
omitted. 

Fame : The great undertaker who pays little atten< 


Coasts 88 

Hon to the living but makes no end of parade over 
the dead. 

The Chatterbox: May he give U3 a few brilliant 
flashes of silence. 

Discretion in Speech: May we always remember 
the manner, the place, and the time. 

A Happy Future: May the best day we have seen 
be worse than the worst that is to come. 

HUMOROUS TOASTS. 

To a Fat Friend: May your shadow never grow 
less. 

May every Hair of your head be as a shining 
Candle to light you to glory. 

Long Life to our Friends: May the chicken never 
be hatched that will scratch on their graves. 

Confusion to the Early Bird: May it and the worm 
both be picked up. 

The Nimble Penny: May it soon grow into a dime 
and then swell into a dollar. 

To a Sovereign: not the kind that sits on a throne^ 
but the one that lies in our pocket. 

Our Land: May we live happy in it and never be 
sent out of it for our country’s good. 

Three Great Commanders: May we always be 
under the orders of General Peace, General Plenty, 
and General Prosperity, 


$6 tXoasts anb tforms of public BbDreea 

The Three Best Doctors: May Doctor Quiet, Doctor 
Diet, and Doctor Good Conscience ever keep us well. 

The Health of that wise and good Man who kept 
a Dog and yet did his own barking! 

Here’s to the health of-: The old bird that 

was not caught with chaff. 

The Health of those we Love the best; Our woble 
selves. 



MISCELLANEOUS ADDRESSES 


Every year new occasions arise that point to a new 
order of celebrations. Until recently there were no 
centennial celebrations. Once inaugurated these sug¬ 
gested semi-centennial and quarter-century ones, and 
as the country advanced in years there came the bi¬ 
centennial and ter-centennial. And the attention of 
the civilized globe was called to our fourth-centen¬ 
nial by the unrivalled and wonderful display at the 
World’s Exhibition in Chicago. 

In this chapter are given outlines of a miscellane¬ 
ous character, some original and some selected. 

OUTLINE OF CHAUNCEY M. DePEW’s ADDRESS AT THE 
CENTENNIAL OF CAPTURE OF ANDRE 

This is a good model for the semi-centennial or 
centennial of any noted event. 

Being in the open air the speaker referred to the 
grand scenery, almost the same as one hundred years 
before. 

Effect on the nation’s heart of such Revolutionary 
commemorations. 


87 



88 Coasts anO 3forms of public BbDress 

Small events influence the currents of history. 
Thermopylae and its 300; the three 'plain farmers who 
preserved American liberty. 

The orator then sketched compactly but vividly 
the critical situation of 1780, and tells at length the 
story of Arnold’s treason, its frustration by the cap¬ 
ture of Andr6 and his pathetic fate. This “ one 
romance of the Revolution ” is a thrilling tale, and all 
adornment is given to it. The account of the struggle 
to save Andre’s life gives the interest of controversy, 
as does the defense of Washington’s course. The 
anecdote and the illustrative parallel are both 
supplied by the case of Captain Nathan Halq 
executed by the English as an American spy. 
The address closes with a fitting tribute to Andre’s 
three captors, whose modest monument marked 
the spot, and a very effective quotation of William 
of Orange’s heroic oath at his coronation, “I will 
maintain.” 

OUTLINE OF SPEECH BY GOVERNOR FORAKER AT THE 
DEDICATION OF OHIO’S MONUMENT TO THE 
ANDREWS RAIDERS, AT CHATTANOOGA 

Why this monument and this dedication. The 
story of the raid, the suffering of the raiders, and 
heroism of those who died. 

The controversial part covered two points—the 


/BMscellaneous Bfc&resses 


89 


military value of the raid, and the manner in which 
the raiders had been treated by the enemy while 
prisoners. 

The illustrative setting was the historic back¬ 
ground of Chattanooga and the contrasts of war and 
peace. 

OUTLINE OF ADDRESS BY CHAUNCEY M. DePEW AT 
DINNER ON THE 70tH BIRTHDAY OF JOHN JAY 

Not on the programme—pleasantry with Mr. Choate 
(President) about his railroad fees. Mr. Choate 
wants it made the rule for all ex-presidents of the 
club to have a dinner on their 70th birthday. This 
will help them to live at least that long, as Gladstone 
and Bismarck, when they had an object, have lived 
on in spite of the doctors! 

Depew, a native of the same county as three gei> 
erations of Jays. Service® of the Revolutionary 
Jay. 

The Anecdote .—General Sherman yesterday told a 
beautiful young girl—Generals always interested in 
beautiful young girls—that he would be willing to 
throw away all he was doing or had done to start at 
her time of life again. But the nation could not 
permit that, nor could it in the case of John Jay—• 
closing words of tribute and esteem to the guest of 
the evening. 


90 Coasts anb tforms of H>ubUc a&bress 

OUTLINE OF ADDRESS BY ClIAUNCEY M. DePEW AT 
THE RECEPTION TO HENRY M. STANLEY 
BY THE LOTUS CLUB 

The speaker jests about his own locks whitened 
by the cares of railroading, and the raven hair of the 
reporters—where do they get their dye? 

Stanley’s lecture fee, $250.—Lotus Club gets one 
for only the price of a dinner! 

Stanley a great artist in his descriptions as well as 
a great traveler. 

Americans a nation of travelers.—This makes rail¬ 
roads prosperous! What some reporters have done. 

The motive makes heroism.—Livingstone the mis¬ 
sionary—his rescue by Stanley. 

The civilized Africa of the future with Stanley for 
its Columbus. 

SPEECHES AT A DINNER GIVEN TO THE RELIGIOUS PRESS 

Toast.—“ The Religious Press and Literature.” 

First, what are sound views of literature; second, 
what is a religious paper ? The speaker used two 
illustrations bound in one. A great book is the 
Nilometer which measures intellectual life as the 
original Nilometer measured the life and fertility of 
the land of Egypt. A description of the rise of the 
Nile and of the Divine Comedy of Dante, as such 


iBMscellaneous Bfcfcreuses 


91 


a measurer of the life of the Middle Ages, made up 
the speech. 

Toast.—“ Religious Press and Questions of the 
Bay.” 

Eternity begins here. The paper must show on 
which side of any question the right lies. It should 
go even further than this. It should cover a wider 
range of topics and aim to secure the attention of the 
general public to the questions it discusses and so 
entitle it to circulate more widely. 

Toast.—“ Should Religious Papers Make Money ?* J 

If I may make the paying papers, anybody may 
make the others. Money losing—soon comes, hicjacet. 
Money making proves usefulness and renders the 
issue of a paper possible. Letter from the oldest 
editor of New York in which he says the editor is 
under life sentence to hard labor. 

Toast.—“ The Religious Paper and Scholarship.” 

He laments that he has no letter from an editor to 
read (like the last speaker), and tells a story of a 
Methodist, on request, praying for rain; and when a 
terrible storm came, the man who asked, was heard 
to murmur: “ How these Methodists do exaggerate.” 
This was to show the excellence of the dinner. Two 
other stories were used by the speaker, about the 
length and discursiveness of his talk. The people 
need and will read deep, accurate, and scholarly 


92 


Coasts and forme of pubUc B&Dresa 


productions. There ought to be a general paper 
for such. Something has been done in that direction 
by two religious papers. 

The speaker treated his topic by giving a semi- 
humorous review of the preceding speeches. He 
showed how denominational traits affected each item 
in the work of the paper. He did not make just the 
kind of a paper he liked best, for some people w T ere 
of the same taste as Artemus Ward, who always 
ordered hash at a restaurant, because he then knew 
what he was getting! The speaker also referred 
ironically to the mistaken idea that church papers 
could not pay, and gave striking instances to the 
contrary. He concluded that denominational papers 
may be as successful in their line as those purely 
undenominational and independent. 

RESPONSE TO THE TOAST, 

“The Navy : Our Country’s Best Wall op 

0 

Defense ” 

1. The disasters which different ports of our coum 
try have experienced from invading forces during 
three great wars. No foe now on this continent w r hich 
we need fear—our enemies, if any, will come by 
sea. 

2. The defense by fortified harbors cannot be re¬ 
lied on, for when one place is defended another ma*y 


/BMsceUatteous BDDresses 


9a 


be attacked, and the coast-line is so great that an un¬ 
guarded spot may be found. But our glorious navy 
will seek the foe at any and every point. 

3. Past glory of the Navy. Paul Jones in the 
Revolutionary War singeing John Bull’s beard at 
his own fireside. 1812. The ships of iron that kept 
the Confederate States engirdled and forbade outside 
meddling with domestic troubles. 

4. The Navy, by showing the world that we are 
impregnable, should be the best promoter of a solid 
peace. 

RESPONSE TO THE TOAST, 

“ General Jackson : A Diamond in the Rough, 

but a Diamond” 

1. The hero of New Orleans, though rough, was a 
strong and great man. Stories about him always 
popular. His indorsing State papers “ 0. K.” when 
he approved them, and saying that these letters 
meant “ oil Jcorrect” The victor and the spoils. 

2. His connection with great questions, such as the 
currency and nullification. Popularity with his own 
party. 

3. Proved to be a great commander by the manner 
in which he used his very slender resources at the 
battle of New Orleans—the backwoods riflemen and 
the breastworks of cotton. 


94 


Coasts arid forms of IPuWtc BDOree® 


RESPONSE TO THE TOAST, 

*The Working Man: May He Love His Work 
and Have Plenty of It, with Good 
Wages Promptly Paid ” 

1. For a healthy man a reasonable amount of work 
is no misfortune, but a blessing. Idleness is a curse, 
and leads to all kinds of evil. (See story in Anec¬ 
dote No. 21 at end of this volume—of the tramp 
who earned seventy-five cents and quit work because 
he feared that he could not bear the curse of riches! 
Not many of us have this kind of fear.) 

2. Toil with pen and brain as real, and may be as 
exhausting as with the hand and foot. 

3. But to defraud a workman of one cen4 of his 
earnings is a peculiarly atrocious crime. How this 
may be done indirectly. All persons who believe in 
this toast should deal justly and fairly, and try to 
hold ethers to the same rule. 

4. The true workman wants work and fair play; 
not patronage and flattery, but sympathy and friend¬ 
ship. 

a nominating speech 

The great conventions that nominate candidates 
for the Presidency of the United States furnish ex* 
amples on the largest scale of the nominating speech, 


flfctecellaneous BDOresses 


93 

But officers of societies of almost any character may 
be nominated in addresses that are very similar 
The following outline of a speech of general charac¬ 
ter may be easily modified to suit any case in which 
such help is desired. 

Mr. Chairman: It gives me great pleasure to place 
before you, the name of a candidate who is so well 
qualified and so fully deserving of this honor, and of 
every other, that may be conferred upon him, as 

-. In giving him your votes, you can make 

no mistake. [Here state previous offices held, or 
trusts filled, or other evidences of fitness for the post 
in view.] In addition, I am happy to state that he 
represents [here name locality, section, class, or 
opinion, being careful to adduce only those which 
will be pleasing to the persons whose votes are 
sought.] On his behalf, I can promise faithful serv- 
ice, and the prompt discharge of every duty. Others 
may have as much zeal for the cause: some may 
have as long a training for the duties of this office j 
a few may possibly have as legitimate a claim upon 
any honors or rewards in your gift, but where else 
can you find such a combination of claims ? 

The illustrative anecdote will naturally be of the 
candidate himself, of his popularity, availability, oi 
other good quality, or of some person or element 
strongly supporting him. 



96 Coaata and jfcrma ot public BDDr cm 


8PEECH ACCEPTING A NOMINATION 

1. An honor of which any man must be deeply 
sensible as well as proud. The importance or high 
character of the body making the nomination. 

£. The degree of surprise felt that the candidate 
Should be preferred to so many worthy competitors. 
VV hy the honor is especially prized, and the reasons, 
If any; why the candidate would have preferred a 
different selection. 

3. The motives which make him willing to bear 
the burdens entailed by this nomination. 

4. The hope of being able to support his com¬ 
petitors for other offices, or other terms of this 
office. 

5. With all his sense of unworthiness, the candi¬ 

date dares not set up his judgment against that of 
the honorable body which has named him, for the 
office of-, and he therefore bows to their deci¬ 

sion and gratefully accepts the [unexpected ?] honor 
conferred upon him. Should the people—not for 
his sake, but for the sake of the cause represented—. 
have the intelligence and good judgment [of which 
there is not a shadow of doubt?] to indorse the 
nomination, he will exert all the power he pos¬ 
sesses, to faithfully fill the position their choice has 
bestowed upon him. 




iSMscellaneoua BDOresses 


91 


SPEECH IN A POLITICAL CANVASS 

No form of speech is so easy as a political address 
in a hot campaign. The people know enough of the 
general argument in advance, to appreciate a strong 
statement of it, or the addition of new items. They 
already have much of that interest in the theme 
that other classes of speakers must first seek to 
arouse. The tyro makes his feeble beginnings in the 
sparsely settled portions of the country, but the pol¬ 
ished orator is welcomed by large audiences at the 
centres of population, and wins money, fame, and 
possibly a high office. Americans have many oppor¬ 
tunities of hearing good speeches of this character, 
and not only become competent judges, but learn to 
emulate such examples. 

1. A bright story, a personal incident, a local “ hit,” 
or, best of all, a quick, shrewd caricature of some 
feature of the opposing party, will gain attention 
and half win the battle. A speaker was once called 
upon to make an address after a political opponent 
had taken his seat. This man at one time strongly 
indorsed a measure to which his own party was 
bitterly opposed. The measure was defeated not¬ 
withstanding his opposition, and he was obliged to 
sanction his party’s action. The audience being 
familiar with this, the speaker referred to it by saying; 
7 


98 Coasts and 3forme of public BODress 

“Oh! he approves, does he! Imagine a mule, 
kicked, cuffed, pounded, and dragged across a road, 
bracing himself at every step, but forced over at last 
and tied to a post; then imagine that mule straighten* 
ing himself up and saying , 1 Thank Heaven,we crossed 
that road, didn’t we ?’ It was difficult to move the 
jnule, he was obstinate, but it made no difference. 
My opponent was obstinate too, but what did it 
avail!” 

2. The criticism of our opponents’ platform or 
principles. Their fallacies, mistakes, and mis* 
representations. 

3. Their history. How they have carried out all 
their bad and dangerous doctrines, but have slurred 
over and allowed to drop out of sight their promises 
of good. 

4. The contrast. Plain statement [and there is 
nothing more effective in a speech than a plain, 
clear, and condensed statement] of the opposing 
issues. 

5. The man. [The personal element in a canvass 
nearly always overshadows political doctrine, except 
when a new party or new measure is rising into 
prominence.] Our men brilliant, able, safe. Our 
opponents the opposite. [Public character only 
should be criticized. Gossip, scandal, slander are 
abominable, and seldom well received by any audk 


/Miscellaneous BbDresses 


99 


ence. Poison, the assassin’s dagger, and the spread¬ 
ing of infamous stories do not belong to honorable 
warfare.] 

SPEECH AFTER A POLITICAL VICTORY. SELECTED 

1. We are masters of the field. Completeness of 
victory [told in military language]. 

2. Sympathy for the defeated. We will treat their 
leaders with Good Samaritan generosity, but we in¬ 
vite the rank and file to enlist with us, unless they 
prefer to go home and pray for better luck next time. 

3. Only by joining us can they get a nibble at the 
spoils. Probably they will, for many of them are 
men of seven principles—five loaves and two fishes. 
The “ cohesive power of public plunder.” 

4. We must not be careless after victory, but reor¬ 
ganize, be vigilant, keep our powder dry. The “ outs ” 
are hungry, and an enemy will fight terribly for 
rations. “ Brag is a good dog, but Holdfast is a bet¬ 
ter.” 

5. Now let us all rejoice over the defeat of a party 
many of whose members we respect personally, but 
which, as a whole, we regard as an immense nuisance. 

SPEECH AFTER A POLITICAL DEFEAT. SELECTED 

My Political Brethren: You seem to be in the 
dumps! Don’t like the figures; wish they were a 


100 Coasts an& jform s ot public BbDress 

cunningly devised fable. How did it happen t 
Big vote and intolerable cheating cooked our goose. 
But we are india-rubber and steel springs, and nc 
amount of hard usage can take the fight out of us. 

Let our opponents laugh! We are not savage 
—would not hurt a hair of their heads personally, 
but politically will skin them alive next time. But 
we prefer to convert them, and hope they will hear 
our speakers as often as possible before the next 
election. 

A chairman’s or president’s speech 

At a public meeting some one interested in the 
object for which it has convened calls the assembly 
to order. After securing attention he proposes the 
name of some person as chairman or president. 
When the nomination is seconded he takes the vote 
and announces the election. It will then be in order 
for the person chosen to take a position facing the 
assembly and to make a brief speech. 

“ Ladies and Gentlemen: I have no wish to dis¬ 
parage your judgment, although I think it might 
have been exercised to better advantage by electing 
some of the able persons I see before me. But I 
thank you for this honor, which I appreciate the 
more highly and accept the more readily because of 
my deep interest in the question of --, which ia 



miscellaneous SOOressee> 


101 


now before us. First, however, please nominate a 
secretary.” 

When, however, the president or chairman elected 
k himself a prime mover in the business for which 
the meeting is called, it will be perfectly proper for 
him to extend his speech, upon accepting the chair, 
oy stating clearly but briefly th« object of the meet¬ 
ing ; or, if he prefers, he may ask some one in whose 
powers of plausible and persuasive statement he has 
confidence to do this in his place. Formal argu¬ 
ment is not advisable in the opening speech; but 
the best argument consists in giving a compact state¬ 
ment and ample information. In this way the cause 
may be half won by the chairman’s speech or the 
speech of his proxy. 

A GENERAL OUTLINE FOR ALL OCCASIONS 

The Introduction. The speaker’s modesty or ina¬ 
bility, the lateness of the hour, the merit of preced¬ 
ing speeches, the literary treats that are to follow, 
the character of the dinner, personal allusion to the 
president or to the audience —but not all of these in one 
address. 

The Discussion. Here refer to the toast or theme- 
be sure to put in a humorous anecdote. Make it as 
appropriate as possible, but don’t fail to bring it in. 
Het up a short controversy: set up a man of straw 


102 (Eoa 0 t 0 anD ifotms of public BDDresa 


if you can find nobody else, and then make an on* 
slaught upon him; but be sure he has no friends in the 
audience 1 

Conclusion. A graceful compliment to some one, 
a reference to an expected speaker, or a word indi¬ 
cating the part of your subject of which you will 
not treat, or give a very quick summary of what you 
have already said. 


ILLUSTRATIVE AND HUMOROUS 
ANECDOTES 


With a number of the following anecdotes a few 
suggestions are given as to the manner in which 
they may be used. The habit of thinking how a 
good story may be brought into an address should 
be formed, after which these hints will be superflu¬ 
ous. At the outset they may help to form the habit. 

1. Independence of a Monopoly 

[A good illustration of complete independence. 
It can be used as a humorous description of a monop¬ 
oly or as a compliment to a man who has complete 
control of his own affairs.] 

An inquisitive passenger on a railroad recently^ 
had the following dialogue: 

“ Do you use the block system on this road ?” in¬ 
quired the passenger. 

“ No, sir,” replied the conductor,’ “ we have no us* 
for it.” 

“ Do you use the electric or pneumatic signals ?” 

“ No, sir.” 


103 



(04 leasts and forme of public BOOteee 


« Have you a double track ?” 

« No.” 

a Well, of course, you have a train dispatcher, and 
run all trains by telegraph ?” 

« No.” 

u I see you have no brakeman. How do you flag 
the rear of your train if you are stopped from any 
cause between stations ?” 

“ We don’t flag.” 

“ Indeed! What a way to run a railroad! A man 
takes his life in his hand when he rides on it. This 
is criminally reckless!” 

“ See here, mister! If you don’t like this railroad 
vou can get off and walk. I am president of this 
road and its sole owner. I am also board of di¬ 
rectors, treasurer, secretary, general manager, super¬ 
intendent, paymaster, trackmaster, general passenger 
agent, general freight agent, master mechanic, ticket 
agent, conductor, brakeman, and boss. This is the 
Great Western Railroad of Kentucky, six miles long, 
with termini at Harrodsburg and Harrodsburg Junc¬ 
tion. This is the only train on the road of any 
fcind, and ahead of us is the only engine. We never 
have collisions. The engineer does his own firing, 
and runs the repair shop and round-house all by 
himself. He and I run this railway. It keeps 

pretty busy, but we’ve always got time to stop 


Illustrative an& Ibumorous BitecOotes 10$ 


rnd eject a sassy passenger. So you want to behave 
yourself and go through with us, or you will have 
your baggage set off here by the haystack l” 

2. Explanation 

[To ridicule extravagant explanations that do not 
explain—or unreasonable pretensions to antiquity.] 
An old Scotch lady, who had no relish for mod¬ 
em church music, was expressing her dislike to the 
singing of an anthem in her own church one day, 
when a neighbor said: “ Why, that is a very old 
anthem ! David sang that anthem to Saul.” To 
this the old lady replied: “Weel, weel! I noo for 
the first time understan’ why Saul threw his javelin 
at David when the lad sang for him.” 

3. Riding a Hobby 

[To illustrate hobby-riding—very appropriate 
where many toasts and speeches run in one line.] 

/ boy in Buffalo, N. Y., who was asked to write 
out what he considered an ideal holiday dinner 
evolved the following: 

Furst Corse. 

Mince pie. 

Second Corse. 

Pumpkin pie and turkey.. 


106 ttoasta anO jforma of'public aobrcos 


Third Corse. 

Lemon pie, turkey, and cranberries. 

Fourth Corse. 

Custard pie, apple pie, chocolate cake and plum 

pudding. 

Dessert. 

Pie. 

4. Hobson’s Choice 

[Suitable caricature for any one who tries to 
make merit of doing what he cannot help.] 

“ If my employer does not retract what he said to 
me this morning I shall leave his store.” “ Why, 
what did he say ?” “ He told me to look for another 
place.” 

5. When to be Silent 

[A silent guest might tell this to show that he 
had found a way to be of greatest service at a ban% 
quet.] 

Mrs. Penfield—“ My husband has found a way by 
which he says I am of the greatest help to him in 
his literary work.” 

Mrs. Hillaire—“ How nice that must be for you, 
my dear! But how are you able to do it?” 

Mrs. Penfield—“ As soon as I see him at his desk 
{ go into another room and keep perfectly quiet 
until he has finished.” 


Illustrative anD Bumorous BnecDotea 10? 


6. Paying for Your Whistle 

[Would be a good answer to one who gave a com* 
pliment, and tried in that way to shove off a speech 
or other duty upon the one complimented.] 

McSwatters—•“ It’s very funny.” 

Mrs. McSwatters—“ What is ?” 

McSwatters—“ Why, when the doctor treats me I 
always have to pay for it.” 

7. Goose-Chase 

[Would come in well after several had declined to 
apeak, the goose being the one who finally consents 
and tells the story.] 

A lady had been looking for a friend for a long 
time without success. Finally, she came upon her 
in an unexpected way. “ Well,” she exclaimed, 
“ I’ve been on a perfect wild-goose chase all day 
long, but, thank goodness, I’ve found you at last.” 

8. The Perplexed Sage 

[To show that the chairman may safely confide 
in his own power to manage such poor material 
as the person who tells the story assumes himself 
to be.] 

“And now what i3 it?” asked the sage, as the 
young man timidly approached. “ Pray, tell me/ 


108 Coasts anfc aforms of public BDbrcss 


asked the youth, “ does a woman marry a man be< 
cause of her confidence in the man, or because of 
her confidence in her ability to manage him?’’ For 
once the sage had to take the question under ad¬ 
visement. 


9. Quick Thought 

[The following illustrates the advantages of a 
happy retort, the importance of a felicitous phrase, 
or of quick thought and ready speech. It might be 
said that the preceding speaker was as ready as:] 

/ When Napoleon (then a student at Brienne) was 
asked how he would supply himself with provisions 
in a closely-invested town, he answered, without a 
moment’s hesitation, “ From the enemy,” which so 
pleased the examiners that they passed him without 
further questions. 

10. [The Russian General Suvaroff is said to have 
promoted one of his sergeants for giving substan¬ 
tially the same answer.] 

The Emperor Paul, of Russia, was so provoked by 
the awkwardness of an officer on review that he or¬ 
dered him to resign at once and retire to his 
estate. “ But he has no estate,” the commander vem 
tured. “ Then give him one!” thundered the despot, 
whose word was law, and the man gained more by 


Illustrative anfc Ibumorous Bnecdetes 109 


his blunders than li« could have done by years of the 
most skillful service. 

11. [The anger of an actor took the same turn as 
that of the Czar.] 

Colley Cibber once missed his “ cue,” and the con¬ 
fusion that followed spoiled the best passage of Bet¬ 
terton, who was manager as well as actor. He rushed 
behind the scenes in a towering passion, and ex¬ 
claimed, “ Forfeit, Master Colley; you shall be fined 
for such stupidity!” “ It can’t be done,” said a fel¬ 

low-actor, “ for he gets no salary.” “ Put him down 
for ten shillings a week and fine him five 1” cried the 
furious manager. 

12. Insignificant Things 

[The need of accuracy, or how insignificant things 
sometimes change the meaning, is shown by the fol¬ 
lowing.] 

A merchant of London wrote his East India factor 
to send him 2 or 3 apes; but he forgot to write the 
u r » j n u or 55 an( j £p e f ac t or wrote that he had sent 
80, and would send the remainder of the 2 0 3 as 
soon as they could be gathered in. 

13. A very well-known writer had a similar expo* 
rience. He was selling copies of his first literary 


110 Hoagts and fforms of public aODress 

venture, and telegraphed to the publisher to send* 
him “ three hundred books at once.” He answered; 
“ Shall I send them on an emigrant train, or must 
they go first-class ? Had to scour the city over to 
get them. You must be going into the hotel busi¬ 
ness on a great scale to need so many Cooks.” I 
was bewildered; but all was explained w r hen a copy 
of the dispatch showed that the telegraph clerk had 
mistaken the small “ b ” for a capital “ C.” 

14. Making an Excuse; or, Johnny Peep 

[A guest pleading to be excused from a speech or 
a song might say that he wanted to be accounted as 
“ Johnny Peep ” in the following story which Allan 
Cunningham tells of Robert Burns.] 

Strolling one day in Cumberland the poet lost his 
friends, and thinking to find them at a certain tavern 
he popped his head in at the door. Seeing no one 
there but three strangers, he apologized, and was 
about to retire, when one of the strangers called out, 
“ Come in, Johnny Peep.” This invitation the con¬ 
vivial poet readily accepted, and spent a very pleas¬ 
ant time with his newly-found companions. As the 
conversation began to flag, it was proposed that each 
should write a verse, and place it, together with two- 
and-six pence, under the candlestick, the best poet 
to take the half-crowns, while the unsuccessful 


Illustrative anO humorous BnecDotes ill 


rhymers were to settle the bill among them. Ac¬ 
cording to Cunningham, Burns obtained the stakes 
by writing: 

“Here am I, Johnny Peep; 

I saw three sheep, 

And these three sheep saw me. 
Half-a-crown apiece 
Will pay for their fleece, 

And so Johnny Peep goes free.” 

15. Stern Logic 

[Probably this boy would have seen the necessity 
of avoiding such rich banquets as this.] 

“ Say, ma, do they play base-ball in heaven ?” 

“ Why, no, my dear; of course not. Why do you 
ask?” 

“ Huh ! Well, you don’t catch me being good and 
dying young then; that’s all.” 

16. Mistaken Brevity 

[“ Brevity is the soul of witand calculation and 
economy are very commendable; but they may be 
carried to extremes. This may be used when the 
last speaker has closed a little abruptly.] 

This is the message the telegraph messenger 


112 (Toasts anD tfotme ot public Boores® 


handed a young man from his betrothed * Com# 
down as soon as you can; I am dying. Kate.” 

Eight hours later he arrived at the summer hotel, 
'to be met on the piazza by Kate herself. 

“ Why, what did you mean by sending me such 
a message?” he asked. 

** Oh!” she gurgled, “ I wanted to say that I was 
dying to see you, but my ten words ran out, and l 
had to stop.” 

17. Charity Begins at Homb 

Breslau, a celebrated juggler, being at Canterbury 
with his troupe, met with such bad success that they 
were almost starved. He repaired to the church 
wardens, and promised to give a night’s takings to 
the poor if the parish would pay for hiring a room, 
etc. The charitable bait took, the benefit proved a 
bumper, and the next morning the church wardens 
waited upon the wizard to touch the receipts. “ I 
have already disposed of dem,” said Breslau; “ de 
profits were for de poor. I have kept my promise, 
and given de money to my own people, who are de 
poorest in dis parish I” 

" Sir l” exclaimed the church wardens, “ this is a 
trick.” 

I know it,” replied the conjurer; “ I live by my 

tricks.” 


Illustrative ano Ibumorous anecdotes na 


18 . Charity; or, a Good Word for Every 


One—even the Devil. 


[It is well to feel charitably and kindly at all 
times, but especially at a dinner party.] 

A friend said to a Scotchman who was celebrated 
for possessing these amiable qualities, “ I believe you 
would actually find something to admire in Satan 
himself.” The canny Scot replied, “ Ah! weel, weel, 
we must a’ admit that aula Nick has great energy 
and perseverance.” 

[If the chairman has been very persistent in call* 
lng out reluctant speakers, the foregoing would be a 
good story to turn the laugh upon him.] 


% 

19. Ingenious Reason 



[The Scotchman referred to in the last anecdote 
was as ingenious in finding a reason as the boy men* 
tioned in the following:] 

“ Can you suggest any reason why I should print 
your poem ?” said the overbearing editor. 

The dismal youth looked thoughtful, and then re- 
plied: 

“ You know I always inclose a stamp for the re* 
turn of rejected manuscript?” 

“ Yes.” 

u Well, if you print it you can keep the stamp.” 


8 


114 Coasts anD fforms ot public SDDrea* 

20. Ambiguity of Words 

(The equivocal use of words in our language.] 

Recently a west-bound train on the Fitchburg 
(Mass.) Railroad had just left the town of Athol 
when the conductor noticed among the new passen¬ 
gers a young man of intelligent appearance. Ha 
asked for the young man’s fare, and the latter handed 
him a ticket to Miller’s Falls and with it a cent. For 
a moment the conductor suspected a joke, but a look 
at the passenger’s face convinced him to the con¬ 
trary. 

“What is this cent for?” the conductor asked. 

“Why, I see,” answered the young fellow, u that 
the ticket isn’t good unless it is stamped, and 
as I don’t happen to have a stamp with me I give 
you the cent instead. You can put it on, can’t 
you ?” 

The good-natured conductor handed back the 
( Coin with a smile, remarking that it was a small 
matter, and he would see that it was all right. 

21. Useless Regret 

[Persons who pretend to regret something without 
making a real effort to better it are hit off by this 
anecdote.] 

A father called his son rather late in the morning, 
tad finding him still abed, indignantly demanded j 


tflluetrattve anD Ibumorous BnecDotcs 115 


“Are you not ashamed to be caught asleep this time 

day ?” 

“ Yes, lather,” returned the ingenious youth, “ but 

I’d rutlier be ashamed than git up.” 

. / 

22. No Happiness in Wealth 

[The great advantage of being fully adapted to 
one’s situation and contented with it.] 

There are people who cannot hold their heads 
ander the influence of sudden riches. They imme~ 
diately begin to degenerate. They have become so 
nsed to humble circumstances that wealth is a curse. 
Here is a case: 

A tramp, for some mysterious reason, had ac« 
uepted an offer to work about the place, for which he 
was to receive his meals, sundry old clothes, and 
25 cents a day in cash. For the first two or three 
days he did very well, and he was paid 50 cents 
on account. He did not spend the money, but he 
began to grow listless and sad, and at the end of the 
week he interviewed his employer. 

“ You’ve been very kind to me, sir,” he said, “ and 
I want to thank you for what you have done.” 

“ That’s all right,” was the reply. “ I’m glad to be 
able to help you.” 

I know that, sir, and I appreciate it, but I shall 
have to give it all up sir ”. 


116 Coasts ano $orms of public BbDress 


u Whafs that for? Don’t I pay you enough?” 

“Oh! yes, sir; that isn’t it. I have 75 cents left, 
sir, but I find that money doesn’t bring happiness, 
sir, and I guess I’ll resign and go back to the old 
ways, sir. Wealth is a curse to some people, sir, and 
I fancy I belong to that class. Good-bye, sir.” And 
he shambled off down the path and struck the high¬ 
way. 

23. Short but Pointed 

[Splendid for a speaker called up rather late in the 
evening—even if he should make a short speech 
afterward.] 

Being nobody in particular, a Mr. Bailey was 
placed last on the list of the speakers. The chair¬ 
man introduced several speakers whose names were 
not on the list, and the audience were tired out 
when he said, “ Mr. Bailey will now give you his 
address.” 

“ My address,” said Mr. Bailey, rising, “ is No. 45 
Loughboro Park, Brixton Road, and I wish you ah 
good night.” 


24. Reasoning in a Circle 

[This is very common, as in the case of the heroine 
of this story.] 

The director of a Chicago bank tells how his wife 


Illustrative anD Ibumorous BnecDotes 117 


overdrew her account at the bank one day last month. 
“ I spoke to her about it one evening,” said he, “ and 
told her she ought to adjust it at once. A day or two 
afterward I asked her if she had done what I sug¬ 
gested. ‘ Oh ! yes,’ she answered. 4 1 attended to 
that matter the very next morning after you spoke 
about it. I sent the bank my check for the amount 
I had overdrawn.’ ” 

25. Extreme Economy 

[Economy is a great virtue, but it should not be ex¬ 
treme.] 

An old lady of Massachusetts was famed in her 
native township for health and thrift. To an acquaint¬ 
ance who was once congratulating her upon the former 
she said: 

“ We be pretty well for old folks, Josiah and me. 
Josiah hasn’t had an ailin’ time for fifty years, ’cept 
last winter. And I ain’t never suffered but one day 
in my life, and that was when I took some of the 
medicine Josiah had left over, so’s how it shouldn’t 
be wasted.” 


26. Sensible to the Last 

[How we commend those who take our standards 
and help us.] 

A story is told of a late Dublin doctor, famous foi 


118 Coasts anO jforms ot public BODress 

his skill and also his great love of money. He had 
a constant and profitable patient in an old shop¬ 
keeper in Dame Street. This old lady was terribly 
rheumatic and unable to leave her sofa. During the 
doctor’s visit she kept a £1 note in her hand, which 
duly went into Dr. C.’s pocket. One morning he 
found her lying dead on the sofa. Sighing deeply, 
the doctor approached, and taking her hand in hi3, 
he saw the fingers closed on his fee. “ Poor thing,” 
he said as he pocketed it, “ sensible to the last.” 

27. Fishing for a Compliment 

[Fishing for compliments is sometimes dangerous.] 

A well-known Congressman, who was a farmer 
before he went into politics, was doing his district 
not long ago, and in his rambles he saw a man in a 
stumpy patch of ground trying to get a plow through 
it. He went over to him, and after a brief salutation 
he asked the privilege of making a turn or two with 
the plow. The native shook his head doubtfully as 
he looked at his visitor’s store clothes and general 
air of gentleman of elegant leisure, but he let him 
take the plow. The Congressman sailed away with 
it in fine style, and plowed four or five furrows before 
the owner of the field could recover his surprise. 
Then he pulled up and landed the handles over tc 
the original holder. 


illustrative anfc Ibumorous BnecOotes 119 

u By gravy, mister,’’ said the farmer, admiringly, 
M air you in the aggercultural business ?” 

“ No,” laughed the statesman. 

“ Y’ain’t selling plows ?” 

“ No.” 

“ Then what in thunder air you?” 

“ I’m the member of Congress from this district.” 

“Air you the man I voted for and that I’ve been 
reading about in the papers doin’ legislatin’ and sich 
in Washington?” 

“ Yes.” 

“ Well, by hokey, mister,” said the farmer, as he 
looked with admiration over the recently-plowed 
furrows, “ ef I’d a had any idea that I was votin’ fer 
a waste of sich good farmin’ material I’d voted fer the 
other candidate as shore as shootin’.” 

28. Beyond Expression 

[When called on for a speech one may answer the 
chairman in the words of this lady:] 

She was in her room when some people came to 
call. Her husband received the company, and after 
awhile said to his daughter, who was playing about 
the room: 

“ Go up-stairs and tell your mamma that Mr. and 
Mrs. Blank have come to call.” 

The child went, and after a while returned and 
began to play again. 


120 Coasts attfc jforms of public BODtess 


i( Did you tell your mamma that Mr. and Mra, 
Blank are here?” asked the father. 

“ Oh! yes.” 

u And what did she say ?” 

The little girl looked up, and after a momenta 
hesitation, exclaimed: 

“ She said—well, she said, ‘ 0 dear 1* ” 

29. The Toast of the Evening 

[Tlie comment upon this incident by the editor is 
not less amusing than the speech.] 

It is not always a pleasant thing to be called upon 
suddenly to address a public meeting of any sort, as 
is amusingly illustrated by the following speech at 
the opening of a free hospital by one who was cer- 
tainiy not born an orator: 

“ Gentlemen—ahem—I—I—I rise to say—that is, 
I wish to propose a toast, which I think you’ll all 
*ay—ahem—I think, at least, that this toast is, as 
fou’ll say, the toast of the occasion. Gentlemen, I 
belong to a good many of these things, and I say, 
gentlemen, that this hospital requires no patronage 
—at least, what I mean is, you don’t want any recom 
mendation. You’ve only got to be ill—got to be ill. 

“ Now, gentlemen, I find by the report ” (turning 
over the leaves in a fidgety way) “ that from the yea! 
seventeen—no eighteen—no, ah, yes, I’m right— 


tflluetrattve artfc Ifoumorous BnecDotea 121 


eighteen hundred and fifty—no, it’s a ‘ 3 ’-—thirty- 
six—eighteen hundred and thirty-six, no less than 
one hundred and ninety-three millions—no I ah!” 
(to a committeeman at his side) “Eh? oh, yes, 
thank you—yes—one hundred and ninety-three 
thousand—two millions—no ” (after a close scrutiny 
at the report) “ two hundred and thirty-one—one 
hundred and ninety-three thousand, two hundred 
and thirtj'-one ! Gentlemen, I beg to propose—suc¬ 
cess to this admirable institution!” 

To w T hat the large and variously stated figures 
referred no one in the audience ever felt positive, 
but all agreed, as he had said they would, that this 
was the toast of the evening. 

30. Bee Line 

[He knew how to escape from more than one kind 
of fire.] 

A soldier on guard in South Carolina during the 
war was questioned as to his knowledge of his duties 

“You know your duty here, do you, sentinel?” 

“ Yes, sir.” 

“Well, now, suppose they should open on you 
with shells and musketry, what would you do ?” 

“ Form a line, sir.” 

“ What! one man form a line ?” 

* Yes, sir; form a bee-iine for camp, air.** 


322 tToasts anb jforms of public BDbresg 


31. Ventriloquism 

[“ Take the good the Gods provide.”] 

At Raglan Castle, said Mr. Ganthony, the ventrilo* 
quist, I gave an entertainment in the open air, and 
throwing my voice up into the ivy-covered ruins, 
said: “ What are you doing there?” 

To my amazement a boy answered: “ I climbed 
up ’ere this mornin’ just to see the folk and ’ear the 
music; I wrnn’t do no harm.” 

I replied: “Very well, stay there, and don’t let 
any one see you, do you hear?” 

The reply came : “Yes, muster, I ’ear.” 

This got me thunders of applause. I made up 
my mind to risk it, so I bowed, and the boy never 
showed himself. 

32. A Slight Mistake 

[Orders should be strictly obeyed.] 

A celebrated German physician, according to a 
London paper, was once called upon to treat an aris¬ 
tocratic lady, the sole cause of whose complaint was 
high living and lack of exercise. But it ivould never 
have done to tell her so. So his medical advice was: 

“ Arise at live o clock, take a walk in the park for 
one hour, then drink a cup of tea, then walk another 
hour, and take a cup of chooolate. Take breakfast 
at eight,” 


Ullustrattve ano IDumorous Bnccootcs 128 


Her condition improved visibly, until one fine 
morning the carriage of the baroness was seen to 
approach the physician’s residence at lightning 
speed. The patient dashed up to the doctor’s house, 
and on his appearing on the scene she gasped out: 

“ 0 doctor! I took the chocolate first!” 

“ Then drive home as fast as you can,” directed 
the astute disciple of iEsculapius, rapidly writing a 
prescription, “ and take this emetic. The tea must 
be underneath.” 

The grateful patient complied. She is still im¬ 
proving. 


33 . Presence of Mind 

[A fine story to illustrate the value (money value) 
t)f presence of mind.] 

A witty person whom Bismarck was commissioned 
by the Emperor to decorate with the Iron Cross of 
the first class, discomfited the Chancellor’s attempt 
to chaff him. “ I am authorized,” said Bismarck, 
“ to offer you one hundred thalers instead of the 
cross.” “ How mucA is the cross worth ?” asked the 
soldier. “Three thalers.” “Very well, then, your 
highness, I’ll take the cross and ninety-seven thalers.” 
Bismarck was so surprised and pleased by the ready 
shrewdness of the reply that he gave the man both 
the cross and the money. 



124 Coasts anD fforms of {public BDDress 


34. Joke on a Dude 

[A good story for one who has some power of per« 
sonation, for the dudes get little sympathy.] 

A crowded car ran down the other evening. 
Within was a full-blown, eye-glassed, drab-gaitered 
dude, apparently satisfied that he was jammed in 
among an admiring community. On the rear plat¬ 
form a cheery young mechanic was twitting the con ¬ 
ductor and occasionally making a remark to a fresh 
passenger. Everybody took it in good part as a case 
of inoffensive high spirits, all but the dude, who 
evinced a strong disgust. 

When the young man called out to an old gentle¬ 
man, “ Sit out here, guvinor, on the back piazza,” or 
to another, “ Don’t crowd there; stay where the 
breezes blow,” the dude looked daggers, and at last, 
grabbing the conductor’s elbow and indicating the 
young man by a nod of the head, evidently entered 
a protest. Every one saw it. So did the young 
man, and he gathered his wits together like a streak 
to finish that dude. He did it all with an imper¬ 
turbable good humor and seriousness which would 
carry conviction to the most doubting. 

“ Well, I never!” he began, poking his head inside 
the doorway with an air of comic surprise. “ Jes’ to 
see you a-sitting there, dressed up like that. Caters 


Illustrative anD humorous anecdotes 125 

on to them gaiters, will you? Ain’t you got the 
nerve to go up and down Broadway fixed up like 
that, and your poor father and mother workin’ hard 
at home ? Ain’t you ’shamed o’ yourself, and your 
father a honest, hard-workin’ driver, and your mother 
a decent, respectable washwoman ? Y’ ain’t no good, 
or you wouldn’t have gev up your place, and I think 
I’ll go look after it myself and put a decent man 
in it.” 

He stepped off the car as if bent on doing this at 
once, and the dude, unable to resist the ridicule of 
the situation or defend the attack, hastily stepped 
off after him. 


35. Newspaper Reporter 

[Equally good for a missionary meeting or a gath¬ 
ering of newspaper men.] 

A young journalist was requested to write some¬ 
thing about the Zenana Mission. He assured the 
readers of the paper that among the many scenes of 
missionary labor, none had of late attracted more 
attention than the Zenana Mission, and assuredly 
none was more deserving of this attention. Com¬ 
paratively few years had passed since Zenana had 
been opened up to British trade, but already, owing 
to the devotion of a handful of men and women, the 
nature of the inhabitants had been almost entirely 


136 Goasts anO tforms of flMiDUc BdDress 

changed. The Zenanese, from being a savage people 
had become, in a wonderfully short space of time, 
practically civilized; and recent travelers to Zenana 
liad returned with the most glowing accounts of the 
tontinued progress of the good work in that country 
He then branched off into the “ laborer-worthy-of* 
his-hire ” side of this great work, and the question 
was aptly asked if the devoted laborers in that re^ 
mote vineyard were not deserving of support. Were 
civilization and Christianity to be snatched from the 
Zenanese just when both were within their grasp ? 
So on for nearly half a column the writer meandered 
in the most orthodox style, just as he had done scores 
of times before when advocating certain missions. 
Some one who found him the next day running his 
finger down the letter Z, in the index to the “ Handy 
Atlas,” with a puzzled look upon his face, knew he 
had had a letter from the editor. 

36. How a Woman Proposed 

[A variation of the old and always pleasing theme.} 

They were dining off fowl in a restaurant. “ You 
see,” he explained, as he showed her the wishbone, 
“ you take hold here. Then we must both make a 
wish and pull, and when it breaks the one who has 
the bigger part of it will have his or her wish 
granted.” “ But I don’t know what to wish for,” she 


■tflluetrattve anD ibumoroue ^inecootes 127 


protested. “Oh! you can think of something,” he 
said. “No, I can’t,” she replied; “I can’t think of 
anything I want very much.” “Well, I’ll wish for 
you,” he exclaimed. “ Will you, really?” she asked. 
“ Yes.” “ Well, then, there’s no use fooling with the 
old wishbone,” she interrupted, with a glad smile, 
“ you can have me.” 


37. Lucky Answer 



[Certainly Thompson would be a lawyer, ready for 
any emergency.] 

In times past there was in a certain law school an 
aged and eccentric professor. “ General information” 
was the old gentleman’s hobby. He held it as incon¬ 
trovertible that if a young lawyer possessed a large 
fund of miscellaneous knowledge, combined with an 
equal amount of common sense, he would be success¬ 
ful in life. So every year the professor put on his 
examination papers a question very far removed from 
the subject of criminal law. One year it was, “ How 
many kinds of trees are there in the college yard ?” 
the next, “ What is the make-up of the present Eng¬ 
lish cabinet?” 

Finally the professor thought he had invented the 
best question of his life. It was, “ Name twelve ani¬ 
mals that inhabit the polar regions.” The professor 
chuckled as he wrote this down. He was sure he 


128 ^Toasts anD 3Forms ot public BDbrcea 

would “ pluck” half the students on that question 
and it was beyond a doubt that that opprobrious 
young loafer Thompson would fail. But when the 
professor read the examination papers, Thonqison, 
who had not answered another question, was the 
only man who had solved the polar problem. This 
was Thompson’s answer: “ Six seals and six polar 
bears.” Thompson got his degree with distinction. 

38 . Double Education 

A young doctor, wishing to make a good impres¬ 
sion upon a German farmer, mentioned the fact that 
he had received a double education, as it were. He 
had studied homoeopathy, and was also a graduate 
of a “ regular ” medical school. “ Oh! dot vas 
noding,” said the farmer, “ I had vonce a calf vot 
sucked two cows, and he made nothing but a com¬ 
mon schteer after all.” 

39 . Remnants 

[This and the preceding have a little spice of ill- 
nature, and while enjoyable must be applied care¬ 
fully.] 

Wife—“Such a dream as I had last night, dear I” 

Husband—“ May I hear about it ?” 

u Well, yes; I dreamed I was in a great establish- 


Illustrative attfc Ibumocous BnecDotce 129 


ment where they sold husbands. They were beau* 
ties; some in glass cases and marked at fearful 
prices, and others were sold at less figures. Girls 
were paying out fortunes, and getting the hand' 
earnest men I ever saw. It was wonderful.” 

“ Did you see any like me there, dear'?” 

“ Yes; just as I was leaving I saw a whole lot like 
r*ou lying on the remnant counter.” 

40. Indirect and Direct 

[The following instances show that it is necessary 
&0 heed indirect as well as direct meanings.] 

Mr. Callon, M. P. for Louth, Ireland, a stanch op¬ 
ponent of the Sunday Closing and Permissive Bill 
and personally a great benefactor to the Revenue, 
replying to the Irish Attorney-General, said: “ The 
facts relied on by the learned gentleman are very 
strange. Now, Mr. Speaker, I swallow a good deal . 
[‘ Hear, hear/ c Quite true,’ * Begorra, you can/ 
and roars of laughter.] I repeat, I can mallow a great 
deal [* Hear, hear/ and fresh volleys of laughter], but 
I can’t swallow that.” A few nights before, in a 
debate which had to do with the Jews, Baron de 
Worms had just remarked, u We owe much to the Jews 
when there came a feeling groan from a well-known 
member in his back corner, “ We do.” 


130 Coasts anD norms ot Public BbDress 

41 . An Unmarried Man’s Wife 

At a dinner at Delmonico’s, after the bottle had 
made its tenth round, one of the company pro¬ 
posed this toast: “ To the man whose wife was never 
vixenish to him l” A wag of an old bachelor jumped 
Up and said: “ Gentlemen, as I am the only unmar¬ 
ried man at this table, I suppose that that toast was 
intended for me.” 

42. A Dilemma 

“ I am no good unless I strike,” said the match. 
“ And you lose your head every time you do strike,” 
said the box. 

43. Courageous Girl 

[The following is a good instance of an elaborate 
itory and a sharp retort.] 

It is not always safe to presume upon the timidity 
or ignorance of folks. The most demure may be the 
most courageous. A gentleman who attempted tc 
play a practical joke in order to test the courage of a 
servant, was nonplused in a very unexpected way. 
Here is his story: 

I am very particular about fastening the doors and 
windows of my house. I do not intend to leave 
them open at night as an invitation to burglars to 
enter. You see, I was robbed once in that way last 


Illustrative anD Ibumorous BnecOotes IS* 


year, and I never mean to be again; so when I go 
to bed I like to be sure that every door and window 
is securely fastened. 

Last winter my wife engaged a big, strong country 
girl, and the new-comer was very careless about the 
doors at night. On two or three occasions I came 
down-stairs to find a window up or the back door 
unlocked. I cautioned her, but it did her no good. 
I therefore determined to frighten her. I got some 
false whiskers, and one night about eleven o’clock I 
crept down the back-stairs to the kitchen, where she 
was. She had turned down the gas, and was in her 
chair by the fire fast asleep, as I could tell by her 
breathing, but the moment I struck a match she 
awoke. 

I expected a great yelling and screaming, but 
nothing of the sort took place. She bounced out of 
her seat with a “ You villain!” on her lips, seized a 
chair by the back, and before I had made a move 
she hit me over the head, forcing me to my knees. 
I tried to get up, tried to explain who I was, but in 
vain. Before I could get out of the room she struck 
me again, and it was only after I had tumbled up 
the back-stairs that she gave the alarm. Then she 
came up to my room, rapped at the door, and coolly 
announced: 

“ Mr. 1 please get up. I’ve killed a burglar.” 



IS2 leasts anD ffonns of Public BDDreas 


44. Moral Suasion 


"What are your usual inodes of punishment?’ 
was among the questions submitted to a teacher in a 
rural district in Ohio. Her answer was, “ I try moral 
suasion first, and if that does not work I use capital 
punishment.” 

As it was a neighborhood where moral suasion 
had not been a success, and the children were scarce^ 
the committee took no risks. 


45. Cute Boy 



The teacher in geography was putting the class 
through a few simple tests: 

“ On which side of the earth is the North Pole? 7 * 
she inquired. 

“ On the north side,” came the unanimous answer, 

“ On which side is the South Pole ?” 

“ On the south side ?” 

u Now, on which side are the most people?** 

This was a poser, and nobody answered. Finally, 
a very young scholar held up his hand. 

“ I know,” he said, hesitatingly, as if the excess of 
his knowledge was too much for him. 

" Good for you,” said the teacher, encouragingly; 
“ tell the class on which side the most people ara” 


illustrative anD tmmorous Hnec&otes 133 

A On the outside,” piped the youngster, and what¬ 
ever answer the teacher had in her mind was lost in 
the shuffle. 


46. Perplexed 


Bob—Hello! I’m awfully glad to see you!* 
Dick—“ I guess there must be some mistake. I 
don’t owe you anything, and I am not in a condition 
to place you in a position to owe me anything!” 



47. Ben Franklin’s Oysters 


Benjamin Franklin was not unlike other boys in 
his love for sophomoric phrases. It is related that 
one day he told his father that he had swallowed 
some acephalus molluscus, which so alarmed him that 
he shrieked for help. The mother came in with 
warm water, and forced half a gallon down Benja¬ 
min’s throat with the garden pump, then held him 
upside down, the father saying, “ If we don’t get 
those things out of Bennie he’ll be poisoned sure.’ 1 
When Benjamin was allowed to get his breath he ex¬ 
plained that the articles referred to were oysters. 
His father was so indignant that he "whipped him for 
an hour for frightening the family. Franklin never 
afterward used a word with two syllables when a 
monosyllable would do. 



134 Coasts anb tforms ot public BDDress 


48. Family Affairs 

“ Newlywed seems to find particular delight in 
parading his little family affairs before the eyes of 
his acquaintances,” “ Does he ? What are they ? 
Scandals?” “ Nop, twins.” 

49. A Burglar’s Experience 

A New York paper prints this extract from the 
reminiscences of a retired burglar: 

“ I think about the most curious man I ever met,” 
said the retired burglar, “ I met in a house in east> 
ern Connecticut, and I shouldn’t know him, either, 
if I should meet him again unless I should hear him 
speak. It was so dark where I met him that I nevei 
saw him at all. I had looked around the house 
down-stairs, and actually hadn’t seen a thing worth 
carrying off. It was the poorest house I ever was 
in, and it wasn’t a bad-looking house on the outside, 
either. I got up-stairs and groped around a lit¬ 
tle, and finally turned into a room that w r as darker 
than Egypt. I had not gone more than three step# 
in this room when I heard a man say: 

“ 6 Hello, there.’ 

“ i Hello,’ says I. 

“ ‘ Who are you ?’ says the man ; 6 burglar?’ 

“ And I said yes; I did do something in that line* 
occasionally. 


imustrative anD Ibumorous anecdotes 135 


“ 1 Miserable business to be in, ain’t it ?’ said the 
man. His voice came from a bed over in the corner 
of the room, and I knew he hadn’t even sat up. 

“And I said, 4 Well, I dunno. I got to support 
my family some way.’ 

“ ‘ Well, you’ve just wasted a night here,’ says the 
man. 1 Did you see anything down-stairs worth 
stealing ?’ 

“ And I said no, I hadn’t. 

“‘Well, there’s less up-stairs,’says the man; and 
then I heard him turn over and settle down to go to 
sleep again. I’d like to have gone over there and 
kicked him, but I didn’t. It was getting late, and I 
thought, all things considered, that I might just as 
well let him have his sleep out.” 

50. Hitting a Lawyer 

“ Have you had a job to-day, Tim ?” inquired a 
well-known legal gentleman of the equally well- 
known, jolly, florid-faced old drayman, who, rain or 
shine, summer or winter, is rarely absent from hia 
post. 

“ Bedad, I did, sor.” 

u How many ?” 

“ Only two, sor.” 

“ How much did you get for both?" 

“ Sivinty cints, sor.” 


136 (Toasts anD Jfonns of public HDDccss 


“ Seventy cents! How in the world do you ex* 
pect to live and keep a horse on seventy cents a 
day?” 

“Some days I have half a dozen jobs, sor. But 
bizness has been dull to-day, sor. On’y the hauling 
of a thrunk for a gintilman for forty cints an’ a load 
av furniture for thirty cints; an’ there was the pots 
an’ the kittles, an’ there’s no telling phat; a big load, 
sor.” 

“ Do you carry big loads of household goods for 
thirty cents ?” 

“ She was a poor widdy, sor, an’ had no more to 
give me. I took all she had, sor; an’ bedad, sor, a 
lyyer could have done no better nor that, sor.” 

51. Cutting Short a Prayer 

Many a spiritual history is condensed into a minia- 
ture in the following: 

Two fishermen—Jamie and Sandy—belated and 
befogged on a rough water, were in some trepidation 
lest they should never get ashore again. At last 
Jamie said: 

“ Sandy, I’m steering, and I think you’d better put 
up a bit of a prayer.” 

Sandy said : “ I don’t know how.” 

Jamie said : “ If you don’t I’ll just chuck ye over¬ 
board.” 


Ifllustratlvc anD l&umorous Bnec&otes 137 


Sandy began: “ O Lord, I never asked onything 
of Ye for fifteen year, and if Ye’ll only get us safe 
back Ill never trouble Ye again.” 

“Whist, Sandy,” said Jamie, “the boat's touched 
shore; don't be beholden to onybody." 

52. Unremitting Kindness 

m 

Jerrold was asked if he considered a man kind 
who remitted no funds to his family when away. 
u Oh! yes. Unremitting kindness ,” said he. 

53. Amusing Blunder 

One of the passengers on board the ill-fated 
“ Metis ” at the time of the disaster was an exceed¬ 
ingly nervous man, who, while floating in the water, 
imagined how his friends would acquaint his wife 
of his fate. Saved at last, he rushed to the telegraph 

oflice and sent this message: “ Dear P-, I am 

saved. Break it gently to my wife." 

54. Compliment to a Lady 

[How nicely this might fit into a ladies’ party.] 

Sidney Smith, the cultivated writer and divine, 
vho, when describing his country residence, declared 
that he lived twelve miles from a lemon, was told by 
a beautiful girl that a certain pea in his garden 




138 Coasts an£> aforme of public BDDtess 


would never come to perfection. “ Permit me, then , 11 
said he, taking her by the hand, “ to lead perfection tA 
the pea” 

55. Too Slim 

[The great evil of mixing religion and politics are 
well set forth in the following incident:] 

“ Gabe,” said the governor to an old colored man, 
“ I understand that you have been ousted from your 
position of Sunday-school superintendent.” 

“ Yes, sah, da figured aroun’ till da got me out. It 
was all a piece of political work, though; and I 
doan see why de law of de Ian’ doan prevent do 
Sunday-schools an’ churches from takin’ up political 
matters!” 

“ How did politics get you out ?” 

“ Yer see, some time ago, -when I was a candidate 
for justice ob de peace, I gin’ a barbecue ter some ob 
my frien’s. De udder day da brung up de fack an 1 
ousted me.” 

“ I don’t see why the fact that you gave a barbecue 
to your friends should have caused any trouble.” 

“ Neider does myse’f, boss; but yer see da said dat 
I stole de hogs what I barbecued. De proof wa’n’t 
good, an’ I think dat da done wrong in ackin’ upon 
sech slim testimony. Da said dat I cotch de hogs in 
a corn fiel’. I know dat wan’t true, ’case it was a 
wheat fiel’ whar I cotch ’em.” 


TTllustraUve and Ibumorous anecdotes 13$ 


56. A Fast-day Toast 

On one of the fast-days—a cold, bleak one, too— 
Father Foley, a popular and genial priest, on his 
way from a distant visitation, dropped in to see 
Widow O’Brien, who was as jolly as himself, and 
equally as fond of the creature comforts, and, what 
is better, well able to provide them. As it was about 
dinner-time, his reverence thought he would stay 
and have a “ morsel ” with the old dame; but what 
was his horror to see served up in good style a pair 
of splendid roast ducks! 

“ Oh! musha, Mistress O’Brien, what have ye 
there?” he exclaimed, in well-feigned surprise. 

“ Ducks, yer riverence.” 

“ Ducks! roast ducks! and this a fast-day of the 
holy Church!” 

“ Wisha! I never thought of that; but why can’4 
we eat a bit of duck, yer riverence?” 

“ Why ? Because the Council of Trint won’t lave 
us—that’s why.” 

“ Well, well, now, but I’m sorry fur that, fur I can 
only give ye a bite of bread and cheese and a glass 
of something hot. Would that be any harrum, 

Sir?” 

‘ Harrum! by no manes, woman. Sure we mus* 
^ e any way, and bread and cheese is not forbid!” 


140 ^Toasts and joints of lPubUe BOOrcss 


u Nayther whiskey punch ?” 

a Nayther that.” 

“ Well, thin, yer riverence, would it be any harrmx 
fur me to give a toast ?” 

“ By no manes, Mrs. O’Brien. Toast away as much 
as ye like, bedad!” 

“ Well, thin, here’s to the Council of Trintjur if it keep* 
us from atin\ it doesn’t keep us from drinkin’ /” 

57. The Sun Standing Still 

James Russell Lowell, when concluding an after- 
dinner speech in England, made a happy hit by 
introducing the story of a Methodist preacher at a 
camp-meeting, of whom he had heard when he was 
young. He was preaching on Joshua ordering the 
sun to stand still: “ My hearers,” he said, “ there are 
three motions of the sun; the first is the straight* 
forward or direct motion of the sun, the second is 
the retrograde or backward motion of the sun, and 
the third is the motion mentioned in our text—‘ the 
Bun stood still.’ Now, gentlemen, I do not know 
whether you see the application of that story to 
after-dinner oratory. I hope you do. The after- 
dinner orator at first begins and goes straight for¬ 
ward—that is the straightforward motion of the sun; 
next he goes hack and begins to repeat himself a 
iittle, and that is the retrograde or backward 


Hilustrattoe anO Ibumorous Bnecdotes 14\ 


motion of the sun; and at last he has the good sense 
to bring himself to an end, and that is the motion 
mentioned in our text of the sun standing still.” 

58. Neutralizing Poison 

Col. John H. George, a New Hampshire barrister, 
tells a good story on himself. Meeting an old farmer 
recently whom he had known in his youth, the old 
fellow congratulated the Colonel on his youthful ap¬ 
pearance. 

“ How is it you’ve managed to keep so fresh and 
good-looking all these years ?” quoth he. 

“Well, said George, “ I’ll tell you. I’ve always 
drank new rum and voted the Democratic ticket.” 

“ Oh! yes,” said the old man, “ I see how it is ; me 
pizen neutralizes the other /” 

59. General Butler and the Spoons 

While General Butler was delivering a speech in 
Boston during an exciting political campaign, one of 
his hearers cried out: “ How about the spoons, 
Ben ?” Benjamin’s good eye twinkled merrily as he 
looked bashfully at the audience, and said: “ Now, 
don’t mention that, please. I was a Republican whm 
l stole those spoons 


142 Coasts and forms of iPubttc BDDress 


60. Making Most of One’s Capital 

[One should always make the most of his capital, 
as this orator did.] 

“ Fellow-citizens, my competitor has told you of 
the services he rendered in the late war. I will fol¬ 
low his example, and I shall tell you of mine. He 
basely insinuates that I was deaf to the voice of 
honor in that crisis. The truth is, I acted a humble 
part in that memorable contest. When the tocsin 
of war summoned the chivalry of the country to 
rally .to the defense of the nation, I, fellow-citizens, 
animated by that patriotic spirit that glows in every 
American’s bosom, hired a substitute for that war, 
and the bones of that man, fellow-citizens, now lie 
bleaching in the valley of the Shenandoah 1” 

61. Meeting Half-Way 

[But the following man could get even more out 
of an unpromising situation.] 

“ Now, I want to know,” said a man whose veracity 
had been questioned by an angry acquaintance, “ just 
why you call me a liar. Be frank, sir; for frank¬ 
ness is a golden-trimmed virtue. Just as a friend, 
now, tell me why you called me a liar.” 

“ Called you a liar because you are a liar,” the 
acquaintance replied. 


Wlustrattve anD Ifoumorous BnecDotes 143 


“ That’s what I call frankness. Why, sir, if this 
rule were adopted over half of the difficulties would 
be settled without trouble, and in our case there 
would have been trouble but for our willingness to 
meet each other half-way.” 

62. Unfortunate Mistake 

Judge -, who is now a very able Judge of 

the Supreme Court of one of the great States of this 
Union, when he first “ came to the bar,” was a very 
blundering speaker. On one occasion, when he was 
trying a case of replevin, involving the right of 
property to a lot of hogs, he addressed the jury as 
follows: 

“ Gentlemen of the jury, there were just twenty- 
four hogs in that drove—just twenty-four, gentlemen 
—exactly twice as many as there are in that jury-box /” 
The effect can be imagined. 

63. Taken at His Word 

A pretentious person said to the leading man of a 
country village, “ How would a lecture by me on 
Mount Vesuvius suit the inhabitants of your vil¬ 
lage?” “ Very well, sir; very well, indeed,” he am 
swered; “ a lecture by you on Mount Vesuvius would 
suit them a great deal better than a lecture by you 
u? this village.” 



144 tToaets an£> jForms ot public BDDrees 

64. Bragging Veterans 

In warning veterans against exaggerating, a gen¬ 
tleman at a Washington banquet related the follow¬ 
ing anecdote of a Revolutionary veteran, who, hav¬ 
ing outlived nearly all his comrades, and being in no 
danger of contradiction, rehearsed his experience 
thuswise: “ In that fearful day at Monmouth, 
although entitled to a horse, I fought on foot. With 
each blow I severed an Englishman’s head from hia 
body, until a huge pile of heads lay around me, 
great pools of blood on either side, and my shoes 
were so full of the same dreadful fluid that my feet 
slipped beneath me. Just then I felt a touch upon 
my shoulder, and, looking up, who should I behold 
but the great and good Washington himself! Never 
shall I forget the majesty and dignity of his pres* 
ence, as, pressing his hand upon me, he said, 4 My 
young friend, restrain yourself, and for heaven’s sake 
do not make a slaughter-house of yourself.’ ” 

65. Exchanging Minds 

Heinrich Heine, the German poet, apologizing for 
feeling dull after a visit from a professor said: 44 I 
am afraid you find me very stupid. The fact is, 

Dr.- called upon me this morning, and we 

changed our minds” 



Illustrative anD Dtimoreus BnecDotes 14 & 


66. Buying a Lawyer 

[The willingness to pay full value for an article is 
a trait of character always appreciated.] 

Lawyer B—— called at the office of Counselor 
F-, who has had considerable practice in bank¬ 
ruptcy, and said: “ See here, F-, I want to know 

what the practice is in such and such a case in bank¬ 
ruptcy.” 

F-, straightening himself up and looking aa 

wise as possible, replied: “ Well, Mr. B——, I gen¬ 
erally get paid for telling what I know.” 

B- put his hand into his pocket, drew forth 

half a dollar, handed it to F-, and said: “ Here, 

tell me all you know, and give me the change” 

67. Would Not Save It 

In the old town of W- , in the Pine-tree State, 

lived one of those unfortunate lords of creation who 
had, in not a very long life, put on mourning for 
three departed wives. But time assuages heart-* 
wounds, as well as those of the flesh. In due time 
a fourth was inaugurated mistress of his heart and 
house. He was a very prudent man, and suffered 
nothing to be wasted. When the new mistress was 
putting things in order, while cleaning up the attio 
she came across a long piece of board, and was about 










146 Coasts anD Jforms ot public SDbrese 


launching it out of the window, when little Sadie 
interposed, and said: “ Oh! don’t, mamma ! that ii 
the board papa lays out his wives on , and he wants tc 
save it I” Nevertheless, out it went. 

68. Widow Outwitted 

In a Western village a charming, well-preserved 
widow had been courted and won by a physician. 
She had children. The wedding-day was approach¬ 
ing, and it was time the children should know they 
were to have a new father. Calling one of them to 
her, she said: “ Georgie, I am going to do something 
before long that I would like to talk about with you,* 

“Well, ma, what is it!” 

“ I am intending to marry Dr. Jones in a few r days* 
and—” 

“ Bully for you, ma! Does Dr. Jones know it ?” 

Ma caught her breath, but failed to articulate a 
response. 

69. Too Kind 

[Where can we find a more touching manifestation 
of mutual benevolence than the following.] 

In New Jersey reside two gentlemen, near neigh* 

bors and bosom friends, one a clergyman, Dr. B-, 

the other a “ gentleman of means ” named Wilsoa 
Both were passionately fond of music, and the latter 



Illustrative anfc Ibumorous BnecDotes 147 


devoted many of his leisure hours to the study of 
the violin. One fine afternoon our clerical friend 
was in his study, deeply engaged in writing, when 
there came along one of those good-for-nothing little 
Italian players, who planted himself under his study 
window, and, much to his annoyance, commenced 
scraping away on a squeaky fiddle. After trying 
in vain for about fifteen minutes to collect his scat¬ 
tered thoughts, the Doctor descended to the piazza 
jn front of the house, and said to the boy: 

“ Look here, sonny, you go over and play awhile 
for Mr. Wilson. Here is ten cents. He lives in that 
big white house over yonder. He plays the violin, 
and likes music better than I do.” 

“Well,” said the boy, taking the “stamp,” “1 
would , but he just gave me ten cents to come over and 
'play for you /” 


70. Not Fooled Twice 

San Francisco boasts of a saloon called the Bank 
Exchange, where the finest wines and liquors are 
dispensed at twenty-five cents a glass, with lunches 
thrown in free. A plain-looking person went in one 
morning and called for a brandy cocktail, and wanted 
it strong. Mr. Parker, as is usual with him, was very 
considerate, and mixed the drink in his best style, 
setting it down for his customer. After the cocktail 


148 {Toasts anO 3Torms ot public ‘BDDress 

had disappeared the man leaned over the bar and 
said that he had no change about him then, but 
would have soon, when he would pay for the drink 
Parker politely remarked that he should have men¬ 
tioned the fact before he got the drink; when his 
customer remarked : “ I tried that on yesterday 
morning with one of your men, but he would not let 
me have the whiskey, so you could not play that 
dodge on me again!” This was too good for Parker, 
and he told the customer he was welcome to his 
drink, and was entitled to his hat in the bargain, if 
he wanted it. 

71 . Biting Sarcasm 

Standing on the steps at the entrance to one of the 
grand hotels at Saratoga, a young gentleman, in 
whom the “ dude ” species was strongly developed, 
had been listening with eager attention to the bright 
things which fell from the lips of the well-known wit 
and orator, Emory A. Storrs. 

At last our exquisite exclaimed : “ Er—Mr. Storrs, 
—I—er—wish, oh ! how I—er— wish ! that I had 
your—er—cheek.” 

Mr. Storrs instantly annihilated him with : “ It is 
a most fortunate dispensation of Providence that you 
have not. For, with my cheek and your brains , you 
would be kicked down these steps in no time l” 


Illustrative anD Ibumorous Bnecbotes 149 


72. Incorrigible Neighbor 

A lady in California had a troublesome neighbor, 
whose cattle overrun her ranch, causing much dam¬ 
age. The lady bore the annoyance patiently, hoping 
that some compunction would be felt for the damage 
inflicted. At last she caught a calf which was 
making havoc in her garden, and sent it home with 
a child, saying, “ Tell Mrs. A. that the calf has eaten 
nearly everything in the garden, and I have scarcely 
a cabbage left.” 

The feelings of the injured lady may be imagined 
when she received this reply: “ The cabbage nearly 
all eaten! Well, I must get over and borrow some 
before it is all gone!” 

73. Disgusted Officer 

Some years since a party of Indians drove off all 
the live-stock at Fort Lancaster. A few days after¬ 
ward Captain-was passing through the post, 

and stopped a couple of days for rest. While there 
an enthusiastic officer took him out to show him the 
trail of the bad Indians, how they came, which way 
they went, etc. After following the trail for some 
distance the Captain turned to his guide and ex¬ 
claimed : “ Look here; if you want to find any 
Indians, you can find them; I haven't lost any , and * 
am going back to camp*” 




150 Coasts anD forms of TPuDltc BODrcss 


74. Irate Prisoner 

A man arrested for stealing chickens was brought 
to trial. The case was given to the jury, who brought 
him in guilty, and the judge sentenced him to three 
months’ imprisonment. The jailer was a jovial man 
fond of a smile , and feeling particularly good on that 
particular day, considered himself insulted when the 
prisoner looking around his cell told him it was 
dirty, and not tit for a hog to be put in. One word 
brought on another, till finally the jailer told the 
prisoner if he did not behave himself he would put 
him out. To which the prisoner replied: “ I will 
give you to understand, sir, I have as good a right 
here as you have I” 

75. Truthful Prisoner 

The eccentric old King of Prussia, father of Fred¬ 
erick the Great, while visiting the Potsdam prison, 
was much interested in the professions of innocence 
the prisoners made. Some blamed their conviction 
on the prejudice of judges; others, upon the perjury of 
witnesses or the tricks of bad companions. At length 
tie accosted a sturdy, closely-fettered prisoner with 
the remark, “ I suppose you are innocent, too.” 

“ No, your Majesty,” was the unexpected response 
“ I am guilty, and richly deserve all I get.” 


f Ilustrattve anD fnimorous BnecDotes 151 

“ Here, you turnkey,” thundered the monarch, 
r come and turn out this rascal, quick, before he cor¬ 
rupts this fine lot of innocent and abused people 
that you have about you.” 

76. Ruling Passion 

There are persons now living in Bennington who 

remember old Billy B-, of whom it might be 

said he furnished an example of the “ ruling pas¬ 
sion strong in death.” When very ill, and friends 
were expecting an early demise, his nephew and a 
man hired for the occasion had butchered a steer 
which had been fattened; and when the job was 
completed the nephew entered the sick-room, where 
a few friends were assembled, when, to the astonish¬ 
ment of all, the old man opened his eyes, and turn¬ 
ing his head slightly, said, in a full voice, drawing 
out the words: 

“ What have you been doing ?” 

* Killing the steer,” was the reply. 

“ What did you do with the hide ?” 

“ Left it in the barn; going to sell it by-and-by.” 

“ Let the boys drag it around the yard a couple of 
imes; it will make it weigh heavier.” 

And the good old man was gathered unto his 
fathers. 



152 Coasts and 3forms of public BDOrcss 


77. Bad Speculation 

[This is told of bears, rattlesnakes, etc., as well aa 
Indians.] 

At a recent festive occasion a gentleman who was 
making a few remarks was repeatedly interrupted by 
another one of the company. He bore it patiently at 
first, but finally said that it reminded him of a story 
he had heard. He said that a man, whom business 
had called away a short distance from his home in 
the city, thought he would pay his way back again 
by purchasing a number of hogs and driving them 
home. He did so, but when he and the hogs arrived 
at their destination the market for the latter had 
fallen considerably in price, and the hogs had also 
tost weight on the journey. It was remarked to him 
that he had made rather a bad speculation. “ Yes—• 
well, yes,” he answered reflectively. “Yes—but 
then, you see, I had their company at$ the way !” 

78. Satisfied with His Situation 

[The following may not be strictly true, but it 
well illustrates that there is always a lower depth in 
misfortune, and—that Western roads are often some¬ 
what muddy.] 

Some years ago, when riding &h)ng one of the 
almost impassable roads in the far West, I observed 


tfllustrattve anfc Ibumorous Bnecfcotes 153 


a dark-looking object lying in the middle of the 
road, and my natural curiosity impelled me to dis¬ 
mount and examine it. It proved to be a hat, some¬ 
what muddy and dilapidated, but emphatically a 
nat. On lifting it up, to my surprise I found that it 
covered a head—a human head—which protruded 
sufficiently out of the mud to be recognizable as 
such. I ventured to address the evidently wide* 
awake head, and remarked that it seemed to be in a 
pretty bad sort of a fix. 

“ Wa’al, yes!” the lips replied; “ you’re about right 
thar, stranger; but then I ain't anyway near as bad 
off as the horse that's under me !" 

79. A Good Word for the Devil 

A conference preacher one day went into the house 
of a Wesleyan Reformer, and saw the portraits of 
three expelled ministers suspended from the walls. 

“ What!” said he, “ have you got them hanging 
there ?” 

“ Oh ! yes,” was the answer; “ they are there.” 

“Ah! well; but one is wanted to complete the 
set.” 

“ Pray, who is that ?” 

“ Why, the devil, to be sure.” 

“ Ah!” said the Reformer, “ but he is not yet ex¬ 
pelled from the Conference.” 


154 Goasts and #orma of iPubUc BD&rese 


80. Marrying a Widow 

In Cadiz, Ohio, a preacher was summoned to the 
hotel to make an expectant couple one. In the 
course of the preliminary inquiries the groom was 
asked if he had been married before, and admitted 
that he had been—three times. “And is this lady a 
widow,” was also asked, but he responded promptly 
and emphatically, “ No, sir; Inever marry widows. 1 ' 

81. A Good Sale 

Several years ago there resided in Saratoga County 
a lawyer of considerable ability and reputation, but 
of no great culture, who had an unusually fine taste 
in paintings and engravings—the only evidence of 
refinement he ever exhibited. A clergyman of the 
village in which he lived, knowing his fondness foi 
such things, introduced to him an agent of a pub¬ 
lishing house in the city who was issuing a pictorial 
Bible in numbers. The specimen of the style of 
work exhibited to the lawyer was a very beautiful 
one, and he readily put down his name for a copy. 
But in the progress of the publication the character 
of the engravings rapidly deteriorated, much to the 
disgust of the enlightened lawyer. The picture of 
Joseph, very indifferently done, provoked him be- 
rond endurance, and seizing several of the numbers 


Illustrative ano Ibumorous BnecDotes 15a 

he sallied forth to reproach the parson for leading 
him into such a bad bargain. “ Look at these 
wretched scratches,” said he, turning the pages over, 
u and see how I have been imposed upon! Here is 
a portrait of Joseph, whom his brethren sold to the 
Egyptians for twenty pieces of silver; and let me 
^ell you, parson, if Joseph looked like that it was a 
eighty good sale /” 

82 . Triumphs of Medicine 

A priest was called upon by a superstitious parish- 
ioner, who asked him to do something for her sick 
cow. He disclaimed knowing anything about such 
matters, but could not put her off. She insisted that 
if he would only say some words over the cow, the 
animal would surely recover. Worn out with im¬ 
portunity, he seized his book in desperation, walked 
around the four-legged patient several times, repeat¬ 
ing in a sonorous voice the Latin words, which mean, 
il If you die, you die; and if you live, you live,” and 
rushed off disgusted. But the woman was delighted, 
and sooth to say the cow quickly recovered. 

But in time the good man himself was taken sick, 
and grew rapidly worse. His throat was terribly 
swollen, and all medical aid was exhausted. The 
word passed around the parish that the priest must 
die. When Bridget heard the peril of her favorite 


156 Coasts and tforms of public Bddress 


pastor she was inspired by a mighty resolve. Sht 
hurried to the sick-room, entered against the protest 
of the friends who were weeping around, and with¬ 
out a word to any one with her strong hands dragged 
his reverence’s bed to the middle of the floor, and 
with the exact copy of his very gestures and voice 
marched around the bed, repeating the sonorous and 
well-remembered Latin phrase, “ If you die, you die, 
and if you live, you live.” The priest fell into a fit 
of uncontrollable laughter, and in his struggle for 
breath and self-control the gathering in his throat 
broke and his life was saved ! 

Mighty are the triumphs of medicine! 

83. Tit for Tat 

An old fellow in a neighboring town, who is orig¬ 
inal in all things, especially in excessive egotism, 
and who took part in the late war, was one day 
talking to a crowd of admiring listeners, and boast¬ 
ing ol his many bloody exploits, when he was inter¬ 
rupted by the question: 

“ I say, old Joe, how many of the enemy did you 
kill during the war ?” 

“ How many did I kill sir? how many enemies did 
I kill ? Well, I don’t know just ’zactly how many; 
but I know this much—I killed as many o’ them as 
they did o’ me !” 


flllu5trat(vc and Ibutnoroue Anecdotes 15? 


84. Sleeping on Top 

During a homeward trip of the “ Henry Chaunoey,' 
hom Aspinwall, the steerage passengers were so 
numerous as to make them uncomfortable. As for 
sleeping accommodation, it was aptly described b}^ a 
Californian, who approached the captain, and said: 

“ I should like to have a sleeping-berth, if you 
please.” 

“ Why, where have you been sleeping these last 
two nights since we left?” 

“Wa’al, I’ve been sleeping a-top of a sick man; 
but he’s better now , and won’t stand it no longer /” 

85. Sambo and the Lawyer 

In a Macon (Ga.) court the other day a lawyer was 
cross-examining a negro witness, and was getting 
along fairly well until he asked the witness what his 
occupation was. “ I’se a carpenter, sah.” “What 
kind of a carpenter?” “They calls me a jackleg 
carpenter, sah.” “What is a jackleg carpenter?” 
“ He is a carpenter who is not a first-class carpenter, 
sah.” “Well, explain fully what you understand 
a jackleg carpenter to be,” insisted the lawyer, 
“ Boss, I declare I dunno how ter splain any mo' 
? cept to say hit am jes’ the same difference Twixt 
you an’ a fust-class lawyer.” 


158 Goa&ts anD forms of public Bbbress 


86. Sixty-Cent Nap 

On board a train in the West an eccentria 
preacher wanted a sleeping-berth, but had only sixty 
cents, while the lowest price was a dollar. Naturally 
he did not get on very fast with the porter; but after 
wearing out the patience of that functionary in vain 
'efforts to stretch the sixty cents,the conductor was sent 
for. All proposals to borrow, to pledge an old Water- 
bury watch, and other financial expedients failed; 
but the circle was squared when the preacher said, 
“ I’ll lie down, and when I have slept sixty cents worth f 
you send that bed-shaker to rout me out.” The pro¬ 
cession started for the sleeper amid the hilarity of 
the passengers, but the tradition is that he slept the 
whole night through and far into the morning. 

87. Preferred to Walk 

A great traveler once found himself on the shore 
of the Sea of Galilee. lie was at once beset by 
boatmen, who wanted to take him out to sail on the 
waters where Christ had walked. He yielded to 
their importunities, and returned to the shore in 
about an hour. But his devout meditations were 
greatly disturbed when he was told that the charge 
was $10. With energy he declared that it was rot> 
bery; that it was not worth so much to sail all ora 


Illustrative anO Ibumorous BnecDotes 159 

their little lake, and demanded, u What makes you 
charge so dreadfully ?” “ Why,” said the innocent 
boatman, “ because dese ese de lake were de Saviour 
walked on de water.” “ Walked ! walked ! did He ? 
Well, if the boatmen of that day charged as you 
fellows do, I should think He would walk.” 

88. Horace Greeley’s Joke 

On one occasion a person, who wished to have a 
kittle fun at the expense of his constituency, said in 
a group where Horace Greeley was standing: “ Mr. 
Greeley and I, gentlemen, are old friends. We have 
drunk a good deal of brandy and water together.’ 
u Yes,” said Mr. Greeley, “ that is true enough. You 
drank the brandy, and I drank the water.” 

89. Doctors and Deadheads 

Fifty years ago the principal avenue of Detroit had 
a toll-gate close to the entrance of the Elmwood 
Cemetery road. As this cemetery had been laid out 
some time previous to the construction of the plank 
road, it was arranged that all funeral processions 
should be allowed to pass along the latter toll-free. 
One day as a well-known physician stopped to pay 
his toll, he observed to the gate-keeper: 

“ Considering the benevolent character of our pro* 


160 Goasts an& 3form6 of public BDbr css 


fession, I think you ought to let physicians pass free 
of charge.” 

“ No, no, doctor,” replied the man; “ we can't 
afford that. You send too many ‘ deadheads ’ through 
here as it is.” 

The story traveled, and the two words became as¬ 
sociated. 

90. Booming a Town 

They tell a story of a man who came into Omaha 
one day, and wanted to trade his farm for some city 
lots. “ All right,” replied the real-estate agent, “ get 
into my buggy, and I’ll drive you out to see some of 
the finest residence sites in the world—water, sewers, 
paved streets, cement sidewalks, electric light, shade 
trees, and all that sort of thing,” and away they 
drove four or five miles into the country. The real- 
estate agent expatiated upon the beauty of the sur¬ 
roundings, the value of the improvements made and 
projected, the convenience of the location, the ease 
and speed with which people who lived there could 
reach town, and the certainty of an active demand 
for such lots in the immediate future. Then, when 
he was breathless, he turned to his companion, and 
asked: 

“ Where’s your farm ?” 

“We passed it coming out here,” was the replj? 
* It’s about two miles nearer town.” 


IfUustratlve anD Ibtttr.ocou* Buec&otes 161 


91. Athletic Nurse 

Young Wife—■“ Why, dear, you were the stroke 
oar at college, weren’t you ?” 

Young Husband—“ Yes, love.” 

“ And a prominent member of the gymnastic class?* 

w I was leader.” 

“ And quite a hand at all athletic exercises ?” 

“ Quite a hand ? My gracious! I was champion 
walker, the best runner, the head man at lifting 
heavy weights, and as for carrying—why, I could 
shoulder a barrel of flour and—■” 

“ Well, love, just please carry the baby for a coupla 
of hours, I’m tired.” 

92. Too Premature 

[Anything rather premature may be illustrated by 
the following:] 

A spring bird that had taken time by the forelock 
flew across the lawn near this city one day last week. 
His probable fate is best described in this pathetic^ 
verse, author unknown: 

“ The first bird of spring 
Essayed for to sing; 

But ere he had uttered a note 
He fell from the limb, 

A dead bird was him, 

The music had friz in his throat/* 


11 


*62 tToagts and fforms ot public BDOresa 


93. A Bewildered Irishman 

The poet Shelley tells an amusing story of th& 
influence that language “ hard to be understood ” ex* 
ercises on the vulgar mind. Walking near Covent 
Harden, London, he accidentally jostled against an 
Irish navvy, who, being in a quarrelsome mood, 
seemed inclined to attack the poet. A crowd ot 
ragged sympathizers began to gather, when Shelley, 
calmly facing them, deliberately pronounced: 

“ I have put my hand into the hamper, I have 
looked on the sacred barley, I have eaten out of the 
drum. I have drunk and am well pleased. I have 
said, ‘ Knox Ompax,’ and it is finished.” 

The effect was magical, the astonished Irishman 
fell back; his friends began to question him. “ What 
barley ?” “ Where’s the hamper ?” “ What have you 
been drinking?” and Shelley walked away unmo* 
lested. 


94. Obeying Orders 

When General Sickles, after the second battle ot 
Bull Run, assumed command of a division of the 
Army of the Potomac, he gave an elaborate farewell 
dinner to the officers of his old Excelsior Brigade, 

“ Now, boys, we will have a family gathering,” he 
<*sid to them, as they assembled in his quarters. 


Illustrative ant) fmmorous BnecDotes 16S 


Pointing to the table, he continued: “ Treat it as you 
would the enemy.” 

As the feast ended, an Irish officer was discovered 
by Sickles in the act of stowing away three bottles 
of champagne in his saddle-bags. 

“ What are you doing, sir,” gasped the astonished 
General. 

“Obeying orders, sir,” replied the captain, in a 
firm voice: “ You told us to treat the dinner as we 
would the enemy, and you know, General, what we 
can’t kill we capture.” 

95. A Speech from the Rear Platform 

An Irish street-car conductor called out shrilly to 
the passengers standing in the aisle: 

“ Will thim in front plaze to move up, so thatthim 
behind can take the places of thim in front, an’ lave 
room for thim who are nayther in front nor behind T : 

96. A Way Out of It 

* What’s the matter with you,” asked a gentleman 
of a friend whom he met. “ You looked puzzled and 
worried.” 

“ I am, ” said the friend. a Maybe you can help 
me out.” 

“ Well, what is it?” 

U 1 am subject at intervals,” said the friend, * to 


164 XToasts anD ^onrta of g>ubltc BDfcrees 


the wildest craving for beefsteak and onions. It has 
all the characteristics of a confirmed drunkard’s crav¬ 
ing for rum. This desire came upon me a few minutes 
ago, and I determined to gratify it. Then suddenly I 
remembered that I had promised to call this evening 
on some ladies, and I must keep that promise. 
Yet my stomach is shouting for beefsteak and onions, 
^nd I am wavering between duty and appetite.” 

“ Can’t you wait until after the call ?” asked the 
gentleman, solicitously. 

“ Never,” said the friend, earnestly. 

“ Can’t you postpone the call ?” 

“ Impossible,” declared the friend. 

“Well,” said the gentleman, “ I’ll tell you what to 
do: go to John Chamberlin’s cafe; order your beef- 
Bteak and onions, and eat them. When you get your 
bill it will be so big that it will quite take your breath 
away.” 

97. The Extent op Science 

“And now,” said the learned lecturer on geology 
who had addressed a small but deeply attentive au¬ 
dience at the village hall, “ I have tried to make these 
problems, abstruse as they may appear, and involv¬ 
ing in their solution the best thoughts, the closest 
analysis, and the most profound investigations of oui 
ablest scientific men for many years ; I have tried, I 


tfltustratfve atio Ibumorous Bnecootee 165 


say, to make them seem comparatively simple and 
easily understood, in the light of modern knowledge. 
Before I close this lecture I shall be glad to answer 
any questions that may occur to you as to points that 
appear to need clearing up or that may have been 
overlooked.” 

There was a silence of a few moments, and then 
an anxious-looking man in the rear of the hall rose 
up. 

“ I would take it as a favor, 5 ’ he said, “ if you could 
tell me whether science has produced as yet any re¬ 
liable and certain cure for warts.” 

98. What’s in a Name? 

One of the managers of a home for destitute col¬ 
ored children tells a funny story about the institution. 
She went out there to see how things were getting 
along, and found a youngster as black as the inside 
of a coal mine tied to a bed-post, with his hands be¬ 
hind him. 

“What is that boy tied up there for?” she de¬ 
manded of the attendant. 

“ For lying, ma’am. He is the worstist, lyingest 
nigger I ever seen.” 

“ What’s his name ? 

“ George Washington, ma’am , 7 was the paralyzing 

reply. 


SS6 boasts and Jforma of public BDOress 


99. Still Room for Research 

“What is this new substance I hear so much 
about ?” asked the eminent scientist’s wife. 

“ What new substance, my dear ?” 

“ The element in the air that has just been detected.* 

“ Oh ! that, my dear,” he answered, beaming ovei 
his spectacles with the good nature of superior wis¬ 
dom, “ is known as argon I” 

“ Oh 1” 

u Yes; its discovery is one of the most remarkable 
triumphs of the age. It has revolutionized some of 
the old theories, or at least it will revolutionize them 
before it gets through.” 

“ What is it ?” 

* It’s—er—a—did you say, what is it ?” 

“ I said that.” 

“ Well—ahem—you see, we haven’t as yet discov¬ 
ered much about it except its name.” 

100. He Was “ ’Piscopal ” 

An Episcopal clergyman passing his vacation in 
Indiana met an old farmer who declared that he was 
a “ ’Piscopal.” 

“ To what parish do you belong?” asked the clergy¬ 
man.” 

“ Don’t know nawthin’ ’bout enuy parish/’ was tb« 

answer. 


illustrative anD Ibumorous Bnccbotea 187 

* Well, then,” continued the clergyman, “ what dio- 
eese do you belong to ?” 

“ They ain’t nawthin’ like that ’round here,” said 
the farmer, 

“ Who contirmed you, then ?” was the next ques¬ 
tion. 

“ Nobody,” answered the farmer. 

“ Then how are you an Episcopalian ?” asked the 
clergyman. 

“Well,” was the reply, “you see it’s this way: 
Last winter I went down to Arkansas visitin’, and 
while I was there I went to church, and it was called 
'Piscopal, and I he’rd them say 6 that they left un¬ 
done the things what they’d oughter done and they 
had done some things what they oughten done,’ and 
I says to myself, says 1: 6 That’s my fix exac’ly, and 
ever since I considered myself a ’Piscopalian.” 

The clergyman shook the old fellow’s hand, and 
laughingly said: 

“Now I understand, my friend, why the membe> 
ship of our church is so large.” 

101. Johnny's Excuse 

A little girl brought a note to her school-teachei 
one morning, which read as follows . “ Dear teacher, 
please excuse Johnny for not coming to school to¬ 
day* He is dead.” Johnny wa® excused 








INDEX OF TOASTS 


The Figures Refer to the Page 


Abounding Plenty, 54. 

Allowances (Charitable), 84. 
America, 78, 80. 

** and the World, 78. 

Eagle, 77, 80. 

•* Eagle and Thanksgiving 

Turkey, 64. 

* Model Statesman, 49. 

" People, 77. 

" Valor, 77. 

Army (Our), 81. 

** and Navy, 87. 

Bad Example, 77. 

Battle of the Pies, 55. 

Battles by Land or Sea, 87. 

Bird (Early), 85. 

Birds (The Great American), 54. 

California, 80. 

Care and Serenity, 77. 

Character (Discernment of), 83. 
Charitable Allowances, 84. 

Charity, 81, 84. 

Chatterbox (The), 85. 

Cheerfulness and Fortitude, 82. 
Childless Father of Eighty Millions 
(Washington), 49. 

Christmas (A Good), 52. 


Christmas Gifts, 52. 

" King, 58. 

“ Toasts (Collection of) 
61, 52. 

* Tree, 51. 

Citizens (Discontented), 78. 

Cold Weather Without and Warns 
Hearts Within (Christmas), 51. 
Columbia, 79, 

Coming Millennium, 78. 
Commander-in-Chief, 42. 
Commanders (Three Great), 85. 
Competence, 83, 

Compliments, 76. 

Constitution and the Laws, 87. 
Council of Trent, 104. 

Country (Our), 41, 78,79,8L 
Courage (Cheerful), 84. 

Daughters (Our Sons and), 78. 

Day (The), 37. 

'* in which Religion gives Sweet* 
ness to Social Life, 62. 

44 of Good Will, 51. 

** we Celebrate, 39. 

Dead (our Honored), 43. 

“ (Martyred), 42, 

Deed* of Men (The), 84. 

Discretion in Speech, 86, 

169 



INDEX OF TOASTS 


Eagle (American), 77,80, 

“ (American) and Thanksgiv¬ 
ing Turkey, 64. 

Economy, 83. 

Emigrant (The), 80. 

Everybody, 84. 

Example (Bad), 77. 

Excesses of Youth (The), 82. 

Fame, 84. 

Farmer (The), 54. 
lathers (Our Revolutionary), 37,80. 
federal Eagle (The! and Festal 
Turkey, 56. 

Festival of Festivals, 53. 

Fidelity and Forgiveness, 83. 
Firesides (Our), 82. 

Flag (Our), 37, 77. 

“ (The) with all its Stars, 42, 
Foes (May we know our), 76. 
Forbearance, 82. 

Forefathers (Our), 50. 

Fortitude and Cheerfulness 82. 
Fortune, 77,81. 

Fourth-of-July Toasts (Collection 
of), 37. 

Free Speech, 37. 

Friend, 75,76,85. 

“ (False), 83. 
u (Fat), 85. 

Full Stomach and Merry Hearts, 54, 

Generosity, 82. 

Golden Maxim (A), 84. 

Good Feeling (Best of), 82. 

“ Will (Day of), 51. 

Governor (The), 54. 

Grand Army of the Elect, 48. 

Great American Birds (The), 54. 
Great Men of Revolutionary Times, 
4 & 


Greatest of Good Men, etc. (Was* 
ington), 49, 

Greatness (National), 5r- 

“ Half-Moon” and “ Mayflower,” 1* 
Happy Future, 85. 

Harvests (Our), 82. 

Head (Every Kair of Your), 8£w 
Health, 86. 

to Detail, Retail and Cur 
tail, 76. 

“ to our Dearest, 83. 

“ to Those we Love Beet, 86 
Home, 73, 74. 

Honored Dead (Our), 43. 
human Nature, 83. 

Incomes (Our), 82. 

Independence, 37. 

Inventor Pumpkin Pie, 84 ; 

Jackson (General), 93. 

Judgment (Good), 76. 

Kindness (Careful), 76. 

Lafayette, 37. 

Lakes and Rivers (Our), 77 . 

Land (Our), 85. 

Liberty, 37. 

“ (Tree of), 8a 
“ and Union, 79. 

Lincoln the Preserver, etc., 4 ®. 
Long Life to our Friends, 85, 

Love and Affection, 84. 

Man we Love (The), 83. 

Marriage, 74. 

Martyred Dead, 42. 

“Mayflower” (and the "Hali 
Moon ”), 19. 

Memorial or Decoration Day (Col 
lection for), 42. 


INDEX OF TOASSS 


in 


Memory (Good), 83, 

Merchant (Our), 76. 

Merry Day (A), 52. 

Metaphysics Noblest of Sciences, 84 
Millennium (Coming), 76. 

Money, 76. 

Nation (The), 87,79. 

National Greatness, 37. 

Native Land (Our), 7?, , 

Navy (Our), 81,92. 

“ (Army and), 37. 

New York, 81. 

Nimble Penny, 85. 

Noble Selves (Our), 81. 

Noblest Qualities (The), 83, 

}hio, 80. 

Oldest of our Festivals (Christ* 
mas), 52. 

Our Country, 41, 78, 79, 81. 

Our Old Ally France, 27. 

Patriot (The), 78. 

Patriotic Virtues, 37. 

Patriotism (True), 78. 

Peace, 37,42. 

" with all Nations, 54. 

People (American), 77. 

Philosophy, 81. 

Placid Life, 76. 

Plenty (Abounding), 54, 

Poverty, 77. 

Present (The), 81. 

“ Opportunity, 81. 

President of United States (The), 54. 
Prudence in Speech, 84. 

** (Enduring), 7Q. 

Religious Press and Literature, 90, 
l Religious Press and Questions of 

1 $16 Day, S&, 


Religious Papers. 91. 

Religious Papers and Scholar 
ship, 91. 

Revolutionary Fathers (Our),37,8a 
Rivers (Our Lakes and), 77. 

Rulers of Our Country, 54. 

Sailors (SurvivingSoldiers and), 48. 
Serenity (Care and). 77. 

Ship of State, 79. 

Soldiers (and Sailors, Surviving), 
Sons and Daughters (Our), 78. 
Sovereign (A), 85. 

Speech (Discretion in), 85. 

“ Free, 37. 

“ (Prudence in), 84. 

" (Thought and), 84. 

Spread Eagle Toast (A), 77, 

St. Nicholas, 52. 

Statesmen (Our), 79. 

Successful Suit, 76. 

Texas, 80. 

Thanksgiving Day Toasts (Colleo* 
tion for), 54. 

Their Excellencies (Presidents and 
Governors), 54. 

Thought and Speech, 84. 

Town (Our), 80. 

Treason, 79. 

Trouble (Deliverance in), 78. 

True Medium (The), 82. 

Turkey (The and the Eagle), 54. 
Two National Fowls (Our), 54. 

Union Forever, 42. 

Valor (American), 77. 

Vermont, 80. 

Victory Always for the Right, 42. 
Virtue, 82. 

Voters (Our), 81, 


172 


INDEX OF TOASTS 


War (Defensive), 37. Wedlock, 76. 

Warm Hearts Within, 51, Whole Country (The), 42. 

Washington, 37,49. Wit, 82. 

“ Birthday Toasts (Col- Woman, 74. 

lection for), 49. Working Man (The), 94, 

w the Founder, Lincoln 
the Preserver, 49. 


Youth (Excess* of), 82. 


INDEX OF ANECDOTES 


Th© Figures Refer to the Number ©f the Anecdote, not t© 

the Page 


Ambiguity of Words, 20. 

Amusing Blunder, 53. 

Athletic Nurse, 91. 

Bad Speculation, 77. 

Bee Line, 30. 

Bewildered Irishman, 93. 

Beyond Expression, 28. 

Biting Sarcasm, 71. 

Booming a Town, 90. 

Bragging Veterans, 64. 

Brevity (Mistaken), 16. 

Burglar’s Experience, 49. 

Butler (General) and the Spoons, 
59. 

Buying a Lawyer, 66. 

Charity, 18. 

Charity Begins at Home, If. 
Compliment to a Lady, 54. 

Council of Trent, 56. 

Courageous Girl, 43. 

Cute Boy, 45. 

Cutting Short a Prayer, 51. 

Dilemma, 42. 

Disgusted Officer, 73. 

Doctors and Deadheads, 89. 

Double Education, 38. 


Exchanging Minds, 65. 
Explanation, 2. 

Excused Because Dead, 101. 
Extent of Science, 97. 

Extreme Economy, 25. 

Family Affairs, 48. 

Fast Day Toast, 56. 

Fishing for a Compliment, 27. 
Franklin’s (Benjamin) Oysters, 47. 

Good Sale, 81. 

Good Word for the Devil, 79. 

Good Word for Every One, 18. 
Goose Chase, 7. 

Happy Retort, 9. 

He was “ ’Piscopal,” 100. 

Hitting a Lawyer, 50. 

Hobson’s Choice, 4. 

How a Woman Proposed, 36. 

Incorrigible Neighbor, 72. 
Independence of a Monopoly, 1. 
Indirect and Direct Meaning, 40. 
Ingenious Reason, 19. 
Insignificant Things, 12,13. 

Irate Prisoner, 74. 

Johnny Peep, 14. 


173 



174 


INDEX OF ANECDOTES 


Johnny’s Excuse, 101. 

Joke upon a Dude, 34. 

Joke upon Horace Greeley, 88. 

Lucky Answer, 37. 

Making an Excuse, or Johnny 
Peep, 14. 

Making Most of One’s Capital, 60. 
Marrying a Widow, 80. 

Mastery of One’s Affairs, 1. 
Meeting Half-way, 61. 

Mistaken Brevity, 16. 

Monopoly, 1. 

Moral Suasion, 44. 

Neutralizing Poison, 68. 
Newspaper Reporter, 35. 

No Happiness in Wealth, 22. 

Not Fooled Twice, 70. 

Obeying Orders, 94. 

Paying for Your Whistle, 6. 
Perplexed, 46. 

Perplexed Sage, 8. 

Preferred to Walk, 87. 

Presence of Mind, 33. 

Quick Thought, 9,10,11, 94. 

Ready Answer, 9,10,11,94. 
Reasoning in a Circle, 24. 
Remnants, 39. 

Riding a Hobby, 3. 

Room for Research, 99. 

Ruling Passion, 76. 


8age Perplexed, 8. 

Sambo and the Lawyer, 85. 
Satisfied with His Situation, 78. 
Sensible to the Last, 26. 

Short but Pointed, 23. 

Sixty-Cent Nap, 86. 

Sleeping on Top, 84. 

Slight Mistake, 32. 

Speech from the Rear Platform, 95 
Stern Logic, 15. 

Sun Standing Still, 57. 

Taken at His Word, G8. 

Tit for Tat, 83. 

Toast of the Evening, 29. 

Too Kind, 69. 

Too Premature, 92. 

Too Slim, 55. 

Triumphs of Medicine, 82. 
Truthful Prisoner, 75. 

Unfortunate Mistake, 62. 
Unmarried Man's Wife, 41. 
Unremitting Kindness, 62. 

Useless Regret, 21. 

Ventriloquism, 31. 

Way Out of a Difficulty, 96. 

What’s in a Name ? 98. 

When to be Silent, 5. 

Widow Outwitted, 68. 

Woman’s Way of Popping thr 
Question, 36. 

Would Not Save It, 67. 


* 


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and verse not generally found m similar collections. One 
important feature of the book is found in the characteristic 
ones from well known authors, in which the f amiliar saying? 
!8P audited to their original sources 






fePSIAPfiS Even death has its hrmiofGiLS aide. 

By Frederic W, Ung&v There are said to be “ sermons m 

’ Hones,” but when they are tombstones 
there is many j smile mixed with the moral. €J Usually 
churchyard humor is all the more delightful because it is 
unconscious, but there are times when it is intentional and 
none the less amusing. *51 Of epitaphs, old and new, this 
book contains the best It is full of quaint bits of obkuary 
fancy, with a touch of the gruesome hoe and these for a 
relish. 

PROVERBS The genius, wit, and spirit of & nation 
By John H. Bechtel are discovered in its proverbs, and the 

condensed wisdom of all ages and all 
nations is embodied in diem. A good proverb that fits 
die case is often a convincing argument. This volume 
contains a representative colledtion of proverbs, old and new, 
and the indexes, topical and alphabetical, enable one to find 

readily >uH what he reqtares. 

> 

t 

THINGS WORTH Can you name the eoUeS place ip 
KNOWING the United States or tell what year 
Sy John H. Bechtel bad 445 days? Do you know¬ 
how soon the coal fields of the 
World are Kkely to be exhausted, or how the speed of a 
moving train may be told ? What should you do firH d 
you got a cinder in your eye, or your neighbor’s baby swal¬ 
lowed a pin ? This unique, up-to-date book answers ^hogg? 
of juH such interesting and useful queHjosst. 


tM DICTIONARY OS* iWoSlof us dislike to look up a 
MYTHOLOGY mythologies* subject because 

$F) John tt. Bechtel of &e time required, This 

book remedies that difficulty 
because in it can be found at a glance juSt what is wanted. 
IJ It is comprehensive, convenient, condensed, and the infor¬ 
mation is presented in such an interesting manner that when 
once read it will always be remembered. £jj A distinctive 
feature of the book is the pronunciation of the proper names* j 
something found in few other works. 


■ i 

SLIPS OF SPEECH Who does not make them>< 

By John H. Bechtel The beSt of us do. Why not' 

avoid them ? Any one inspired 
with the spirit of self-improvemcixt may readily do so. No 
necessity iot Studying rules of grammar or rhetoric when this 
book maj be had. It teaches both without the Study of 
dither. It is a counsellor, a critic, a companion, and & 
guide, and is written in a most entertaining and chatty style 


HANDBOOK OF What is more disagreeable 
PRONUNCIATION than a faulty pronunciation T 
By John H. Bechtel No other deled so clearly 

shows a lack of culture. This 
book contains over 5,000 words on which moSt of us are 
apt to trip. <1 They are here pronounced in the clearest and 
simplest manner, and according to the beSt 'authority €$ £i 
Is more readilv consulted than a didkmagy* and h £u& §9 


PRACTICAL A new word is a new tool. TO® 
SYNONYMS book will not only enlarge your vocabu- 
Sy John H. Bechtef W but will show you how to express 
C (_ the exa<ft shade of meaning you have 

in mind, and will cultivate a more precise habit of thought 
and speech. It will be found invaluable to busy journalists, 
merchants, lawyers, or clergymen, and as an aid to teachers 
•Y> less than to the boys and girls under their care. 

) 

READY MADE SPEECHES Pretty much everybody 

By George Hapgood, Esq. in these latter days, is 

r now and again called 

upon “to say a few words in public.” €J Unfortunately, 
however, but few of us are gifted with the power of ready 
and graceful speech. €| This is a book of carefully planned 
model speeches to aid those who* without some slight help, 
muSt remain silent. There is a preliminary chapter of gen*> 
sral advice to speakers. 


AFTER-DINNER The dinnc:* itself may be ever so ( 
STORIES good, and yet prove a failure if there 

By John * -.risen “ ™ rth ‘° , enlive ’ 1 company. 

Nothing adds so much zest to ar* 

occasion of this kind as a good &ory well told. Here are 
hundreds of the latent, be&, brightest, and moft eatchy stories* 
all of them short and pithy, and so easy to remember that; 
anyone can tell them successfully, There are also % 
mmber of sele&ed toasts suitable to ail ^casions 


v 


?0A MS Most men dread being called upon tcs 

,By William Pifctengcr respond to a toast or to make an ad- 
> dress, 9 What would you not give tor 

the ability to be rid of this embarrassment ? No need to 
give much when you can learn the art from this little book 
*9 It will tell you how to do it; not only that, but by ex¬ 
ample it will show the way. 9 It is valuable not alone to 
the novice, but to the experienced speaker, who wili gather 
from it many suggestions. 

THE DEBATER’S There is no greater ability than 
) TREASURY the power of skillful and forcible 

By William Pittengcr debate, and no accomphsnment 

more readily acquired if the person 
is properly directed. 9 In this little volume are directions for 
organizing and conducting debating societies and practical 
suggestions for all who desire to discuss questions in public. 
9 There is also a lift of over 200 queftious for debate, with 
arguments both affirmative and negative. 

PUNCTUATION Few persons can punctuate properly; 
By Paul Atlardyce to avoid miftakes many do not punCtu- 

ate at all. 9 A perusal of this book 
wili remove all difficulties and make all points clear. 9 The 
rules are plainly ftated and freely illuftrated, dius furnishing 
a moft useful volume. 9 The author is everywhere r^cog- 
ailed as the leading authority upon the subject, and what 
lie has to say is practical,, cor cise, and comprehensive 


ORAI0RY few men ever enjoyed a wider ejt> 

% Henry Ward Needier pehence or achieved a higher repu- 

tation in public speaking than Ms, 
Beecher. ^ What he had to say on this subject was bom 
of experience, and his own inimitable style was at once both 
statement and illustration of h> theme, This volume is a 
unique and masterly treatise on the fundamental principle? 
me oratory. 

•/ 

CONVERSATION Some people are accused of talkin' 
By J. P. Mahaffy too much. But no one is eve. 

taken to task for talking too well. 
^ Of all the accomplishments of modern society, that of 
being an agreeable conversationalist holds fir£t place. 
Nothing is more delightful or valuable. ®f To suggest what 
to say, jud bow and when to say it, is the general aim of 
this work, and it succeeds moit admirably in its purpose. 

READING The ability to read aloud well, 

AS A FINE ART whether at the fireside or on the 

By Emsst Legouve public platform, is a fine art. 

The directions and suggestions 
contacted in this work of Standard authority will go far 
toward the attainment of this charming accomplishment. 
Iff The work is especially recommended to teachers and 
others interested in the instruction of public school pupils. 


SOCIALISM Socialism is *' in the air.** €[ References' 
By Charles H. Oh^ to the subjedt are constantly appearing 

iz newspapers, magazines, and othei 
publications. $J But few persons except the socialists them¬ 
selves have more than a dim comprehension of what it really 
means. ffj This book gives in a clear and interesting manner 
a complete idea of the economic dodtrines taught by the beSt ■ 
socialists. 

JOURNALISM What is news, Low is it obtained, how 
By Charles H. 0!in handled, and how can one become a 

Journalist? These questions are all 
answered in this book, and detailed inStrudtions are given for 
obtaining a position and writing up all kinds of “ assign¬ 
ments.” It shows what to avoid and what to cultivate, 
and contains chapters on book reviewing, dramatic criticism 
and proofreading. 

VENTRILOQUISM Although alwayp a delightful form 

By Charles H. Olin of entertainment, Ventriloquism is 

to moSt of us more or less of a 
myStery It need be so no longer. CJ This book exposes 
the secrets of the art completely, and shows how almost 
anyone may learn to “ throw the voice ” both near c .d far. 
^ Diredtions for the conStrudtion of automatons are given! 
as well as good dialogue for their successful operation 
n Fully illustrated. 


CONUNDRUMS' Conundrums sharpen our wits an6 
3y Dean River' lead us to think quickly. €J They are 

also a source of infinite amusement 
and pleasure, whiling away tedious hours and putting every 
one in good humor. tj[ This book contains an excellent cob 
ledtion of over a thousand of the latent, brightest, and mod 
j up-to-date conundrums, to which are added many Biblical 
poetical, and French conundrums. 

MAGIC There is no more delightful form of enter- 

By EUis Sianyon tainment than that afforded by the per¬ 

formances of a magician. Mysterious as 
these performances appear, they may be very readily learned 
if carefully explained. €J This book embraces full and 
detailed descriptions of all the well known tricks with coinst 
handkerchiefs, hats, flowers, and cards, together with a 
number of novelties not previously produced or explained 
€| Fully illustrated. 

HYPNOTISM There is no more popular of 

By Edward H. Eldridge, A. M interesting form of entertain¬ 
ment than hypnotic exhibitions, 
and everyone would like to know how to hypnotize, By 
following the simple and concise instructions contained in this 
Complete manual anyone may, with a little pradice, readily 
team, how to exercise this unique and Grange power-, 


/ 


WHIST “According to Cavendish'" is now 

By Cavendish almost as familiar an expression as 

Twenty-third Edition “according to Hoyle.” No whist 

player, whether a novice or an expert, 
can afford to be without the aid and support of Cavendish. 
No household in which the game is played is complete 
without a copy of this book. This edition contains all of 
the matter found in the English publication and at one-fourth 
the co§t, 

PARLOR GAMES “ What shall we do to amuse our- 

By Helen E. Hollister selves and our friends ?” is a ques¬ 
tion frequently propounded on rainy 
days and long winter evenings. ®[ This volume mo£ happily 
answers this question, as it contains a splendid collection of 
all kinds of games for amusement, entertainment, and instruc¬ 
tion. €| The games are adapted :o both old and young, and 
all classes will find them both profitable and interesting. 


ASTRONOMY: Can you tell what causes 

The Sun and His Family day and night, season? 
By Julia MacNair Wright and years, tides and 

eclipses? Why is the 
sky blue and Mars red ? What are meteors and shooting 
£ars ? These and a thousand other questions are answered 
in a mo& fascinating way in this highly interesting volume. 
Few books contain as much valuable material so pleasstJrcfe 
packed in so small a space, €| Illustrated 


BOTANY % The scientific study Ot 

The Story of Pla**£ Life Botany made as interest- 
By Julia MacNair Wright in € as a fairy tale. § It is 

better reading than such 
£ale$, because of the profit, $J Each chapter is devoted to 
the month of the year in which plants of that month are iir 
evidence. Not only is the subjedt treated with accuracy, 

, but there is given much practical information as to the care 
* and treatment of plants ami flowers. £j] Illustrated. 

ELOWERS s Every woman loves flowers, 

How to Grow Them hut few succeed in growing 
By Eben E. Rcxford them. "W ith the help so 

clearly given in this book no 
one need fail, It treats mainly of indoor flowers and plants 
"—those for window gardening; all about their selection, care, 
soil, air, light, warmth, etc. €[ The chapter on table decora¬ 
tion alone is worth the price of the book. €J While the sub¬ 
ject of flowers is quite thoroughly covered, the Style used is 
plain, simple, and free from all technicalities. 

Idancing A complete inStmdtor, beginning with 

By Marguerite Wilson the firSt positions and Steps and leading 

up to the square and round dances. 
^ It contains a full list of calls for all of the square dances, 
and the appropriate music for each figure, the etiquette of 
the dances, and 1 00 figures for the german. It is unusu-' 
ally well illustrated by a large number of original drawings. 
€j Without dorbt the beSt book on the suhjedt* 


ASTROLOGY If you wish to obtain a horoscope of 
By M. M. Maegregor your entire life, or if you would like *o 

know in what business or profession you 
will be£t succeed, what friends you should make, whom you 
should marry, tne kind of a person to choose for a business 
partner, or the time of the month in which to begin an 
enterprise,, you will find these and hundreds of other vital 
questions solved in this book by the science of Astrology. 

PHYSIOGNOMY Kow can we judge whether a man 
By Leila Lomax may be trusted to handle money for 

us? €} How can a woman analyze 
a man who would marry her ? €| Partly by words, partly 
by voice, partly by reputation, but more than all by looks—- 
the shape of the head, the set of the jaw, the line of the 
niouth, the glance of the eye. Physiognomy as explained 
in this book shows clearly how to read character with every 
point explained by illustrations and photographs. 

GRAPHOLOGY : Do you know that every 

How to Read Character time you write five or 
from Handwriting six 111163 y° u furnlsl1 a 

By Clifford Howard complete record of your 

character? Anyone who 
understands Graphology can tell by simply examining your 
handwriting juSt what sort of a person you are. $J There is 
no method of character reading that is more interesting, more 
trustworthy, and more valuable than that of Graphology, 
2 ind it is the aim of this volume to enable anyone to become 
u maStr of this most fascinating art 


CURIOUS FACTS Why do you raise your hat to a 

By Clifford Howard lady ? and why are you always 

careful to offer the right hand and 
not the left ? CJ Is there a good reason for the buttons or 
the sleeve of your coat? 3J How did your family name 
originate ? C[ Is it true that it takes nine tailors to make a 
man, and if so, why, forsooth ? $jj These and scores of 
equally interesting questions find answers here. Open it at 
any page and you will see something you ’save wanted to 
know all your life. 


PRACTICAL PALMISTRY The hand shows the man, 

By Henry Frith but many who believe in 

palmistry have found no 
ready access to its principles, This little guide to it is com¬ 
plete, trustworthy, and yet simple in arrangement, With 
this book and a little pra<5tice anyone may read character 
surely, recall paSt events, and forecast the future. €J Fully 
illustrated. 


CIVICS j 

What Every Citizen 
Should Know 

By George Lewis 


This book answers a multitude 
of questions of interest to every¬ 
one. €J It gives intelligent, con 
cise, and complete information 
on such topics as the Monroe 
Dodrine, Behring Sea Controversy, Extradition Treaties, 
Basis of Taxation, and fully explains the meaning of Habeas 
Corpus, Free Coinage, Civil Service, Australian Ballot, and 
$ great number of other equally interesting subjeds. 


THE FAMILY FOOD Most of us eat too much* 

By T. C O-Doimell H A! * us pay more than we 

need for our food. ^ A 
practical, thorough book on the way to get the most 
efficient food for little money. It discusses every 
familiar article of diet, tells its cost, its food value, and 
its effects on the body, and gives menus showing how to 
economize and keep well, It is written ir a simple 
plain style for plain people, by a recognized authority. 

THE FAMILY HEALTH 'This book tells how to keep 

Bv Mycr Sofc-Cohen, M.D. well and how to build >ip 

./ , the natural forces that 

combat disease. § It gl^Cs definite information that can 
be put into practice. It treats problems of ventilation, 
heating, lighting, drainage, disposal of refuse, destruction 
of insects, and cleansing. Under personal hygiene it 
discusses bathing, clothing, food, drink, work, exercise, 
rest and the care of the eyes, ears, throat, teeth, nails, hair 
and figure. *1A chapter is devoted to the mind, and the 
prevention of nervousness and insanity. Directions 
are given for nursing at home. CjJ This book tells the 
family just “what to do before the doctor arrives.” 

THE FAMILY HOUSE A helpful book that tells 

8y C. F. Osborne, Architect what, to look for in the 

location of a house, price 
or amount of rent, exposure, plumbing, fixtures, light* 
ing, ventilation, water, how to tell whether a house is 
well built, dry and warm, what is the best plan and 
how to get comfort and artistic effects in furnishing 
^ Whether one is renting, buying or build this book 
will save annoyance, time and money. 


CANDY-MAKSNG Two hundred ways to make 

AT HOME candy with the home flavor arid 

By Mary M. Wright the professional finish. <jj Clear 

and detailed recipes are given 

for fondant, fruit and nut candies, cream candies, fudges 
and caramels, bonbons, macaroons and little cakes. 
SI Every housekeeper can now greatly lessen the cost of 
entertainments by preparing at home the confectionery 
to be used and can also keep her table well supplied 
with delicious bonbons and candies 

THE CARE OF THE One of the few books that 

CHILD deal with this old and ever 

By Mrs. Burton Chaitse new problem in all its aspects 

—mental, moral and physical. 
The author, a mother and the wife of a physician* 
has anticipated nearly every nursery difficulty. She 
gives all that one ordinarily needs about diet, clothing, 
bathing and sleep, summarizing the practice of leading 
specialists. 3J There are helpful practical discussions on 
obedience, imagination, personality, trathtelling, play 
and education. 

HOME DECORATION A beautiful home means 

8y Dorothy T. Priestman °nly knowing what to buy 

when you do buy. *|f This 

is a book that tells what is really in simple good taste, 
why, and how to get it. It deals fully and practi¬ 
cally with the treatment of walls, furniture, floor cover¬ 
ing, hangings, ornaments and pictures. ^ It gives color 
schemes, tells how to arrange a door or a window; how 
to make the most of small space; how to do stenciling; 
how to make rugs, etc 


FIRST AID Lives can be saved and much 

TO THE INJURED suffering prevented by the 

By F. J. Warwick Study of this work. What 

to do in all kinds of accidents, 
as well as in the tirSt Stages of illness, with a brief and simple 
Statement of the human anatomy, constitute the chief features 
of the book. It is written in a plain and simple way, easily 
understood, and its value is further increased by its copious 
illustrations. 

NURSING Every household has its serious illnesses. 

By S. Virginia Levis but few families can afford a profes¬ 
sional nurse. €J This book is the next 
beSt thing, better in some respeds, as anyone can easily 
follow its inStrudions, and when once learned they are 
always available. The fullest particulars are given for the 
care of the sick in all the simple as well as the serious ail¬ 
ments of life. 

ELECTRICITY An interesting and thoroughly reliable 
By George L. Fowler presentation of the subjed for the ama¬ 
teur or skilled eledrician. Cj[ If you wish 
to install an eledric door-bell, conStrud a telephone, wire a 
house, or understand the workings of a dynamo, this volume 
will furnish the required information, A pradical book of 
inestimable value to everyone. 


BUSINESS LETTERS Business letters should be bush 

By Calvin 0. Althouse n . ess 8 e “ ers - *1 An ex P ert h , ere 

shows by numerous complete 

examples from real business how to write business letters 
effectively. €jf There are letters of information, applica¬ 
tion, introduction, recommendation, letters to order goods, 
sell goods, collection letters, and indeed every letter a busi¬ 
ness man needs. €} The book includes also a full list of 
business forms. 

SHAKESPEAREAN On every human experience 

QUOTATIONS a , nd , e , mot , io " * e ,. gr “ t . p°!> 

shed the light ot his genius, tjj 
™. S. Rex Here are more than one thou¬ 

sand subjects, arranged alpha¬ 
betically, and under each is given from one to twenty apt 
quotations. 4J It is Shakespeare condensed, in a form for 
practical and universal use. 


PHRENOLOGY Tells how to examine the head and 

r> r . H AI . learn how its shape influences char- 

By Chas. H. Ota ^ q ^ g ^ ^ ^ ^ 

fascinating science you can analyze your friends’ characters, 
provide unlimited amusement, give useful advice, and find a 
way to success for yourself and others. C[ Fully illustrated. 


CHICKENS Illustrated. ^ A book that tells all 
ft » t about Chickens, how to obtain success 

with artificial and natural incubation, 
how to combat disease and vermin, how to feed and other¬ 
wise care for the growing brood. It is thoroughly modern 
and scientific and at the same time unusually readable. 


BIBLICAL QUOTATIONS The Bible is a store- 

By John H. Bechtel ho “ 5e . ? f , hur ? a . n v y isd ? m - 

and this book 13 the key 

to it. Thousands of quotations are here arranged alpha¬ 
betically by subjects, providing instantly an apt illustration 
for any phase of experience. ^JThe book makes the 
Bible useful in business, literature, education, politics, club 
life, social affairs, and many other fields apart from religion. 
Fully indexed. 


THE HORSE A compact but complete encyclopaedia 
r*., r T ... of horse knowledge. <J It tells how to 

choose a horse and tell his age, how to 
raise horses, feed, stable, and care for them, train them to 
saddle and harness, and cure their ailments. ^ It is 
based on the latest researches of veterinary science and 
is fully illustrated. $J A book that will save its coat a 
hundred times over to any horse owner. 


HOME GAMF r A collection of the newest 

By George Mapgood, ^q. a ? d he f 'Y a * s of aml,sin 9 P L eo 

pie who have come together 

for a good time. $J Games with cards, pencil and paper, 
charades, action games, games of thought and memory, and 
many new ideas for “forfeits’' are among the novel sugges¬ 
tions in the book, 1 he entertainments are adapted for 
both older and younger people, and every game is clearly 
explained. A convenient index helps in finding the game 
needed for any occasion. 













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